New here and ...question#1

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2014
New here and ...question#1
15
Wed, 07-16-2014 - 4:59pm

Hi all,
Finally I found the forum I was looking for. I feel so alone, not being able to talk to anyone about this and hope to find here understanding and support. My story is so typical, it's probably boring. Both I and my AP are married for about 20 years, with kids. He is 8 years older than me. We started as friends that were meeting once a week in the park for workouts. After getting to know him I realized I was very much in love. For 6 months we've been meeting there, flirting, talking, enjoying each others company. When meetings in the park become impossible, we had the TALK, when we said we were attracted to each other and wanted to go all the way. Usually I get guilt very easily...but in this case- I'm too much in love to even feel guilty about not feeling guilty. It's been 2.5 months since our first time, we meet once a week/2 weeks.

Question:
He and his W don't really communicate and basically live separate lives, it was this way before we met and has nothing to do with me. Now, of course, I have the dream of spending the rest of my life with him, but currently I'd be happy to know this A is a long term one.  So...based on the facts that the sex is amazing for the both of us and that I'm trying really hard not to be needy, not to have the "relationship talks" , keep light and sweet, the fact that he's very nice to me, do you think this can be a long term A?

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 07-16-2014 - 11:58pm

He and his wife don't communicate and live separate lives?  That's the story that most men will tell their AP.  I doubt if they said they were happily married but he was bored and wanted a little action on the side......that they'd get many takers.  A long term affair will usually result in two divorces.......once the mates find out....and they surely will unless they are dumb as rocks.  You want to spend the rest of your life with him?  Are you prepared to get a divorce?  For now you want a long term affair?  Think about it logically.  If you're both married about 20 years, that means you're both in your 40's.  Long term......10 years?  20 years?  So in your 50's and 60's you'll still be sneaking around behind your spouses backs?  Does that make sense.  If he's unhappy at home, why doesn't he get a divorce.  If you're unhappy at home, why don't you get a divorce?  It's really easy to have great sex with a new man......I'll bet you had great sex with your husband once upon a time, too.  And sneaking around makes it even more exciting!  If you want anything "long term" out of this...........then put on your big girl panties and ASK him if he's planning a future with you.  Be prepared for him to walk away, but then at least you'll know!   Men who cheat aren't looking for "long term"....they just like the sex with other women, but  most women are not equipped to have sex with a man without wanting more.  Sex isn't love........it's just sex!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2014
Thu, 07-17-2014 - 4:11am
I didn't ask him about his W and I don't really care if he divorces. Actually, I prefer he didn't. I just want to know that we continue meeting until I'm ready to let go. And when I say "long term" I mean like 2-3 years. Look, I asked a simple question: does this A have a potential to become a long term? You answering a question: “What should I do?”
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2014
Thu, 07-17-2014 - 7:18am

Both of my parents had affairs when I was growing up.  If you think the kids won't find out, you are kidding yourself.  Your children are smarter than you think, and their opinion of you will never be the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 07-17-2014 - 11:29am

There is no way anyone (including him) can tell you how long this will last.  He might be a serial cheater, and move on in a few months......or he might be madly in love with you and want it to be forever!  He's the only one who knows how he feels, and maybe even he doesn't know.  Does anyone actually know what the future holds for us.  We have to do what we need to do today, and then all over again tomorrow.  If you want to know what's in his mind, and again, maybe he doesn't really know, then you have to ask him.  Affairs can be long or short.  They can end marriages or not.  You don't want him to divorce?  What will you do if he says he's getting one......for you?  What if his wife finds out and divorces him?  What if your husband finds out and divorces you?  And then the AP says......well, I was only having fun.  My suggestion to you is to do what you're doing, enjoy the moment, and don't worry about long term, or even tomorrow.  You want the "fun", you're having it, so enjoy it while it lasts......there are no guarantees in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-17-2014 - 11:42am

I don't think that anyone can predict what will happen in the future.  Maybe one or both of you will get tired of the sneaking around.  Maybe one of your spouses will find out.  Maybe he'll get prostate problems or ED and then you won't be having great sex.  Maybe one of you will get health problems and need someone who will actually take care of them.  Maybe after the novelty wears off, one of you will be bored and want to find someone else.  Maybe you'll get tired of suppressing your real feelings that you want more from him.  Or maybe you'll just continue to have the affair--who knows?  I just think you have to go into an affair without any expectations unless you want to drive yourself crazy and become unhappy about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2006
Thu, 07-17-2014 - 2:30pm

As you can already tell from some of the responses you've received that there are those you should simply ignore. Welcome to the Married Affair Support, which is supposed to be a place of encouragement, understanding and mutual aide.

From personal experience in a long term relationship not with wife, it lasted nearly 7 years. I was less content than she was to stay in the affair - she was the love of my life and I still think of her that way. However, in the beginning, where you are now, I didn't even think that far down the road. we merely enjoyed the time we had together. We didn't even speak of loving each other for year or so. We simply focused on how our relationship met the needs we both felt were not being met at home, and we revelled in the secrecy and excitement of us.

My sense is that worrying about a long term relationship is something not to worry about. Trying to let him meet your needs for today and you meet his is where your attention needs to be. Enjoy what you have, be intoxicated by it, get drunk off of it. These relationships outside of marriage are very different than marriages. They allow us to take a holiday, a break, have some "me" time, feel again the power of passion and desire, be and do things the marriage won't allow, etc. 

Have fun!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 07-17-2014 - 4:18pm

Are you asking if it can last long term with both of you keeping it light, not talking about feelings, and getting together once every week or two? Theoretically it could last like that forever. Or things could change because one of you wants it to become more or less, or some other situation arises that makes it difficult to continue. I don't think you can predict how it will progress because there are a lot of variables out of your control. By the way you said you want to know if it will last until you're ready to end it, seems like you want to have some or a lot of control over it. Control would probably kill the light and casual aspect.

You don't feel like you can ask him in a light way if he thinks he'll want to keep meeting for the foreseeable future? That's probably the only way to get an answer with having "the talk".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 1:31am

You are way over thinking this relationship.  Is it long term?  Of course not! Its an affair! Do you think he's going to leave his wife for you? Are you reallly going to leave your husband for him?  No!  So just enjoy it for what it is!  You are in the golden time right now of new sex.  It is all exciting and novel.  Eventually, however, it will either become comfortable or over.  Just have fun!!!!  (and don't get caught LOL!!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Sun, 07-20-2014 - 12:44pm

I think you've seen that for a support board, some of the posters here can be less than supportive, which is why I rarely, come here anymore.

That being said, I feel for you: the first time in an affair, and especially early on, can bring on a lot of questions.  Unfortunately, there's no answer to most of those questions.  Nobody knows how the two of you really feel outside of the two of you.  Nobody knows how honest you both are being except yourselves (sadly, there are people who are less than honest about their situation at home).  If you spend too much time thinking about the questions (does he feel the same as I do, how long will this last kind of questions), you'll drive yourself (and probably him) crazy.  The first several months of an affair, you are in a fog: it's all new, the feelings are so intense; it's hard to know what's real.  It's best to just relax and not analyze too much (or at all): it's an affair, so enjoy the new found friendship and passion for what it is.  Some affairs last days, some years, and there's no way of knowing, especially this early on, where your affair might fall in that.

anotherseyes

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 07-21-2014 - 4:16pm

As the others have said there is no way to know the longevity of your affair. Just take it one day or week at a time and see what happens. The problem is, as with many who try to similarily have a friends with benefits, that emotions start to come into play and you want more. Usually for the female much more so and often than the male.

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