Welcome to Affair Land. The place where the mist makes everything romantic and the grass is always greener. The place where we live the fantasy life we have secretly desired for years even if our spouses are "wonderful and have done nothing wrong." In Affair Land we can safely fantasize and desire something different.
Torn, your situation is strikingly similar to so many around here. Seriously, read the archives way back to the beginning of MAS time. If you pick a poster and follow their story you will almost be able to predict the future.
Have you spent significant time in your "home" with your AP? A week, a month? Or has it just been a night here, or one there? I know you think that you have seen him in every situation you can imagine. I know you think you have seen every side of him, but until you are living with him, you won't possibly. Sure it might be worth finding out all those things, but you can't think you are cheating yourself here.
You say you can't leave your marriage. Honey it isn't about can't. It is about won't. Can't means you are unable to do it. You are physically incapacitated by some malady. Won't means you don't want to leave. You don't want to give it up. Won't is perfectly acceptable but should not be confused with can't. You aren't the only one in this situation, and I am not bashing you or trying to be harsh. Just trying to tell you realistically what it is.
What expectations does your AP have? When I was in my first A, I admit that I strung my AP along, giving him the idea that I would leave my Marriage for him meanwhile never planning to actually do it. I was a cake eater. In the worst sense. I wanted to maintain the best of both of my worlds. I didn't get it. And I ended up hurting myself and my AP terribly. My second A ended in discovery and that was truly the end of all fantasies. Have you thought about what discovery would be like and are you truly prepared for it should it happen?
I know you are in very deep. You have feelings and emotions involved in this. Just be careful. You will get lots of support here...but only you can take care of you.
I can't add much to what Shadowz said--you rock, Shadowz, so right on--but I wanted to address the "feelings" part.
I stayed in my M way too long because I was afraid of being the bad guy and hurting my H. He even told me he wouldn't survive if our M did not last, and that was another big boulder to move. What I came to see eventually, with help from this board, was that I was doing my H no favor. Would you want your spouse to stay with you only because he didn't want to hurt you? It is much kinder to let go of someone you don't love anymore. Yes, it takes incredible courage to tell someone the truth. Most of us do not have that courage. It means accusations and anger and pain. It means guilt. But in the end it frees the other person to go find the happiness they deserve.
I would caution you though not to leave the M just for another person. You need to leave because in the end, you would prefer to be alone rather than be married to your H. If you just go from one person to another and do not take the time to figure out who you are, what you need, then the cycle will just repeat. Not always, not for everyone. But it has to be for YOU.
Yes, I highly suspect my dh knows way more than I give him credit for and he tells me all the time that he can't live without me and I am his life and his world.
torn-i had to reply b/c you put into words EXACTLY what how I feel too. Except my kids are much younger (4 and 2). I have been married almost 12 years. My H found out about the talking on the phone (which is all it is at this point) and was very hurt. I don't want to hurt him, he is a great guy, a great father. but i miss the excitement. my ex that I am talking to has issues I am sure. but we had a chemistry like no other. of course, we were only teens when we were together, but I still feel the pull to him. It sucks to be in this situation. I haven't talked to him since last week, and honestly, that is helping me to not think about him. the guilt subsides. but I want to talk to him, badly. I want to see him. thankfully he lives 10 hours from me, so, so far, I have not seen him. I just wanted to tell you, I totally relate to your feelings. My ex says he will leave his wife, I say the same as you "I CAN'T." he says, "you WON'T" which is true. he understands. I just hate being so torn......like you.....
oh yes, the chemistry is so wonderful. I have now not talked to my ex in almost a week. It helps me not think about him, but I do want to hear from him. He is suppossed to call today, we'll see.
a great book to read is by Emily Giffin-"Love the One You're with..." I am halfway through and it is SO perfectly my situation. YOu might want to check it out! I of course hide the book from my H. lol. that is silly I know.....
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Welcome to Affair Land. The place where the mist makes everything romantic and the grass is always greener. The place where we live the fantasy life we have secretly desired for years even if our spouses are "wonderful and have done nothing wrong." In Affair Land we can safely fantasize and desire something different.
Torn, your situation is strikingly similar to so many around here. Seriously, read the archives way back to the beginning of MAS time. If you pick a poster and follow their story you will almost be able to predict the future.
Have you spent significant time in your "home" with your AP? A week, a month? Or has it just been a night here, or one there? I know you think that you have seen him in every situation you can imagine. I know you think you have seen every side of him, but until you are living with him, you won't possibly. Sure it might be worth finding out all those things, but you can't think you are cheating yourself here.
You say you can't leave your marriage. Honey it isn't about can't. It is about won't. Can't means you are unable to do it. You are physically incapacitated by some malady. Won't means you don't want to leave. You don't want to give it up. Won't is perfectly acceptable but should not be confused with can't. You aren't the only one in this situation, and I am not bashing you or trying to be harsh. Just trying to tell you realistically what it is.
What expectations does your AP have? When I was in my first A, I admit that I strung my AP along, giving him the idea that I would leave my Marriage for him meanwhile never planning to actually do it. I was a cake eater. In the worst sense. I wanted to maintain the best of both of my worlds. I didn't get it. And I ended up hurting myself and my AP terribly. My second A ended in discovery and that was truly the end of all fantasies. Have you thought about what discovery would be like and are you truly prepared for it should it happen?
I know you are in very deep. You have feelings and emotions involved in this. Just be careful. You will get lots of support here...but only you can take care of you.
I can't add much to what Shadowz said--you rock, Shadowz, so right on--but I wanted to address the "feelings" part.
I stayed in my M way too long because I was afraid of being the bad guy and hurting my H. He even told me he wouldn't survive if our M did not last, and that was another big boulder to move. What I came to see eventually, with help from this board, was that I was doing my H no favor. Would you want your spouse to stay with you only because he didn't want to hurt you? It is much kinder to let go of someone you don't love anymore. Yes, it takes incredible courage to tell someone the truth. Most of us do not have that courage. It means accusations and anger and pain. It means guilt. But in the end it frees the other person to go find the happiness they deserve.
I would caution you though not to leave the M just for another person. You need to leave because in the end, you would prefer to be alone rather than be married to your H. If you just go from one person to another and do not take the time to figure out who you are, what you need, then the cycle will just repeat. Not always, not for everyone. But it has to be for YOU.
I did not end
Hi shadowz...
Yes, I highly suspect my dh knows way more than I give him credit for and he tells me all the time that he can't live without me and I am his life and his world.
Back in my A I tried breaking it off and moving past it.
thanks btrue,
I guess thats the part that I have to come to terms with. I am worth being happy.
torn-i had to reply b/c you put into words EXACTLY what how I feel too. Except my kids are much younger (4 and 2). I have been married almost 12 years. My H found out about the talking on the phone (which is all it is at this point) and was very hurt. I don't want to hurt him, he is a great guy, a great father. but i miss the excitement. my ex that I am talking to has issues I am sure. but we had a chemistry like no other. of course, we were only teens when we were together, but I still feel the pull to him. It sucks to be in this situation. I haven't talked to him since last week, and honestly, that is helping me to not think about him. the guilt subsides. but I want to talk to him, badly. I want to see him. thankfully he lives 10 hours from me, so, so far, I have not seen him. I just wanted to tell you, I totally relate to your feelings. My ex says he will leave his wife, I say the same as you "I CAN'T." he says, "you WON'T" which is true. he understands. I just hate being so torn......like you.....
hi confused,
I'm so happy to have found people who can relate to me and I to them.
oh yes, the chemistry is so wonderful. I have now not talked to my ex in almost a week. It helps me not think about him, but I do want to hear from him. He is suppossed to call today, we'll see.
a great book to read is by Emily Giffin-"Love the One You're with..." I am halfway through and it is SO perfectly my situation. YOu might want to check it out! I of course hide the book from my H. lol. that is silly I know.....
Pages