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| Mon, 02-08-2010 - 12:28pm |
I was married for nearly 7 years. My husband cheated on me 4 times in our marriage and this last time he fell in love with another woman and left me for her. I'll admit that I knew my marriage wasn't going to work out the first time that he cheated. I just held onto it because I was raised to believe that divorce is not an option. Forgive, forget and move on.
I admit that I came to these boards to cope (the "how to deal with a cheating spouse" boards). I scanned this board as well and was nauseated that such a thing existed, a board for people to vent about their affairs that they were having. But as my new "name" will imply, I'm now a "Mrs Jones".
I am no longer married, but I'm having an affair with a man who is.
He and I have been friends for 7 years. He is my former husbands best friend since childhood. Though since my husband left me, he has had virtually no contact with him. I know that that's just nuts and I wish I could explain the entire situation.
He married a girl who I used to be friends with. He has confided in me about his marriage and how unhappy he is in it. He says she has her good days, but for the most part all she knows how to do is nag, gripe, and constantly be on him about what he's not doing, how he's not doing things right..etc. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't hear it myself. They've only been married a little over a year. My former husband hates my AP's wife and never even wanted them to get married. Part of me wonders if he'd be relieved if his friend left his wife and was with me. My former husband and I do still talk. He's convinced he's a serial cheater and will never change and therefore left because he was tired of hurting me. He's told his best friend (my AP) what a wonderful woman I am, that I'm so sweet, so beautiful and just an amazing person - but that he knows that he was hurting me and didn't want to do that anymore. So maybe he'd be happy knowing that his best friend was being taken care of the way he should be? I know, absurd right? haha!
After my husband decided to leave, me and my AP (is that what you call them?) talked, a lot. He knew of everything that went on in my marriage, therefore it felt good to talk to him because I didn't have to explain my husbands past or anything. He was my support system. I'd text him or call him when something was going on with my husband. He'd call or text me to check on me, see how I was doing, etc. We would talk for hours! Before you know it, we're calling each other everyday. He has become my best friend and I have become his. It was definitely an emotional affair.
In October 2009, the emotional affair got taken to an intimate / physical affair. And still is.
He has told me, several times, that he's fallen in love with me. That he had no idea that someone like me existed. That he can't believe that my husband let someone like me go. That I'm the only person he sees a future with. That I make him feel like he's in a movie. That any little fight that he and his wife gets into he secretly hopes that it'll be the fight that will end things. That he knows that ending his marriage would hurt a lot of people, but at the end of the day he'd know that I was his and he was mine and that's all that would matter.
He doesn't want to hurt anyone and he knows that it would crush her for him to leave. And me, being on the receiving end of the "I'm leaving you" news...I know how that feels and wouldn't wish that on most people. He's also said that it literally brings tears to his eyes and crushes him to imagine me NOT by his side forever. So we're in a "wait and see" mode. It sucks sometimes. I wish that we could just be together, no hiding, no sneaking...just be "us".
I do love him though. He is an amazing man. He's a hard worker. He would do anything for anyone. He has such an incredible heart. This is all stuff that I knew before we even got "involved" with each other. This isn't new stuff that I'm just discovering. It breaks my heart to witness him being so under-appreciated by the one person on this planet who should be his biggest supporter.
All I have to do is look at him, lock eyes with him from across the room, and it's like we know exactly what the other is thinking. It's a feeling that I've never experienced before. We're so... in sync...with each other. I love him on a whole different level than I ever loved my ex-husband. He says that he's experienced feelings for me that he never thought was possible. I think that part of that is that my husband and I had a very short "dating" life before we were married. Whereas my AP and I have been friends for 7 years and have recently moved that into best friend territory. We were in best friend territory for a while before it was taken to a physical level. He says he trusts me more than anyone he's ever known and I feel the same way about him. That's huge to me.
When he talks to me about his wife - I'm really hesitant to say anything rude or "then leave her". I have asked him, though, how many times is too many times to forgive a person who treats you that way before you say "enough is enough"?
I've told him that I feel like life is playing some cruel joke on me though. Just a year and a half ago, he was unmarried. Had my husband left me then, this relationship would be so much easier to pursue! What if we were "meant" to be together all along but because of bad decisions on our parts, we ended up with other people? I just have to keep going like we're going and if we're "meant to be" then it'll happen...someday.
I'm not really sure that I have any questions or anything at this point in time. I just wanted to stop in...
I'm in love. It feels so great. He makes me feel so beautiful, so loved, so amazing. We still talk for hours about nothing! We can just sit and talk without being physical and still I feel the same way about him. The sex is in itself something like I've never experienced. He's just...a wonderful human being.
~I am Mrs Jones~

First of all... welcome to MAS! ☺
Secondly - I'M Mrs. Jones LOL! In that song (which I love and identify with) Mrs. Jones appears to be the married one :-) But I know what you mean.
Your situation sounds very ironic - as you bring out the fact that 1½ years ago it would have been so much easier. BUT think about it: your AP's marriage is short, there are no children? (right?) It would appear that he is in a MUCH better place to leave the marriage if he is unhappy than most people are in. The longer it goes on, the harder and more complicated it is to leave.
People here have often said that when a man is in love with you, he will move mountains to be with you. In your case it appears your AP would be moving hills rather than mountains. I know you don't want to hurt his wife or force the issue, but if you don't want to wait years and have years of heartache and roller coaster rides, I would at least think about setting a "timeline" with him. Think it through - if he continues to stay with his wife, no matter what words he's telling you, his actions are saying that he's right where he wants to be. No matter what you witness or have witnessed yourself about his marriage, if he's not leaving it's because he doesn't want to. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors or what a relationship TRULY is.
I hope it all goes the way you want it to, and come here as often as you like. If you continue in the relationship, there will be LOTS of venting etc. you'll need to do and we'll be right here with you!
You've got a lot of choices. I
Sorry,but words are cheap and please dont carried away by them.
Hey Lexione!
Thanks for your speedy welcome! :)
At the moment, I'm not in a huge rush or outright pushing & prodding for him to leave her. I mean, I would certainly be overjoyed if he could be mine and only mine - but I understand his situation. I've just come out of an unhappy marriage. I was unhappy with my marriage by year 3 and should have left, wanted to leave, but I didn't. I waited until he was the one who left. Mainly because I didn't want to hurt a bunch of people by being the one to leave. Although I was relieved that my marriage came to an end, there were things about the departure that still hurt. So (in my humblest of opinions...haha) I can somewhat relate to where he is in his marriage. When he talks about her to me, all I tell him is the thing about how many times can he forgive her before he says enough is enough. A person can promise that they'll change so many times before you have to realize that they aren't going to. I stay at their house when I'm in town (handy...haha!) The other night we were sitting in their office talking, having one of our normal "chatter about anything and everything" conversations (only physical parts were that there was a hand on the leg everyt now and then or a kiss on the cheek...)and she came storming out of their room demanding he come to bed. We finished our covo and he went to bed. I guess he got reamed big time once he went to bed. I got a text from him saying how sorry he was that he had to leave me hanging, that she had managed once again to send his blood pressure thru the roof and that he was feeling like complete crap again even with the pain meds he was on. He then said "I'm so sick of this!". He knows. And I know that he knows. The ball's in his court. But I'm not ready to start putting that kind of pressure on him just yet. I know he has to come to that point on his own. Like you said, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.
I should have mentioned that even though they've only been married a little over a year (and you're correct, no kids - I have 2, he has none) they have been "together" for almost 7 years. They met at my and my ex hubby's wedding. So they do have a long past together. But I completely understand what you mean and what you're saying though.
It's still in a fairly new state so we'll see where things go. I'm trying to keep my head in the realistic state that there may come a day when he says that he wants to be 100% committed to his marriage. So, we'll see.
hey lovingdoll2008!
Short, sweet & to the point! thanks! :)
The emotional part of the affair started around the first part of September, so he had been married for 11 months by then.
As I've said I'm still trying to keep things realistic in my head. So far, so good. Glad to have the board to come vent.
Hi and welcome to the MAS board.