New here and so glad to have found this place

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2014
New here and so glad to have found this place
13
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 9:44pm

I am a 44 year old woman in my 2nd marriage.  My marriage is seriously troubled with the fallout of serious issues with my husband's son from his first marriage, him not dealing with it and falling into a depression from which he refuses to get help but will medicate (which in my opionion is a bandaid).  His depression manifested for years before diagnosis as anger, mostly directed towards me and my daughter from my first marriage.  Even he admits that, but thinks we all should just forget about the past and move on.  But for me, there are too many resentments and walls built up to just drop on request.  I've insisted on marriage counseling during which he gave up, his own counseling, which he lied and gave up on.  I even had us in a couple's communication course which he claims now to not have understood because he was newly medicated for depression. 

Over the past 2 years, I've made changes in myself and managed to lose over 130 lbs.  This has me at a weight I haven't been for 30 years.  In 2 years I've gone from having to stop and rest when walking up to my 2nd floor to running my first 5K (ok, walking half of it LOL) in February and this weekend, my first ever 10K.  This journey has in part made me realize what I'm missing and I started looking for an affair.  I thought that what I wanted was a "fling" in which my self esteem could rise and I could deal with the things that are missing in my marriage.  So about 5 months ago, I started talking online with men and after 2.5 months of that, I met with a man I'll call T., ironically on my birthday when it just happened to work out last minute to meet for a "quick" coffee.  That turned into a 2-3 hour talk in which things went so well, that we made plans to meet later that night and yes, for sex.  It was intense and probably due to my insecurities about myself, I was convinced I was never going to hear from him again.  Um, nope...I saw him again the following day, and if anything, it was MORE intense but in a different way.  The first night when we had sex it was frantic monkey sex (LOL) and the 2nd night it was slower, more sensual and everything I could have wanted. 

We had a lot of conversations online and then in the that early week about expectations and such and his only concern (and what ended his previous and only affair of 2 years despite the fact that he says he loved her) was pressure to leave his wife.  There are some cultural things involved in that (he was born in another country and married someone who is from the same culture).  None of that bothered me because once again, I was in it for a "fling". 

It's now 2 months later, and so much for the fling. LOL  For the first few weeks, I was a MESS.  Not trusting that he meant what he said and such and almost addicted to the man.  But now, I couldn't be happier or more secure.  The other day, he drove for 3 hours for what was supposed to be only an hour together during which he held my hands and told me he would be perfectly fine with just talking and holding each other but I was insanely craving the man so I wouldn't let that happen...and he ended up with me for 3 hours having to adjust his alibi...oops.

Anyway...getting all of this out in a safe place is such a relief.  I hope to hang out here for a long time.  Thanks for "listeniing".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 5:48am

Welcome to the board, it is a great place to free your thoughts and sometimes anxieties. Make the most of the good times and keep a good perspective on your real life. I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2014
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 9:22am
Thank you. I definitely think a "safe" place is what I need to talk about this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 9:44am

I too am an (almost) 44 y old woman. I've had affairs in my previous relationships, although never in the current one of 10 + years and am not planning to.

Hope you will forgive me my being jaded and cynical.

You expressed clearly why you want this man in  your life. To sum it up in one sentence, the (completely) new you needed a completely  new life. He's part of it...main thing in it? Gertting to be main thing in it, based on what you posted.

Why is he with you? What's in it for him? Sex yes, but that's not difficult to get hold of. Why you?

Why are you married to your husband still? Why is he married to his wife and having affairs? (yes, there were many before you, not just one, believe me).

Are you on the same page re: the  outcome of this?

You're obviously all in...dreaming, loving, living your new life through this man. What about him?

Lastly, does he know about your weight loss?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 10:34am

I'm very confused about this thought process.  Your marriage is shot--your DH won't go for counseling.  You don't seem to have feelings for him.  Then you really worked on yourself and made this amazing weight loss and now you have a new you.  Why was your first thought that you should have an affair instead of that you should get divorced?  That's where my first thought would be if the marriage seems to be over.  Your AP told you that he's not going to leave his wife so what kind of a future do you see for yourself when you are already emotionally attached to him?  I just can't see this ending well for you.  Now that you see that men are attracted to the new you, why don't you get a divorce and find someone you can have an open relationship with?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 6:11pm

Well, I haven't been on the board for several years. I see after the replies here nothing as changed. My affair also ended and yes at times it was very painful, but it was my choice to participate. I take the blame and dealt with all the A entailed. Ladies you know scolding is not going to work. Why do you have to be so harsh on a new comer? She is already tangled in the A, that isn't going to change until one of them decides it is time to end it. I can see asking pointed questions, but please show some patience to the new people that arrive here Just because some of us have lived it and know the obvious outcomes, doesn't mean berating these people is going to help. We are here to offer a safe place for them to share, don't chase them away from their only outlet of sharing.

Newvome, remember posting on a free forum board opens yourself up to all kinds of opinions and affairs are obviously an unfavorable topic in many eyes. So take what helps you and ignore the rest. Don't take it personally, because even if the posts seem harsh they are still trying to offer you help. We see all kinds of affairs here and the pain they cause. Everyone hopes  to help someone avoid the pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 8:53pm

If you are referring to me, I didn't really mean this as a scolding to the OP--I am really curious as to how her thought process was working--why, when she is unhappy in the marriage, was her first thought to having an affair instead of getting divorced?  I know some people have reasons, whether it's financial, waiting for kids to grow up (I don't think that applies here), etc.  I also know that some people don't set out on purpose to have an affair and it just happens.  The OP may choose not to answer these questions but it might make her think about some things.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2014
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 1:59am

So many interesting comments.  I assumed mistakenly that this was a SUPPORT board.  Thanks for those who are...

For the record, I've been with my husband for over 14 years.  The first 6 were great....I couldn't have asked for a better partner.  Then all hell broke lose with the discovery that his son from his first marriage had been horrifically abused in his mother's home by his 2 stepbrothers there.  This is what caused my husband's depression.  He couldn't cope with the news itself, what had to be done (including a year long trial and all that surrounds that), lost interest in being a PARTNER in the marriage and the household and before the diagnosis of depression which was manifested in anger mostly towards myself and my daughter from my first marriage.  He now admits he treated her badly because she was "normal" and his son was "damaged" and he was jealous.  Yes, he said those words.  He treated me badly because my response to what we learned about his son was to fight for his safety and security, something my husband couldn't cope with.  He blames me for not "letting him grieve".  All of this is horrible enough but when his son went on to start down the path of abusing my husband's and my daughter in the same way he was abused, I wasn't given the respect in asking for ONE visitation with his son to be somewhere other than our house.  For years, all my husband could cope with was going to work.  I have been put in the position for at least 7 years of being not only pretty much a single parent but also having to take care of him.  And as bad as all this sounds, I haven't left because I keep thinking that the man I was with for the first 6-7 years might come back.  For the moment, my resentments and walls are high though.

In the meantime, my weight loss has been a reaction to spending so much time and energy taking care of everything else and losing myself in the process.  My affair is for the same reasons.  I haven't had my needs met in my marriage in many years despite trying to explain myself, get us into counseling (he bailed), and even registering us for a couple's communication course in which he claims not to have understood anything.  In fact, within days of meeting my AP, I sat my husband down and ONCE AGAIN asked him to please make an effort on meeting my needs and listed them.  Once again, he made promises, said he knew I hadn't gotten a fair shake, and guess what?  2 months later...nothing has changed.  I do not see our marriage lasting for the long term, but I keep giving him the chance to step up anyway. 

Silly me for thinking this was a "support" board...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 4:29am

Just ignore the harsh comments, especially those regarding "why would he want you". I imagine he just likes you, and whether or not he's had affairs before is irrelevant, he wants you now and if you want him, enjoy what you have when you have it. It sounds like you've really been through a lot and you deserve a little happiness, an affair may not be the ideal way to get it, but I'm having one too and for the moment it's keeping me smiling, although I know it won't last forever Smile

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 7:59am

Don't be chased away, truth is perhaps many here need to wait and see a bit about what kind of support you are looking for. Their hearts are in the right place for helping, they just tend to come across like they are charging across a battle field with their guns blazing. 

In almost every affair story, there is a back story and since the posters here don't know that story they post about what they do know. From being on the boards time and time again, they read the stories and feel the pain, they know affairs are really not the answer, but forget that it is a process you need to find on your own. 

Along with everything your life has revolved around in the last seven years, I can totally see your need for an escape. Be true to yourself and take care of yourself. 

I know you are waiting for the man you married to come back, sometimes life throws things at us that change us and the path of our lives. I am sure in part you feel a huge burden of guilt in the idea of leaving your husband in his depressed state. This is where once again I am going to tell you, be true to yourself, take care of yourself and your daughter, no one will do that for you but you.

Enjoy your affair for the escape it is, but don't get lost in it as it isn't going to solve your real life problems. 

Remember many of the posters here want to see you live a happy and healthy life. Your original post seemed to toast the dreamy state of feelings you felt for your affair and what it is doing for you. You are very early into the affair and a fog of feel good feelings wrap around you. One tends to get sucked in and it becomes the place you seek your happiness and worth from. Since your AP has already had a previous A, he is deemed a serial cheater and a red flag is waved to the old time board members "oh no, here come another heartbreak"  and the posters want to steer you in the right direction, they know an affair will not build your sense of worth.

Your self worth has taken a beating in your marriage, your husband is beyond your help, but one can not always see that and because you care, you take his happiness and health personally. Letting go doesn't mean you don't care, it sometimes means you just need to take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2014
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 9:20am
Thank you so much for the last few comments. Yes, I understand that my first post didn't make clear what the backstory was which is why I wanted to explain a bit more about my perspective and what led to this. And yes, I am well aware that I am in a "fog" but I am definitely in a different "place" than I was in the early weeks. Those early weeks were rife with doubt about his intentions and whether he was being as genuine as he seemed to be with me. I questioned everything, and he was really good about that. Yes, he has had one affair before. He has been married 30 years and his only other affair was 2 years long. I wanted to know some things about that affair, including how it ended so we did discuss it. He admitted that he had loved her and that ending it was painful for him, which I understand and also gives me a bit of window into the fact that he wasn't just using her. I don't feel he's using me either as last week he arranged to drive for 3 hours to spend only an hour with me, and made it clear that he would have been happy to just sit and talk for that hour, that he didn't expect sex from me. Someone asked whether he knows about my weight loss, and yes he does. Early on when we were talking online, I showed him a before and after photo and he was blown away. I'm not sure why this was asked but I thought I'd answer. This affair is absolutely an escape for me. I knew that absolutely when I started looking for something. For me, it's also a way for me to allow myself to "let go" of the resentments and the giant walls I've built around myself and just be ME for a change, not what anyone else wants me to be. I have no illusions that this is going to evolve into us leaving our spouses for each other, and I know it's going to end at some point, probably with hurt feelings. I've done a LOT of reading on affairs, and I am on the fence as to whether this is an exit affair or not. Time will tell. If it is, it will be because my self esteem and self worth will have risen to a place that I know my priority needs to be myself and my kids. It won't be because of the affair guy. So yes, I have my eyes wide open, and yes, I am also deliriously happy with the time and attention I am getting from this man. And for now, I believe it's what I need.

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