new to group! I need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
new to group! I need help!
7
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 11:56am
I am a married mother of two small children. I have been married for 5 years, most of it unhappily. But this i didn't realize until i met MM! i worked with this man for three years, and over the course of those years, we came to notice that we had a lot in common. we came from similar backgrounds and had similar relationships with our spouses. We became very close friends, hanging out, with no other intentions. Things were getting bad in both of our homes, and we shared that info with eachother, and began talking outside of work, emailing and calling. One night we were left at work alone late, and began joking around, one thing led to another, and there we were. We began a relationship, and i had lost my mom around the same time, which brought us closer. He continued to see eachother, not thinking about the future, just enjoying eachother. We both had issues in our marriages, and there were alot of things lacking in our relationships at home, that we got from eachother. I felt things with this man i have never felt in my life, and the love and support i get from him has helped me in the dark times in my life. We decided that in order to know if we should be together, we need to go back to our respective homes and make sure we do everything we can to make sure that we did everything to make it work before we walk away. I know that i do not love my H anymore, and haven't for a long time. i tried to talk to him about it, and nothing. he didn't care. MM's W is a bipolar alcoholic, and he feels it is his duty to save her. while I know he loves me, i wonder if his codependancys are getting in the way of his true happiness. He says he isn't happy, and i brought more happiness to him than he has ever known, but why stay? i want to leave. but i am scared at times of my H. MM feels that he needs to try and make things work. I feel like i am in a LIfetime movie girls! I know it sounds like the typical man, have his cake and eat it too, but this man is just not the typical guy. i feel like he is afraid his W will kill herself if he leaves, and she may. but there comes a point where you have to do what makes happy, not what makes others happy. so i am fine with him finding out if his marriage will work. he is the type of man who cannot walk away from soemthign without knowing he did all he could to fix it or make it work. but i am having a hard time knowing he still loves me, and still thinks about me everyday and wishes we were together. i see him at the gym ,and i can see him scan the place for me, we talk everyweek or email , and we still have dinner every few weeks. i am confused. i love this man with all of my heart, and i know he loves me, which makes me sound naive, but i have to figure out what to do! Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 12:18pm
Hi nobaymom

In the first part of your post you stated, "We decided that in order to know if we should be together, we need to go back to our respective homes and make sure we do everything we can to make sure that we did everything to make it work before we walk away." But a few lines later you say, "i want to leave." There lies your problem in a nutshell. It sounds like MM wants to try to work on his marriage and you are pretty much finished with yours -- you have agreed to something with MM that in truth you are not willing to do.

Figure out what YOU want -- regardless of MM. If you want to leave your husband, you should do it whether or not you have MM waiting in the wings. Try to be strong, really think about it, and do what's best for you, and only YOU!!

Good Luck

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 12:31pm
I know you are right! I am ready to leave. In the begining, we decided together that that is what we would do. I know now, 6 months later that i am done with the marriage. MM had some trauma in his life that threw him back into his "comfort zone" He said until he could get his life back on track, he needed to go back to what was normal for him. i don't think it is actively working on things at home. He is just exsisting with her. i know he loves me, and longs to be with me, well, he is man, i guess, but not the typical man. i don't think he used me for his own reasons, i think he truely did find love, and we both married our spouses for the wrong reasons. for once we both found true love and happiness. I sound like a naive teenager , i know, but i know this man better than anyone i have ever known. How do i get him to see that he needs to do what makes him happy, and not what makes Her happy? he has codepency issues that stem from childhood and carry on into adulthood, and he always does what makes others happy. I try to be supportive and help him through her hospitalizations, he drinking binges, her emotional rollarcoasters, and he helps me through mine, but when does it end? when does he realize where he belongs, not neccasaryily with me, but away from her? i want him to be happy. even if it isn't with me. we are the best of friends, but that passionate past sometimes makes us think of what could be. how do i help him help himself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 1:09pm
"Comfort zone" or not you don't seem too supporting of a man who obviuosly deals with a lot of hell at home. I don't want to be mean or anything but I think you could be a little more compassionate to your MM's situation. You cannot expect him to leave becuase you are ready to leave your marraige behind. We all leave for ourselves sooner or later but it will happen only when we are ready for the change. One never move too slow on these life altering situations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 9:06am
you are not being mean. i have been supportive. idon't want him to leave and have regrets, but he also says, if this happens one more time, or if she does this, i am leaving. then he doesn't. i think he is enabling her. i know she is sick. but the actions she takes are sometimes deliberate. and just because someone is has mental health issues or alcohol issues, doesn't give them the excuse to be abusive themselves, or be manipulative. he has endured enough hell and pain and suffering with her, that should make him walk away, but he doesn't. he stays, but he stays for her. all i amsaying is that even if i am ready to go, i am going for me, not him. he needs to do the same. leave and do things to make himself happy, not me, her or anyone else. how long to you stay and endure the pain and suffering? how long to do put up with that? it isn't about me, and being with me. i love this man, and no matter what, his happiness is what i care about the most. if it is staying with her, than so be it. but i know he isn't happy. and he says he is not in love with her anymore. so what do you do? sit back and watch him be so sad himself? be supportive and loving friend and hope for the best?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 9:58am
You're big on the pop psychology stuff, which is great, but I'm not 100% sure that everything can be boiled down to "codependency." When someone takes a vow to stay with someone through sickness and in health, for better for worse, etc., THIS is what they are vowing to stay together through. Now I'm the first to believe that people sometimes marry for the wrong reasons and sometimes marriages just don't work. In that case, yes, they should leave, but they shouldn't leave because they've fallen in love with someone else. They should leave because the marriage is not working. If you both leave your Ms and get married, the statistics are WAY against you and you know it. If you leave your M, establish a life on your own and THEN decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, your chances of a marriage working out are much better. MM has to do the same thing and he has to do it in his own time, in his own way. What you do is decide for yourself, once and for all, if you want to be in your marriage or you want to be on your own, then DO IT. I know it's easier said than done but maybe a trial separation would help. Do you have a friend or family member you could stay with? Are you SURE your M isn't working? Sometimes we convince ourselves things aren't working to justify our behavior. Any M has its flaws and when you're falling in love with someone else, often you'll magnify those flaws until you're sure the M just isn't going to work. That's why marriage counselors force you to go NC with OM/OW before they'll work with you. You can't truly work on the marriage when there's a third party standing right there. I know because I was there a few months ago. I'd convinced myself my M was so flawed it was irreparable. Then when I started seeing MM for what he really was and focusing on my M, I realized how much I'd fooled myself. It's interesting what the mind does...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 10:52am
I agree with all you have said about enabling her and putting up with her. He is not in love with her either but he still stays. But the point is he is still not mentally ready for it. He probably realizes what you have been saying in your post himself but he cannot mentally bring himself to do it. I know that feeling very well. When he is ready nobody can stop him not even you. ;0)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 3:04pm
about 4 months ago, i would have said i would leave H for MM any second, but i have been working on the M for the last 4 years, and i thought that that was the way M was suppossed to be. i got married for the wrong reasons in the first place, got pregnant, and was not sure i really loved him. but married b/c it was the right thing to do. so i worked on it, and tried very hard to make things work. i was not looking for a relationship, i was trying to make things work at home. MM was one of my best friends, and he also married for the wrong reasons, even tried to get out of it 2 weeks before. yes, you marry for better or for worse, and him leaving would not be b/c she is ill. that is the whoel reason why we went back to make sure things were over in our M. but, we may be at different points in our M, i am ready to run , he isn't and that is fine. I know now that i am leaving for me. no one else, and even if he stay s with her, that is not my problem. i know i need to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, and that i need to do what is right for me. time will help me do that. i have a ways to go. i just wonder, my M is awful, so i need to go, but do i stay for my kids? isn't it selfish for me to leave even when things are awful?