New here and so glad to have found this place

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2014
New here and so glad to have found this place
13
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 9:44pm

I am a 44 year old woman in my 2nd marriage.  My marriage is seriously troubled with the fallout of serious issues with my husband's son from his first marriage, him not dealing with it and falling into a depression from which he refuses to get help but will medicate (which in my opionion is a bandaid).  His depression manifested for years before diagnosis as anger, mostly directed towards me and my daughter from my first marriage.  Even he admits that, but thinks we all should just forget about the past and move on.  But for me, there are too many resentments and walls built up to just drop on request.  I've insisted on marriage counseling during which he gave up, his own counseling, which he lied and gave up on.  I even had us in a couple's communication course which he claims now to not have understood because he was newly medicated for depression. 

Over the past 2 years, I've made changes in myself and managed to lose over 130 lbs.  This has me at a weight I haven't been for 30 years.  In 2 years I've gone from having to stop and rest when walking up to my 2nd floor to running my first 5K (ok, walking half of it LOL) in February and this weekend, my first ever 10K.  This journey has in part made me realize what I'm missing and I started looking for an affair.  I thought that what I wanted was a "fling" in which my self esteem could rise and I could deal with the things that are missing in my marriage.  So about 5 months ago, I started talking online with men and after 2.5 months of that, I met with a man I'll call T., ironically on my birthday when it just happened to work out last minute to meet for a "quick" coffee.  That turned into a 2-3 hour talk in which things went so well, that we made plans to meet later that night and yes, for sex.  It was intense and probably due to my insecurities about myself, I was convinced I was never going to hear from him again.  Um, nope...I saw him again the following day, and if anything, it was MORE intense but in a different way.  The first night when we had sex it was frantic monkey sex (LOL) and the 2nd night it was slower, more sensual and everything I could have wanted. 

We had a lot of conversations online and then in the that early week about expectations and such and his only concern (and what ended his previous and only affair of 2 years despite the fact that he says he loved her) was pressure to leave his wife.  There are some cultural things involved in that (he was born in another country and married someone who is from the same culture).  None of that bothered me because once again, I was in it for a "fling". 

It's now 2 months later, and so much for the fling. LOL  For the first few weeks, I was a MESS.  Not trusting that he meant what he said and such and almost addicted to the man.  But now, I couldn't be happier or more secure.  The other day, he drove for 3 hours for what was supposed to be only an hour together during which he held my hands and told me he would be perfectly fine with just talking and holding each other but I was insanely craving the man so I wouldn't let that happen...and he ended up with me for 3 hours having to adjust his alibi...oops.

Anyway...getting all of this out in a safe place is such a relief.  I hope to hang out here for a long time.  Thanks for "listeniing".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 10:18am

Your head is in the right place, keep your expectations there and you will enjoy what you have. Do use this time to think about what you want in life and where you want to take yourself. Sounds like your affair guy will be a good support for you. Just don't attach yourself to him so firmly that you stay in a bad situation to keep him in your life. Also you are young enough to have enough life to live that letting go will give you time to heal and then find someone that can be a true partner to you. I hope you stay on the board and post as needed. Big hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Newvome, we all have to go through our own experiences in order to learn from them. People will always give you their story but in the end this is your book and your life are in all those chapters that make up who you are. Regardless of what you're doing and why you're doing it, is all on you and you have to live with that. If this is making you happy than so be it. You are obviously not in denial and know that your marriage will not make it for the long term. You are being real with yourself which is more than I can say for most. All I ask is to be careful and enjoy the affair for what it is...nothing more, nothing less.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 9:26pm

Welcome Newvome!  I haven't posted in a long time, but used to be a regular here Smile.

I sympathize with much of your story, as I've lived a similar story.  I think you've been given some good advice: focus on YOU, your own happiness.  You do need to make some decisions about your marriage (and believe me, I stay, too, hoping for the man I fell in love with to come back), and to be relaxed about the affair (don't let yourself get caught up in it), just enjoy it for what it is.

anotherseyes

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