new here, just need some support

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2008
new here, just need some support
14
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 1:30pm

hi everyone,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 2:18pm
The good news is this.

 

 

 

 

 

******************************************* “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:36pm
I think if they wanted to work it out then they BOTH would be going to therapy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 8:04pm

HI addicted2mya,


Thanks for the "hopeful" reply! I do agee that if he wanted to work it out they would both be going to therapy. However, I do think that once he moves out, he might change his tune about not wanting to be with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 10:24pm
Flygal...your situation is very similar to mine...thought I'd share it with you. My AP/MM and I started 6 months ago...he went back and forth between her and me 3 times, this last time being the 4th. He would go back for a few weeks at a time, then decide that no, that wasn't what he wanted, he loved me....said it was always the guilt that made him go back...she is very good at laying guilt trips on him. Last time he went back for 4 months, did marriage counseling, did everything she asked him to, she did things herself to change...says that things were "good and ok" for the first month, then he felt like things were back to the same old ways....we started seeing each other again and this time he knew in his heart he could leave with absoultely no guilt because he knew he had tried..he was in love with me, couldn't stand being without me, wanted us to start all over again in a place of our own...so, he rented an apartment, we moved in together and that lasted 3 days...he went back and had a talk with her to tell her the "truth", which was only HALF the truth and came back all bummed out from the things she had told him and the crying and pleading she did...so, back to the GUILT he claims he wouldn't feel...although he says it's not guilt, he just felt BAD...whatever....anyway, he is like your AP...he gets confused and when his back is against the wall, he doesn't want to have to make a decision when it means hurting someone. What he does is try and twist things around and piss people off and hopefully they will go away and he doesn't have to deal with them anymore. I know he kept hoping his wife would get pissed and kick him out and be the one to file for divorce, then that way she was the one who made the DECISION to end the marriage, but she wouldn't and never will....he's cheated on her several times over 22 years ( some I'm sure she doesn't know about) but I'm the only one he ever fell in love with and wanted to leave her for. He's tried several times to piss me off by twisting stupid crap around and trying to lay fault on me about something, like he did this last and final time. I've told him before that I can read him like a book...I knew damn well that by starting crap with me, he was trying to push me away hoping that I would get pissed and not come back, therefore, relieving him of having to make a choice between me and her, the decision would be made if one of us got pissed and left...well, this time he succeeded...I will leave for good...he made it quite clear that he is emotionally immmature and cannot be trusted....his wife can put up with him and his crap for another 22 years
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 11:23pm

hi Julz22,


I saw your post under a different subject and thought the same thing, that our situations were similiar.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 11:35pm

I forgot to add, I also got police involved one night. The last time I "tried" to break it off with him (July16th) he blew a gasket and we fought (kids werent home thank goodness) and he went down to my basement (that HE is remodeling for me) and smashed out some light fixtures down there. So I called police and they came and made him leave. I thought I would never hear frim him again, but lo and behold, 2 days later we were back together again. What really complicated things though, is my ex has 2 brothers who are cops in our city and they heard the call and told my ex about it so he freaked that I am involved with this "violent" man, threatened to get custody of kids, etc. so it turned into this huge ugly mess for awhile. The night I called police my mom came over to stay the night with me. Then I found out a few weeks later she called my ex the next day

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 11:50pm

Flygal -


First welcome to the board - I know you will find help and support here.


I guess in reading your story - a few things stick out for me.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2008
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 9:46am

I do agree that my AP behavior that night when I called police does raise some serious questions and red flags about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 12:08pm
Well, flygal, I would say over 2 years is a LONG time to wait for someone. I've only been in this for 6 months and I know I can't keep on this rollercoaster ride. He is the one who started all this by revealing his feelings for me and I told him before we even started that I did NOT do one night stands ( he had the reputation as a player/womanizer..which is a joke considering the man is NOT a stud in bed..ha) nor was I just into doing things like this just for fun so if he wanted to start something it had better be for real and serious. That's what he said he wanted....he said that all he had been looking for all these years was someone to really love and be in love with...he and her had had a child in high school and two years after graduating got married, against his better judgement, ended up divorcing after a year, then remarried again because they had been sleeping together and she got pregnant, although she lost it, he said they just stayed married because it was conveneint and comfortable and he said that's the way it's been the last 22 years....he did his thing, she let him not really caring as long as he brought home a paycheck, but then when I came along and he found someone he wanted to leave her for, she decided to step up and be the perfect wife....that lasted a few months and he was right back to the same feelings....the thing is, he does love her and cares for her, how could you not after being with someone for that long, but he's not IN love with her nor does he respect her or their marriage or he wouldn't do what he does to her...but there is that connection, that comfort zone...she takes care of everything for him..the bills, the shopping, the banking, dealing with any business they have....although they don't have a fancy house or vehicles, in fact, my assets are worth more and nicer than what he has, he does have quite a bit in his 401k that he would have to give her half, which he swore didn't matter because he needed to be happy and if having to give her that money meant being happy, it was worth it. Another concern I know he had was that she would walk away from everything...she had told him once before that she was going to leave the house and get an apartment so he was pretty sure she would not pay her share of bills...she sent him a text telling him that she would pay all the bills in her name and both their names first, then the ones in just his name she would pay last, IF she could...in other words, some things weren't going to get paid and that bothers him, I know, because having good credit is a big pet peeve of his....he does not want bad credit...so, I'm sure the last few days of being in that apartment and faced with having to get a second job in order to give her the share of money she needed to pay everything and have money for us to pay our bills ( I work too and was getting a second job also so he only had to pay half)...he's also used to having 400-500 in his back pocket in between checks and he had to sell one of his guns to have extra money after paying the rent on the apartment and I know that bothered him....so, when it comes down to it, apparently money and financial security mean more to him than my love. Although he's been swearing up and down the last two months that things would be okay, we would make it, he knew things would be tight for awhile, but we would make it, just as long as we had each other and could be together everyday, that's all that mattered....funny how things change in his mind so fast, huh? He never told his wife the whole truth either...he was going to tell her that he was IN love with me and didn't want them to be enemies, because he did still have a love for her and cared for her, but that he wanted to spend his life with me, well, he says he did tell her he loved me and says she told him she didn't believe that, but he did not tell her we were living together. He told his daughter that he rented an apartment and was going to be "alone" to think about things, but didnt say I was there with him. He says his wife knows that I was in the picture and we were seeing each other, but he didn't want her to know we were living together so it wouldn't upset his daughter in her condition right now and also because his wife hid a lot of his expensive personal belongings of his and he was trying to be "nice" so he could get them back.....all I know is I came clean with my husband about things and if he really loved me, he would've done the same...if he wanted the marriage over, why would it matter what she thought? His daughter is an adult and that's another thing I had a problem with....his wife always threw her and her granddaughter in his face to lay a guilt trip about...she thinks that he needs to be there for them also, even though his daughter is 25 and should be out on her own...right now she is going through rehab from her surgery and I understand he doesn't want to upset her, but before all this, he let her influence his feelings also.
I don't know, Flygal...I don't know how you've done it for all these years....I just know I can't go on doing this anymore. Keep in touch
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2008
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 12:47pm

boy I wish my AP was as willing as yours to "give up" some stuff just to be with me (half his 401K etc.) I KNOW in my heart he is having a really really tough time thinking about giving up all his "stuff" and "toys".

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