New Here and in need of support

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
New Here and in need of support
14
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 12:41pm
Hi everyone~

I'm new here, although I've been lurking for awhile. I want to give you back ground and explain how I became a MW having an EMA with a MM. I met this man when we were 13 & 16. We were together until I was 17. We spilt up and seen one another a few more times before going separate ways..we spilt not by choice but by circumstances of our families - I moved 2 1/2 hours away.

I got married 2 years later to a wonderful man, who has treated me wonderful. We have 3 children and a nice home. A few years ago my sister contacted me telling me this man was looking for me...I knew I couldn't contact him, I had feelings for him that were too strong and I knew that if I did what would happen, out of fear i decided not to contact him at all. I never stopped thinking of him and never a day went by that he wasn't on my mind. When we went to war with Iraq, I knew I had to find him, because he was in the milatary last I had heard and I was so worried about him, I knew i had to find out if he was ok. This is 3 years after he tried contacting me....

I called and found his phone number and called him. We started talking like all the years between had not passed. We decided to meet one another...and then it lead to me comming her for support. I am now in a full blown affair and need some guidance,and direction, as well as someone to talk to that understands.

I love this man, I always have,and I always will. I also love my Husband and my children...I am in love with two men and I am torn.

I don't want to hurt and betray my husband, but I want to be with this OM so much that the risk is worth it to me....

I don't know if we will ever have anything...to have something more than what we have now will hurt too many people....but I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue on with just this and no more.... Am I?

I look forward to getting to know all of you- thank-you for listening.

~Wishing~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 1:22pm
Hi,

I'm new here as well, going threw the same thing and feeling completely torn. But let me ask you something, don't you feel so guilty...oh man I do, it drives me crazy. I think my husband know that I'm having an EMA but I think he's in denial.

My issue is my husband and I are trying to have children and yet I'm doing what I'm doing. I wish I never got into this, but my lover is so good to me, great sex, listens, makes me laugh, so I don't want to get out because he gives me so much emotional support, everything a woman looks for in a man.

What are we going to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 1:27pm
Hi wishing, welcome to the board. I'm pretty new here myself, and I've gotten a lot of good advice from people on this board. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with what is going on. It' a hard decision to make when people you love are involved. I know what is like being in love with OM, but my relationship with H is different. I met MM at work. We've been together for over four years now, and I've never loved anyone the way I love him. I don't think I ever will. H and I were pressured into getting married by our families after our child was born. MM and I had briefly split up at the end of my pregnancy, but ended getting back together when I came back to work. My daughter could be MM's or H's. I want to be with MM so bad, but I know that it most likely won't happen in the near future because of our home situations. I know what it is to be in love with my MM, but not with my H. I hope that whatever decision you make is right in your heart. If you do decide to continue with what is going on, be careful, and know that you have new friends here you can talk to. Just don't forget the possibilities of the worst. If you do get caught, it will hurt people. I hope that you'll get alot more advice than what I was able to give you. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 1:47pm
Hi Sosweet-

THanks for posting to me about this. I don't know what we're going to do... I really don't. Each day I feel different about what way I should handle the situation. It changes so drastically. As far as guilt...I do feel quilty at times, and other times I don't. My H and I have been married 13 years and I swore I would never have an EMA, never...how can people do that> Now I'm one of those people. I often turn my guilt into anger toward my h , it's not fair but I'm not doing it consciously, I just notice that it happens, probably because I want to have a reason to be doing what I'm doing.... crazy i know. I wish you all the best with your situation and know I'm here for you as we go through this. Can anything good come of this? For those of you who have been through this, how does it end? I don't want to hurt anyone ....or myself.

~Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 1:50pm
katavila,

Thanks for responding to my post. Your situation is different but still the emotions are strong and true. This is a hard thing to go through and I'm so glad that I don't have to go through it alone. I appreciate your words of encouragement and I hope and pray no one ever knows...

~Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 2:02pm
What advice would you give your husband if he came to you with this question? Lily
Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 2:15pm
Hi wishing and welcome to the board. Your situation sounds an awful lot like my own. I have been in my EMA for about 6 months but met him when we were 16 & 23. Because of our ages and my parents, I always had to sneak around to see him. Eventually, we lost contact and I married at 18 to my high school sweetheart...who has been a wonderful husband and father. I met up again with MM when I was 20 or so and he was my boss at the time. We were both married and eventually started an affair a couple of years after that, his wife became pregnant..I was going through all sorts of things in my own marriage at the time and things got way to complicated, so we broke it off. That was 12 years ago and I hadn't heard or talked to him since, I don't even think I had saw him except for a few times and we live in a pretty small town. Until several months ago when his email showed up in an email that had been forwarded to me. I took a chance, emailed him and here we are again....deeper than ever this time.

My emotions go from high to low, sometimes daily. Other times, seems like we can go for weeks and everything is perfect. Right now, we are in another one of our "ruts" it feels like and I'm not sure if he's backing off or what right now. I like you always thought I would never be involved in anything like this and I honestly know without a doubt I wouldn't do it with anyone except him. I too sometimes feel like I could risk everything I have for him and then my head tells me what a fool I'd be if I did. But I know that I love MM...I always have and I know I always will. I have a good husband who is really, really good to me and I know he loves me with his whole heart. I too am so confused about loving them both, but yet...I know I do. Like you...I too have three kids and have been with H for 16 years, which seems like such a long time sometimes. I can't see "giving" that up but at the same time I can't see "giving" MM up this time either.

I think I've come to a point that I'd rather have MM a little rather than not at all, even if that means having to continue this and sometimes I wonder if I have the strength at all to do either. If you'd like to email me, my address is prettyribbons4u@yahoo.com

You situation and mine sounds so much alike...Good luck with whatever you decide.

PR

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 2:48pm
Lily,

What question? I'm sorry I don't understand what your asking me.

~Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 2:51pm
PR- Thanks for responding. You don't know it but your post the other day, is the reason I decided to post here for support. I realized while reading something you posted that we share alot in common. I knew that with you here, I would recieve some understanding of my situation. I'm glad that your here and I hope we can share this together. It is hard and like you said, I know that I would not have an EMA with anyone else but this man. He has a part of my heart that I will never get back. I will email you soon.

Thanks,

~Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 3:02pm
It seems to be quite a few of us here in a similar situation. I have recently become reaquainted with my first love. We also had a difficult time being together the way we wanted when we were young. I totally understand what you mean about the risk, but when you think about what you had/could have with your lost love it makes you wonder. I just began posting as well, but look forward to talk with you!

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 3:13pm
I think you know the possibilities of how this will/can end. If you spend a little time on the Ending an Affair Support board, you'll get a big clue to the worst that can happen. In my short time here I've seen people who have been involved in EMAs for 1, 5, even 20 years. It CAN last and go on and on and on. I've also seen people who go NC and then see the relationships disappear. I've seen people who get discovered and all "H" breaks loose and they end up ending the R, or they end up leaving their marriage and being with the other person or being alone. I've seen people who went NC then resumed the R again, I've seen people who just one day get fed up and leave their M and either start a life with their OM/MM or alone. There are so many possibilities...it's really up to you and your OM, in the end. What you both want. Really, no, you can't come out of this without SOMEONE getting hurt. That's what I told MM when all this started. I said, "Someone's going to get hurt here." He knew exactly what I meant. Either we're going to get hurt or the ones we love are going to get hurt. Chances are, we'll ALL end up hurt in certain ways if we decide we want to be together someday. Or there's a possibility we could continue this EMA for an indefinite period of time and no one would ever find out about it and all would be happy. You're taking a risk...with your heart, with your life. Just make sure you know the risks going in.

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