New here and confused
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| Wed, 12-24-2003 - 11:49am |
I'm new here and just need some advice or input. Just a little background.... I've been married for 9 years and have one child. For the past 5-6 years, my marriages hasn't been the greatest. My husband is a great guy, but he is the most unromantic, non-spontaneous, person around. (You know the movie "Bridges of Madison County?" That's our life.) Our sex life has suffered miserably - it is basically non-exisistent- and we are more like roomates or best friends than husband & wife. We have had in-depth conversations about our situation, but nothing ever comes of it. I have suggested counseling for years, and while he agrees, we never end up going. He is a great father to our son, and really a good-hearted person, but I think we are just growing apart.
Anyway, for the past couple of years I've gotten myself more invloved in things on the Internet (such as ivillage, Ebay, and yes, chat rooms). I don't go into the chat rooms on a regular basis, but maybe like once or twice a month. I find myself searching the profiles for my "dream man" and start chatting with him. Most of these converstaions are only for the one night, and I never talk to them again. These conversations are NOT sexual, but I find comfort in talking to someone who interests me. Anyway, one night about a year ago, I started talking to someone who has become a very good friend. He is married, but very unhappily, and is such a nice guy. He is very genuine, and I really enjoy talking with him. I know about his whole family, his dreams & goals, his hobbies, etc. He even checks in with me every weekend to let me know where he's traveling to (he's a professional rodeo rider on the weekends, and holds a respectable executive-type job 9-5, M-F). He knows all about me, my life, and I have NEVER lied to this person. As a matter of fact, I find myself telling him things that I probably would never even tell my closest girlfriends (about my fears, my hopes, dreams, etc.). He is always understanding and supportive, and makes me feel wonderful about myself. I can honestly say this is someone I could see myself having a future with - if I wasn't married. He lives in another state, and the chances of us meeting face to face is just about nill. We have never discussed getting together, but we have discussed how unhappy we are with our spouses. I would do almost anything to just meet him once, and see where things go from there.
I guess I'm just confused about this whole thing. Is this considered an affair? Although I've never met this guy in person, I can't help but feel I'm kind of cheating on my husband. This guy makes me so happy, makes me laugh, and makes me feel good about being me. I think about this man all the time. I dream of the day we could be together. I'm not obsesed with this whole thing, but I truly think I could find happiness with this person. I don't know if he feels quite as strongly as I do, but I do know he cares deeply about me. As I said, I'm very confused, and need some advice. Thanks in advance for reading and responding.
~KKJ

When I read your post, I have to say there were some similarities to a situation that I am experiencing right now...so you may want to take what I have to say to heart. I have been married to my husband for a little over 2 years now, but we have been together for 7 years. Over the past months, we had been having some difficulties in our relationship. We had not been experiencing that "marital bliss" that you feel in the beginning stages of your relationship. My husband was not giving me the attention that I needed or craved anymore, and like you I met someone in a chat room. He and I developed a "relationship" and I felt like he cared about me and was giving me the attention that I wanted. My husband and I were growing further and further apart and things seemed very bleak. We were communicating though, and I told my husband I didn't think I loved him anymore...because he wasn't treating me the way I felt I needed to be treated. My husband was crushed...he really wanted to make our relationship work and was willing to do anything to make it work. I really wasn't letting him in though because I was wrapped up in my "online relationship"...
Well...then my husband found out about my online relationship, and was totally crushed by that as well. My husband and I have decided to work through my online infidelity and he is working on bettering himself. The sad thing is that all of this may have been able to have been avoided if we just opened up OUR communication channel earlier...my feelings wouldn't have progressed to the point where I had to let someone else into my life. I realize now that is the worst thing I could have done. Now instead of us just dealing with one issue, we have more issues to deal with. If I could give you some advice...please get some help. Either go to see a counselor or just TALK. Open the communication channel with your husband...a third party in the relationship is not the answer unless it's a counselor. This is me speaking from a "hind sight" perspective. I have been where you are...and done that. Nothing good will come of your online relationship. You may think he is very sweet and everything you wished for...but in reality...you are both "ideal" online. You may feel you can open up to this person, and it's so wonderful, but that is because it's not REAL. You really do not know him...you know what he wants to show you. You know the best aspects of his personality...the things he wants you to know or see.
You and your husband have a child together...you have been together for awhile. You have to remember why you married him in the first place. At one point in time you had love together...and trust me on this...you will not find the answer to your problems in starting another relationship. Not to mention that you are married and so is the guy you have been having the affair with. What makes you think that if things actually did work out with you and your online man that he wouldn't do the same thing behind your back five years down the road? I am not trying to be harsh, or rain on your parade. I just thought, when I read your post that I knew how you felt. But now I have had my eyes opened...it's not fun. You and your husband can work things out...unless he's physically abusive or something like that. You have to at least try and find love again with your husband. If you try, and then find out that it's gone, then you can divorce and THEN you can pursue a relationship with whoever. Just remember... "the grass is NOT always greener on the otherside". You may be feeling like you met your soulmate and this guy and you have so much in common etc. etc. but trust me every relationship reaches the "comfortable & boring" stage. You just have to learn how to light the fire of your relationship again.
My husband and I are trying to be very active in loving each other and communicating all our feelings and being extremely open with each other no matter how hard. If I can somehow stop you from having to go through the pain and hurt that I am going through, and that my husband is going through, I hope you will seriously think about what I have said. We recently read a book called "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. It's really a wonderful book and it can open your eyes to why you may be feeling "empty" in your marriage. One day my husband gave me a copy and he and I both read it...I think it will make a big difference in our marriage and breath new life into our relationship. There are so many ways to deal with relationship problems...TRUST ME...an affair is NOT the answer. Be proactive...at least give it a fair shot without outside influences (online partner).
Just my two cents...I hope I can help you avoid a potentially big mistake and save your marriage. Remember...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger :)
Good Luck.
-Alison
Well cowboys are damn sexy, but you know what the guarantee is...they will leave. It's just the way they are. I go to all the PBRs so I have probably seen your dream man. Why don't you check the PBR out in your area or a surrounding city and get some tickets, take your H and kids, have a great time. Yes you are having an affair. Can you just be chat buddies with this guy? I can't see it going anywhere else given his life and you don't live in the same city. Maybe you can offer each other some advice on how to help your marriages. I've been where you are. You are spending time away from your H chatting with this cowboy instead of spending time with your H communicating. He makes you feel so good about yourself and then you even feel worse about your H. You posted here. You already know what is right or wrong. It is so hard figuring it all out. Be kind to yourself knowing that we are all where you are too. We are here for you. C