New Here, just looking for some support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
New Here, just looking for some support.
1
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:19am
So. I suppose my issue probably isn't as serious as all of y'alls, because I'm not married. But I have been dating my boyfriend for almost four years (I'm almost 21), not counting an 6 month "break" we took. Lately I've just found myself growing to resent the fac that 1) we've dated for so long and I really haven't had any other experience with men, aside from a handful I dated during our break. and 2) his level of maturity seems far below mine. I'm thinking about my career, he's going to be in college for another three years. He fails, I get straight A's. I find myself cleaning up after him, not just monetarily, but also emotionally. I'm basically like a brick wall to him that absorbs all the shocks of our relationship, which are basically brought on by him. He can flip out as much as he wants, and I'm always supposed to be OK. I mean, I'm very independent, and having someone who I feel like I must constantly look after really bothers me sometimes, and lately, it's been ALL the time. I feel like I'm waiting for him to grow up, but I don't know if he will. Now we got back together about 5 months ago, but I suppose I'm still harboring these feelings against him. It's really not even his fault, I'm not really mad AT him, just at the situation. Now, there is another man, who I dated briefly during my "break" and he was just wonderful. Very ambitious, very outgoing, we see eye to eye on so many things. We've kept in touch, but nothing romantic. We see each other every so often, and the last time we did, we slept together. We had slept together before, when I was still broken up with my boyfriend, but that was the end of it. I really like him, and it bothers me that i do. And while I feel very guilty, I don't regret it. However, I won't do it again. We've agreed to keep in touch, but just as friends. Also, I can't tell my boyfriend. I think we need to have a long talk about the future of our relationship, and whether or not we're really good for each other, or we're just hanging onto something comfortable. I guess I;'m just looking for a response from someone who knows what I'm going through. PS>....I love my guy to death, and he is my best friend, but in a relationship like we have, maybe that's not ehough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:47am
hello crabcake and welcome to the board.

honey, i just want to say one thing -- YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE TIED TO A GUY WHO IS OBVIOUSLY NOT ON YOUR LEVEL. and who can blame him, he's a 20 year old guy who probably has no idea where he wants to go in life, much less have a clue as to what to do with you when you want to "have the talk" about your future together. get ready to be totally disappointed!

crabcake, go out and live life! date, have fun, make straight As and reward yourself. concentrate on your career, travel, dance all night with your girlfriends!

don't clean up after this guy, emotionally and/or financially and/or physically. you are NOT his mother, you're his girlfriend, NOT his caretaker. you may very well love him, but how will you know he's "the one" if you have very little experience with other men.

explore ALL your options, don't limit yourself! it's your life -- you get to decide what to do with it!!

good luck,

gurl