New here... affair just starting
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| Fri, 03-06-2009 - 5:43pm |
Hello, I'm new here and just need to talk. My situation is so new that I don't know what I want to do about it, or what questions to ask. So I'm just gonna start writing, and feel free to chime in with your thoughts.
Background: DH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and have been together for 6. No kids yet. He's a good man and there are many reasons I married him. But we have our problems. We can't ever seem to disagree without fighting. And, I will be asking questions in the Marriage without Romance forum as well, because there isn't any romance in ours. The thing is, it's not like the spark went away over time... there never WAS that chemistry, that spark. There are other reasons that I love him, however, I've been unhappy in our marriage almost since day 1.
A couple weeks ago, I was at a convention related to my business. Did a lot of networking, making friends with fellow professionals. Certainly was NOT looking for romance, but it found me. I quickly developed a crush on a fellow convention attendee, and within a couple days the chemistry between us was palpable. We couldn't hide it if we wanted to. We ended up kissing, and it would have gone farther if I would have let it. I didn't.
He's married, has kids, lives on the other side of the country. He says he wasn't looking for this either, that he's never so much as looked at another woman since he's been married. Says meeting me made him realize what was missing in his marriage (also no romance). It's been about 2 weeks since we met. We've set up secret email addresses and chat online every day. We talk on the phone every other day or so. We talk about our situation, wonder where it's going, admit that in another lifetime we would be together. I won't delude myself by saying that because we didn't sleep together that this isn't wrong... I know it is. But I don't know what I want to do about it.
The group of people that I met at the convention all became friends and we've been keeping in touch. We're planning on all convening somewhere together in 6 months, halfway between this last convention and the next one. AP says that if our feelings are still there by then, and if he can't work things out with his wife, he'll be ready to leave. I think he thinks he means it, but I don't put any stock in that.
DH and I are looking for a counselor. I don't know how we're going to afford it. He doesn't know about the AP, but I've explained to him that I am not happy and we need a change. I'd like to see a counselor privately, to talk about these things, and also jointly to talk about our marriage. I've told myself that I won't leave my DH to be with the AP; I would only leave if I tried my best and things haven't improved. I know in my head that's the right thing to do, but my resolve leaves me when I'm talking to AP.
So, like I said, I don't have any questions yet, just wanted to open up some dialog. I'd love some outside perspective.

Dear Beneaththesurface,
Although I can't totally speak to your situation as I'm single and seeing a MM, I will say that my guy said exactly the same thing to me...the part about meeting me/being with me has made him realize what was missing.
I'm calling around and looking for MFTs today... wish me luck! I have no idea how to find the "right" counselor. How do I know if say, the counseling isn't going anywhere, or instead if it just means my counselor's approach isn't right for me?
I'd like to see the same counselor jointly with my husband and also on my own so I can talk about some of these issues. Any thoughts on this approach?
I have to admit, I don't have a lot of hope that counseling will work. It's been my experience with men that they try to change for a short time, but things always go back to how they were. I know this is a defeatist attitude! I'd love to hear from people for whom counseling really did work!
In the meantime, I find my thoughts getting dangerous. I mentioned in my first post that this is more of an emotional affair... AP and I have not had sex nor will we anytime soon since he is far away. But we talk about seeing each other in August, and I find myself wanting to take things further -- I know this is bad! He's thinking along the same lines as well... he's even asked me how I feel about the fact that he already has kids and whether I would want to have kids should we get married in the future. And I let my thoughts wander into divorce territory -- what would it be like, what would my family and my H's family think about me, whether my H (an attorney) would be civil or put me through the ringer in court, even mentally dividing up our belongings. I know this is dangerous territory because the more I think about something like that, the more I am mentally preparing myself for it and moving in that direction.
I'm sure it sounds like I've emotionally checked out of my marriage if I am thinking all these things. But I do care about my husband, I would not ever want to hurt him (yes, I know that's what I'm doing), and I know he loves me. Is that enough to make up for all that's lacking in our marriage?
I know this is all crazy. AP and I have only known each other for a few weeks now. But I can't escape these feelings. I wonder if you can hear how confused I am... knowing what the "right" thing to do is, and wanting to do something entirely different! Someone talk some sense into me please!
counseling, counseling, counseling...i can't say it enough times...for you and your husband together to begin with.....you will know whether you have the right therapist...it is like any other relationship...if you "click" it will be obvious at your first session.....i would suggest a woman.....only because in my experience women are more sensitive to my needs......
counseling worked wonders for me and my hubby who had problems but loved each other....we were not communicating our needs to each other and that is where a marriage goes wrong.....communication is the KEY, that means sharing your truth AND listening to your spouses needs and mirroring back to each other until you know you are understanding each other. my h had an affair not too long ago and it just about killed me, we've been married for decades and this was his only affair. it was just for sex and he said it even made him appreciate me more, long before i found out. all i am really trying to say is that i didn't even know what wanted in my marriage anymore, there was lots of financial stress for years and it kind of wore at both os us and took the magic out of our feeling for each other, our bickering was steady, our sexlife was active but dulled. because we didn't know how to really communicate (although we talked all the time, were best friends)we didn't know the nature of our true relationship. marriage counseling worked more than i ever thought possible especially for him, his first therapy, he
I had to just reply to your post since I could have very well penned it an year ago. I know the feelings you going through and the confusions. 1 Year later, I am again and again asking the same questions and breaking my head over unsolvable issues
If you want to truely work on this marriage, you have to establish no contact with this man for life.
I don't know that a marriage counselor will also see you individually... at least