New here and sorry its a long one xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2014
New here and sorry its a long one xx
Thu, 07-24-2014 - 3:34pm

Well here I go,

Rewind 13 years, I'm 21 and out with the girls. Its a bit of a cliche, but we go to see a band, and immediatly I'm awestuck with the singer, well one thing leads to another and we end up kissing, swapping numbers and saying good night. I didn't think I'd hear from him again but he called and we arranged to meet. We lived an hour apart, so I never thought it weird that we never went to his. Anyway about 3 months in, he confesses everything. You guessed it, he's married, his wife is mildly disabled, he has a son, but it was too late, I couldn't walk away. 3 years passed, we were totally in love, but he never left his wife. His family, including his parents knew about me, I met them on several occasions. His friends and colleagues knew about me. Many things got in the way, he worried as he was 16 years older than me, his son was also found to be disabled so it ended and we never spoke again. I was truly destroyed. I met another man almost straight away, and we had two gorgeous boys together, but I never forgot AP. Everywhere I went I looked for him, I even went to gigs just to catch a glimpse of him. Anyway, 8 years after the affair ended, I decided to message him. He messaged straight back, we ended up speaking on the phone every day, multiple times. After about a month we decided to meet, we talked and talked and then we kissed. We'd missed eachother so much. Over the next 5 months we met up a few more times but it never physically went further than kissing and I realised how unhappy I was with my partner so after much emotional soul searching I left him. Not for AP but because I couldn't bear to live a lie any longer. I truely believe that AP is my soulmate and I know he feels the same. So here I am, a year into an affair that is both killing me and making me the happiest I have ever been. I now know that when the affair ended first time round, he went home and told his wife everything. Its never been forgotten and I am still brought up now. i'm sure she knows something is going on again. He never lies to me about her, he doesn't bitch about her or make her out to be evil. He simply doesn't love her anymore. Our relationship is about much more than sex. We very rarey have sex, its enough to just be in eachothers company. He wants to leave, he just doesn't know how. He worries about how his son will cope, and I guess he's just scared. Again I am part of his life that his family and friends are aware of, and I know its only a matter of time before it all comes out. I know he's not just using me, but I just don't know if he's ever going to leave her. I can't lose him again. I just can't :(

Sorry for the long rambling post, I just needed to get it all out


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-24-2014 - 4:00pm

I would be very skeptical about hearing someone say "I don't know how to leave my wife."  You left your partner, didn't you, even though you have children?  It's always hard to get a divorce when the other party didn't do anything wrong and you know you will hurt them.  I would guess that his son is about 10 yrs old--you say that he's disabled, but is it the kind of disability that requires major care or something that can be coped with?  Kids do not like it when their parents get divorced, but if the parents can act respectfully to each other and the kids can spend time with both parents, they can usually deal with it.  So how long are you willing to put up with being the OW if hedecides he can't leave his wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2014
Thu, 07-24-2014 - 4:13pm
his son is 16 now. hes facing more surgery which i think is the problem. His disability can be coped with and isn't life limiting. His wife has the same condition. I want him in my life, but I want him to be mine, I don't want to share him with her. I know that sounds ridiculous coming from he OW. If he can't leave her, then I don't know. I know I'm worth more than this.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 07-24-2014 - 6:23pm

The short answer to end it and TRUST that if you two are supposed to be together, fate will allow it as two, single adults.  

Chances are slim he will get D any time soon.  It happens, I am now married to my xAP, but my case is rare.  I had to say "I can't do this" after two years, yes I said two years, of waiting.  

I mean, you can keep doing what you are doing if you want to.  I did it for 2 years.  But eventually something will have to give.  When that is for you, only you can know.  

Good luck and stick around.  :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 12:35am

He has "excuses" and you buy them.  Simple as that.  If he wanted to be with you, he WOULD be with you.  As someone else mentioned, you left your husband just because you weren't "happy"......he could do the same.  He doesn't want to.  He is happy exactly the way things are....and if he wasn't happy, he would change things.  My ex was the same.......affairs, can't leave wife, (God knows what reasons he gave) has 3 sons (lousiest father in the world) but he had his fun when he felt like it, and ONLY when he felt like it.  Stupid women put up with him!  When I finally filed for divorce, he BEGGED me not to do it.  He knew he had a decent home to come home to.....who knows with the bimbos he was playing with.  I proceeded with the divorce, and he immediately married the woman he'd been with for a few years.  Guess what?  She divorced him too.  He wasn't so much fun when he was her husband!  Affairs are very different than true relationships.  You only see the don't hear the moaning about spending too much money, or the house isn't clean enough to suit him, or he didn't like the dinner you cooked.  As long as you're available to him, he has NO NEED to get a divorce.  If you give him an ultimatum, and you leave him.......that will be the end.  He won't leave his family.  He wants you "on the side" not permanently. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Thu, 07-31-2014 - 3:45pm
I don't blame you for not wanting to share him. I wouldn't want to be in that predicament either and there's nothing wrong with you letting him know that. I've always been all or nothing. What's the worse that can happen? He says he's not leaving his wife? Well if he does at least you know where you stand and you have two options. You either deal with that reality and remain with him or say goodbye and keep things movin'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2014
Thu, 09-11-2014 - 3:09pm

 I have to say that I disagree with the statement that people will quickly run and leave a marriage or a relationship or other such things.  I will also disagree with the statement that affair partners rarely get married.  Statistics prove that differently.  The reasons why I say this is 1) some people straddle the fence for a long time, afraid to pull the trigger even though they know they have too, humans can be that way sometimes.  Whether they are leaving for an AP or for other reasons, making the decision to unravel a life is not easy for many, I know for me it took three years from the time I knew it was over to the time I pulled the trigger.  Many things kept me there.  2) Respect  for many that is a reason to hold off on pulling the trigger.  Marriage even an unhappy one allows for the couple to have respect, because society has a tendency to make divorce people appear to be failures, especially for men respect is at times is greater than love.   3) When a person is busted doing something wrong ie cheating, the immediate thing to do is to ask for forgiveness, now whether they want it or not is another completely different story, however they are sorry for hurting the other person and afraid of losing the respect they feel they have in the house and in the community.  Honestly my belief is not that all cheaters are players and will continuously cheat.  Many people are lonely and desperate and sometimes the reality is that it is cheaper to keep her/hom, also for men leaving a marriage can have more dire consequences tan for women, the court system is built for women, if there are children involved it might be better to wait before they leave, first they are relegated to every other weekend and maybe a midweek visit as if that's enough.  Anyway, what I'm saying is that I call BS to that statement that if a person wants to leave they will...doesn't work or apply to everyone and dare I say most have a difficult time pulling that trigger.  And to say that not all affair partners end up together well, from what I've seen and read looks like plenty of them are ending up together and having successful marriages.  The statistic of second marriages not lasting as long as first ones hold true for all relationships it's just not exclusive to one.  My advice to anyone that is leaving a marriage would be to leave because that relationship itself is not god, they tried all they could to save it and didn't work out.  Leaving for someone else is prob ably not in the best interest of anyone, everyone needs time to heal after a divorce.  As amicable as it can be or contetious it is traumatic.    OP just be careful in calling someone your soul mate, not always do soul mates end up together, sometimes they are just here to teach you a lesson and then move on.  Personally I don't believe in them, but if I were to that previous statment resonates with my soul, not everyone you meet is meant to walk your entire life with you.      I guess in the end my biggest questions or what baffles me is why are people having affairs?  Not in a judgmental way (I had one years ago)  but are we as individuals choosing Mr/Mrs. Right now?  Then realize that we jumped into a permanent situation with someone that was meant to be a temporary person?  Now we've built a life together and ...oh crap, it was never intended?  Just thinking, if any of you have any answers I would love to hear it.  I actually divorced because I was done with my ex, affair had been over for more than two years.  I still have feelings for my AP but have zero contact with him,even though we live in the same town now that is a whole other nut.  lol

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 09-18-2014 - 12:26pm

Personally I don't believe in the phrase that two people were "meant to" be together. I guess I just can't get my head around the idea of ANY sort of fate in our lives.