New here, and need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
New here, and need help
4
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:13am
I am just so confused and need some help. I have only just found this site and hope some of you can give me some advice. Ok, here goes, I have been married 12 years and have 4 great kids. I don't work, partly because the kids are still young, and partly because my hubby doesn't want his wife working. Our marriage has been going through a rough patch for about the last year, but hubby doesn't seem to think we have a problem at all so it is really hard to get anything sorted. I have been friends with this guy for about 6 years now, via our kids being friends initially. For the last few weeks I have been going round his house once a week while hubby babysits (hubby has no problem with this - he's not keen on the friendship but trusts me completely). We get on really well and up until this week have just been friends. Last night I went round there, and he confessed he has feelings for me, but doesn't want to do anything to wreck my marriage as his own was wrecked due to his wife having an affair. Anyway, we had a real heart to heart, ended up kissing and things progressed from there. I went home afterwards to hubby who doesn't suspect a thing.

Thing is, I don't feel guilty at all - what happened felt right and natural, and I know it will happen again as I want it to and so does he. What does this say about the state of my marriage? I don't want my marriage to end - it would affect the kids so badly and they are everything to me. Also, I still love hubby, but have never felt with him how I did last night with this other guy. Also, I wonder what this other guy thinks of me as his own marriage ended in similar circumstances?

I know what I am doing is wrong, but is it wrong to want a little bit of happiness for myself? Or is this just selfish, and should I go back to being a wife who stays at home every night, cooking, cleaning and catering for my hubby's every whim? He would be happy then, so would the kids and it would only be my life that was wasted, instead of potentially destroying everyones lives if this should ever come out. I'm so confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:49am
Don't get me wrong, are you one of the "switch and bait" types?? I need to know before I do my Miss Abby thing.... lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:37am
Hi, Vamp... welcome to the board. First thing I'd like to ask is why it has to be either/or... You asked "is this just selfish, and should I go back to being a wife who stays at home every night, cooking, cleaning and catering for my hubby's every whim?" I guess I'm saying maybe you should fix this problem then worry about the other. There is no reason in the world why you should be a living sacrifice for your family. And do you really want to teach your children that that's the role a wife should take? Please don't take this as criticism. I'm just trying to help you see (perhaps) another angle to the issue. Maybe the reason you don't feel guilt is because you feel like you are entitled to some happiness too -- and guess what? You are! The question is, will an affair be the happiness you desire or is it filling some other void in your life. I'm not judging, because I've grabbed my happiness via an affair. But you seem pretty indecisive about it, so I just wondered if it was really what you want. I'm no expert, but my initial thought was that you should think about "why" rather than "whether" this is right for you. Whatever you decide, though, this is the place to get support and to talk about anything that bothers you. We're glad you found us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:23am
Thanks for your reply, and you are right, I really did need to think about why an affair is really the right thing for me. After a pretty sleepless night last night, and much soul searching I think I know why I am so uncertain. All my life I have done what others want, and what is considered the right thing - I left school and went to secretarial college as that is what my parents deemed 'right'. I then got a job in a professional office, again the 'right' thing to do. I met hubby when I was 17, parents approved of him, we got engaged when I was 18 and married at 19. Since then I have done what he has deemed 'right' - don't get me wrong, he is not a monster, but he does like his life to have a certain order to it - the house should be tidy, his dinner should be on the table when he gets in and I shouldn't work as that wouldn't be 'right' for his wife. Its only in the last year or so that I have started to question what is right for me, and to start living, to a certain extent, how I want to. I now go out with friends once or twice a week, play squash and have started to feel happier and more confident in myself. All these things cause hassle - he doesn't even like me playing squash with a female friend as he thinks I should be with him for that hour. Imagine what he is like when I go out for the evening and don't get home until 11.30! He has always had evenings out, usually through work or club related things and I have never had an issue with that. I know I'm rambling, but really need to get this off my chest. Anyway, I think the real issue is that I know an affair is 'wrong', and I have never done the wrong thing in other peoples views at all before. I suppose I am scared of being wrong/failure/I'm not sure what? I've decided I am going to continue my affair - it makes me happy and its about time I made my own decisions, however ill advised! It's only taken me 32 years to realise I am entitled to an opinion, and I won't always be right, but thats not how life works. I'm going to need lots of support, and you'll probably get bored with me posting on here, but for once I'm going to live my life for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:19am
Vamp -- sounds like you're going through that 'growing up' process most women go through as teens. I can relate to your situation, though, having been raised in a very strict Christian environment. At 18, I was less mature and self-assured than most 14-year olds. Now when I'm closer to 50 than 40, I'm finally coming into my own. Don't wait that long. There is too much good that life has to offer if we're only willing to reach out for it.

Honey, just make sure you're not going from one controlled environment to another. It is time to do what you feel is best. Be a little selfish. No sin in that. And please don't be afraid to come here for comfort when you need to.