New here and sorry its a long one xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2014
New here and sorry its a long one xx
Thu, 07-24-2014 - 3:33pm

Well here I go,

Rewind 13 years, I'm 21 and out with the girls. Its a bit of a cliche, but we go to see a band, and immediatly I'm awestuck with the singer, well one thing leads to another and we end up kissing, swapping numbers and saying good night. I didn't think I'd hear from him again but he called and we arranged to meet. We lived an hour apart, so I never thought it weird that we never went to his. Anyway about 3 months in, he confesses everything. You guessed it, he's married, his wife is mildly disabled, he has a son, but it was too late, I couldn't walk away. 3 years passed, we were totally in love, but he never left his wife. His family, including his parents knew about me, I met them on several occasions. His friends and colleagues knew about me. Many things got in the way, he worried as he was 16 years older than me, his son was also found to be disabled so it ended and we never spoke again. I was truly destroyed. I met another man almost straight away, and we had two gorgeous boys together, but I never forgot AP. Everywhere I went I looked for him, I even went to gigs just to catch a glimpse of him. Anyway, 8 years after the affair ended, I decided to message him. He messaged straight back, we ended up speaking on the phone every day, multiple times. After about a month we decided to meet, we talked and talked and then we kissed. We'd missed eachother so much. Over the next 5 months we met up a few more times but it never physically went further than kissing and I realised how unhappy I was with my partner so after much emotional soul searching I left him. Not for AP but because I couldn't bear to live a lie any longer. I truely believe that AP is my soulmate and I know he feels the same. So here I am, a year into an affair that is both killing me and making me the happiest I have ever been. I now know that when the affair ended first time round, he went home and told his wife everything. Its never been forgotten and I am still brought up now. i'm sure she knows something is going on again. He never lies to me about her, he doesn't bitch about her or make her out to be evil. He simply doesn't love her anymore. Our relationship is about much more than sex. We very rarey have sex, its enough to just be in eachothers company. He wants to leave, he just doesn't know how. He worries about how his son will cope, and I guess he's just scared. Again I am part of his life that his family and friends are aware of, and I know its only a matter of time before it all comes out. I know he's not just using me, but I just don't know if he's ever going to leave her. I can't lose him again. I just can't :(

Sorry for the long rambling post, I just needed to get it all out