New here - Fearful of feeling

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
New here - Fearful of feeling
4
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:18am
Hello everyone, I stumbled across this site last night and am so grateful to have an outlet to discuss and read about other's situations in A's.

Briefly, I'm in my 40's married for 20 years. Marrage has been over for 10+, staying until the kids leave. H has a drinking problem, along with some serious passive agressive behavior - non of which he will address.

Last month, I met a man, younger than me. Since that time we have met for coffee and lunch. Things have not progressed passed kissing, holding hands, etc. He is such a kind spirit and I have no guilt about entering into an A. I have tried to make the marriage work and I have thrown in the towel long ago.

I have, however this fear in the pit of my stomach. The fear is allowing myself to "feel" anything for a man again. I have been badly hurt in my marriage, and have coped by closing off my heart. Now this man is in my life. He is everything my husband is not; kind, thoughtful, very tender, romantic. I find myself feeling things I haven't felt for 20 years, and it frightens me like nothing I can describe. I know, he and I can never be "together" as anything other than lovers, and I'm fine with this. My fear is loving again. I have forgotten how wonderful it feels to be treated as a charished being, and not the household help.

I have told him I want to take things slow, he has said, "We have all the time in the world. I will follow your lead and not push you into anything."

One moment I could weep with happiness over finding someone like this, and being treated so well, the next, I swear I am looking for ways to end it all....to protect myself from more heart ache. Has anyone experienced this fear? How did you overcome it?

Thanks for any help.


Edited 4/14/2004 9:34 am ET ET by sweet_summer_breeze

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:52am
Hello there Summer. I am pretty new around here too - just a few weeks for me. But there do seem to be some lovely people on this board, all of which can relate to much of what you are going through and feeling. My situation is very different to yours (I am 36, have been in an EMA for 3 yrs, I am a MW and he is a MM) - but what I would say is that your heart tends to lead you down a certain path, and there's little you can do about it. We are not all the same of course, some of us are stronger. But I think most women, despite their best/most sensible intentions, tend to find that their heart trundles off down a certain road and all they can do is take a deep breath and follow!

It sounds like you have been through a great deal of heart-ache and deserve some sunshine back in your life. I don't feel it's my place to encourage you one way or the other in terms of what you should do. But what I would say is that we all feel fear at certain times in our life and a desire to protect ourselves, but we need to recognise that unless we take a few leaps of faith here and there, we can let life's riches pass us by.

I have a suspicion that you are feeling these topsy turvy emotions because your heart has already chosen a path to walk down and has already set foot! So - take a real deep breath, try and relax a little, don't expect too much or too little and most important of all ENJOY!

Neuro x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:30am
Nothing like a sweet summer breeze on a hammock by the ocean...

Sorry just had to mention that. I am one of the few men on this board and I can read the heartache in your message. We all understand putting up walls to not get hurt again, we have all done it.

There is nothing wrong with feeling again. There is nothing wrong with OM/OW making you feel alive again. We all agree that an A happens because something was missing even though some did not realize something was or even how the A started but u know something is missing and according to u it is over. Y not give your self the opportunity to feel good and alive again. I am not saying in any means to start an A which kind of already started but treat yourself. Make your self feel alive. No woman should feel lonely, you are all meant to feel loved, wanted and sexy. If OM is providing that then go for it and enjoy. Break down the walls little by little.

On the other hand...

Let me warn you that an A is like no other R. It is very enlightning but at the same time it has many draw backs. Many many peeks but also many valleys.

I am sorry if my post does not help u much but I just wanted u 2 know that it's OK to feel alive and sexy again.

Giant

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:22am
Summer breeze makes me feel fine.. blowin' like the jasmine in my mind... (smile for Giant -- just had to say that).

Hon -- Giant is absolutely right on. I was one that was protecting my heart by keeping it encased in ice. Not so much because I'd been hurt in the past, but because my husband became disabled and no longer capable of the deeper mature feelings that we had once shared. I even went on an anti-depressant for the sole purpose of stifling my libido. All of that protection was great until the first time MM smiled at me. I can tell you this, the lows are worth the highs (at least for me). There sure are a bunch of both, but I really will take every valley just for a few moments on the top of the mountain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 9:51am
Thank you for your replies. You have all brought up some very good points. For now, I think I will "allow" myself to feel those good feelings I have with my MM, take this day by day, and try to be realistic about it all. He is such a blessing in my life. We met for lunch Thursday. It was one of those perfect days; warm, sunny, he picked up lunch and we just sat in these lovely gardens surrounding an old estate which is now open to the public. Two hours of sitting on a blanket under a flowering tree talking about things we would like to do together, our interests, his tucking a stray hair behind my ear, stroking the back of my hand...stealing a tender kiss when no one was around. It was perfect.

I have forgotten how much lighter life seems when there is someone special to share it with.

Thank you again, and look forward to visiting the group often.