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| Tue, 04-27-2004 - 4:15pm |
I'll just get to my story real quick here and see what you all think. I have a fiance who I've been with for almost five years. We are supposed to get married this summer. Recently though, I've been spending a lot of my time with another man. I haven't done anything with him except flirting. I love my fiance and I don't know why I feel such a strong pull towards this other man. I've been friends with him for years by the way so it's not someone I just recently met or anything. In the past I fantasized about having an affair with other male friends but it's never gotten this "real." My mom thinks it's just because he's a "new" guy who's giving me extra attention that I feel like I'm not getting from my fiance. He is completely single by the way. A part of me would like to just stop time so I could date this other man and see how it goes and if it's just turns out to be an infatuation, I could start time again and go on with my fiance like nothing happened... obviously that's not possible. I know none of this is fair to my fiance and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, which is probably why nothing has happened with me and this other guy. I just don't know why I feel this way. I'm sure there's a problem with the relationship with my fiance, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be having these thoughts. I want to talk to him and find out what is going on with us but I don't want him to know about my feelings for the other guy. I used to be a jealous freak when it came to my fiance but in the last five months, he goes out with friends and I no longer feel the need to grill him about where he's been, blah blah blah. I just feel like a different person. I have no worries about him cheating on me anymore... and you'd think that would make our relationship stronger but apparently not. Is there anyone out there that can give me their opinions?? I'm really confused and frustrated here. Thanks so much for listening.
Seeking Solace,
Jane
Seeking Solace,
Jane

You're in a tough spot, obviously. Maybe you're having cold feet about getting married. Maybe you're just enjoying the new buzz of some male attention. Or maybe some very real issues with your fiance are manifesting in your life.
I *completely* relate to the "time stop" wish. Not long before I got married, I had the same feeling. There was a girl that was interested in me who I really wanted to date. Didn't want to hurt my girlfriend/soon to be fiance. I just liked how much attention she paid to me and how I felt like she was really interested in me while my girlfriend was more interested in other things. Our relationship was pretty strong, but I wasn't really getting what I wanted.
When the time came that I was having some problems with her, we cooled off and I dated the other girl for a few months, off and on. It was very nice, she was a lot of fun and we had lots in common. Finally after a few months of begging and being nice, I decided to take back my girlfriend (we'd been together five years, about like you.) We finally got engaged, and things were great.
But now I've been married five years, and things are not great. I didn't listen to my instinct, and my friends were afraid to tell me they thought I was making a mistake by going back with the girlfriend. Now I've met someone really wonderful who shares most of my interests and is a really good match for me. That's how I ended up in this affair, and also a part of what made me decide to end my marriage.
For your own piece of mind, have the conversation you need to have with your fiance. Leave our the other guy, but really dig deep and find what it is that you want to talk about. Consider doing some counseling on your own. Try to figure out what it is that you're needing. It might just be a long, serious talk about where your relationship is going after you get married. Marriage shouldn't be the end goal, which it was for me... and it was a big mistake. I've had five years of "now what?"
Maybe you've grown in a different direction from your fiance. Maybe you just aren't happy because he isn't really what you want. Again, maybe you just have cold feet and need a last fling. It's not his fault or yours.
But you should really consider taking immediate, serious steps to figure it out. For your own sanity, you should be absolutely sure you want to do this before you get married. Despite the high divorce rate, the divorce process is really difficult and ugly to get through, much more so if you care about the person at all.
Don't just accept your parents' advice or friends' advice or the advice of anyone on this message board. Figure it out yourself. Put yourself first. Make yourself happy, and whomever doesn't support you... well, that's their problem.
This is the time to do it, Jane. You're at a crossroads of your life... sort of a last convenient "off ramp" and from here on it gets much more complicated to get on and off life's highway.
Hi Jane,
I tend to agree with a lot of what raining had to say... I think maybe you are getting cold feet as the wedding approaches... but I also get a feel from you... that maybe all isn't right between you and your fiance... hence the cold feet.
I really do think it's time to get some genuine advice on where you need to go... maybe head off to a counsellor and see if you can get to the root of the problem.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
Those words totally rung a bell with me when many years ago I and H were in college and engaged. Your saying that you are not jealous with fiancé indicated two things to me:
First of all, it seems that he might have provided you a reason to be jealous thus hurting you and that hurt might now be manifesting itself in the shape of you developing feelings for another guy and you may not even be feeling guilty about it since your fiancé had hurt you once.
Secondly to me, not being jealous relates to not being in love. This might be a temporary feeling or it could be permanent.
I just feel that you need to postpone your marriage or call it off. I would say have a frank talk with your fiancé and do tell him that you are not feeling strongly about him or about the idea of you getting married. Tell him that you need to take out time and figure out what you want. If fiancé’s behavior (partying, etc) has hurt you in the past and did have potential effect on your current situation, do tell him that. If I were you, I would have mentioned that I had feelings for another person but its up to disclose that or not.
Just remember that many times there are pre cursors to post-marriage behavior that people ignore hoping that everything will be fine after marriage. Sometimes that happens, sometimes it doesn't. You should not ignore this current situation without it being completely addressed and evaluated.
PG