new here andneed some feedback/advice..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
new here andneed some feedback/advice..
12
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 10:32am
My marriage has been touch and go for the last year now. A month ago my husband and I have confronted each other about what has been gong on and not going on in our marriage. I finally had to admit that even though he is a lovely person and good with my son (from my first marriage) I am no longer "in love" with him and haven't been for quite some time. He is 13 years older than I and our lives just do not seem to be going in the same direction any more.....I have felt lately like getting out and enjoying life..exploring new places, things etc..while my husband prefers to stay home....play on the computer..watch tv ect. Now there are lots of little reasons that I have ended up feeling the way i do right now..but here is the dilemma.

I have agreed to stay for awhile to try and "work things out"..unfortunately it's not working for me at all. In the lsat 2 months i have met a very kind gentle man, single father with 2 children......I have explained my situation and although we have become freinds..there has been no sexual involvement besides hugging and kissing. We talk twice a week on the phone (as he lives in a different city)...we email......etc....I feel totatlyy ay ease with this man..talking and confiding in him..he accepts me for who I am....asks about my son etc....and admits he has developed deep feeling for me. Deep in my hert I could very easily fall in love with this man...he writes me poetry and is emotionally very honest...affectionate. I have spoken to people who know him and he has always been this way. (so it's not just a put on for me).

With my marriage on the "rocks' should I end it now and try and move on with this other man? He says he will wait however long is necesary and has not pushed for sex at all. HELP!

Thanks everyone for listening..I know I wrote quite a bit.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 10:11am
I am in the same boat as you. You have to answer that question yourself. Are you confused about the love you have for your H? I am. Even though I know it was over before me and MM met it stil confuses me. Search your heart. Don't leave for another man. I'm going to try counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 10:23am
I agree, don't leave your marriage for another man. Get very clear about your marriage first. Counseling can help you do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 2:35pm
Hi..

Thanks for your response. It's nice to know I'm not the only one in the "boat". No, I wouldn't leave for another man. My marriage has been on the edge well before I met this gentleman. Although my husband is not a bad person......I haven't been "in love" with him for quite sometime. It took me along time to be able to admit that. This "other" man has come along only recently. The only reason I am still in my marriage is for my son's sake. But, I don't know how much longer I can do this and put my life on hold.


H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 2:38pm
That's just it. I am very clear about my marriage and what it is I want and don't want. Unfortunately my husband and I have have not been on the "same page" for quite some time. My leaving my marriage woul dhave nothing to do with "another man". This situation is totally new and has noccurred with me before. I have been married previously and never contempleated or had an affair.

Thanks for everyone's help! I appreciate it!

H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 2:46pm
H,

I understand your dilemma and how emotionally confusing it can be. I bet you are feeling "stuck" right now not knowing which way to turn... I would recommend that you take some time away -- just you -- for a long weekend. Use that time to be quiet and really "listen" to what you want. Sometimes we need to still the chatter of our everyday lives to get clarity. This is an important decision and I'm sure you'll come back with a plan or a process for moving forward. Don't waste another minute of your very precious time in limbo. Make the time and just do it.

Best of luck and hugs...Susanna

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 8:01am
"Stuck" is a very good word. I feel very "stuck" right now. Do I leave a marriage I am no longer confortable in and a man I know cares for me and my son? Although he can at times be very spoiled, angry and self centred. Do I get on with my life and explore other possiblilites and live the way i would like to? DO I include another man who wants nothing more than to accept me as I am and make me happy?

I've spent my whole life taking care and worrying about other people. Mostly to the neglect of my own emotional and physical well being at times. I care about my husband, he's a good man an dbeen agreat stepfather to my son but I haven't loved him the way a wife should for quite some time. As for a physical life, we haven't had one for months now. I've moved 3 times in the last 3 years so we could get to a city and place where he is happy and thriving but I feel totally lost. (I'm a small town girl and he's from the big city)

Lately I feel agreat desire just tobe alone. I'd love to be in a relationship with this "other man" and I know from those around him that he would give me the space I desire to esplore my life yet still be there for me.

Perhaps I 'm on th wron g board but I have no one to talk to really in this new city so I needed to reachout before I get myself into a situation I can't fix. I greatly miss intimacy and that feeling of comfort from being with someone. I don't have that right now. This other man offers this to me even though we have yet to "sleep" together.

I think I have made my decision it's the follow through I have a problem with. I hate confrontation and hurting people. But in the proces I am hurting me as well.

I will take some time for myself...as amatter of fact I am travelling out of town this weekdn to do just that.


Thanks for listening.

H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:39pm
If you no longer have no feelings for you husband, you should tell him. Give him his freedom to find someone who will love him and be compatible with him. You would do him a disfavor by staying with him and not having love for him. One can tell when one is not loved and it hurts like h*ll. Tell your husband that he would be free to find someone else as it wouldn't be fair for him to have a wife who is distant and unloving.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:50pm
Honey you sound like a very loving person who wants someone compatible. I think you are on the right track, in going away for awhile. If you no longer love your husband, there is no reason you should stay when you are so unhappy. Life is too short to live with him in a miserable way for the rest of your life. It wouldn't be right for your husband or you. Be diplomatic when you tell him of your feelings, let him know that he is worthy of someone who will love him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:52pm
Yes, we have spoken about it and he does know how I feel. I have not kept him in the dark as to the extent or lack of my love for him right now. He understands and acknowledges his part in what has occurred over the last year.

I have never been one to be dishonest with anyone...especially about love.

For the time being we are together to try and "work it out". Unfortunately things have been let go for too long to ever get back the feelings and confort level I once had with him. He realizes this.

We are more friedns than lovers at this point, he for his part is content with that..I am no..I was hoping perhaps time would help but it's making matters worse.

I do appreciate your concern though..thank you.

H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:59pm
Thank you for your kind words....and as I mentioned in the post previous we have been honest with each other. My husband knows how I feel...

Yes I am seeking someone who is alittle more compatible than what my husband and I seem to be. I don't know if I mentioned that my husband is 13 years older than I am and seems to use this an an excuse to get out of any plans I try to make with him or as a family..including sex.

The gentleman friend I mentioned is closer to my age...and we seem to have the same goals and outlook on life. He does not pressure me at all for sex....knows my situation and is there for me when I need to talk or cry...

I just get the feeling that I need to start living life on my own terms....everyone is so used to me being there for them..doing for them.....giving up everything for them...I'm not content to be that way any longer.

Am I crazy?

H.

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