New here-my 1st time post
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| Wed, 04-22-2009 - 11:11pm |
I am a first time poster on this board. This may be long, so thanks for reading. I posted a while back in "should I stay or should I go" & feel that place and this place are both applicable to my situation.
I am M (17yrs together), my AP is a MM & we've been having our A since late August '08. We work together & have always felt a connection to each other. We are good friends & care for each other a lot, but neither of us want to leave our spouse & agreed to keep things physical because neither of us want to leave our M. We're having fun w/each other, it's like a drug, I am so addicted to the time with him, which is typical from what I am reading here. I think about him all the time & am having so much fun. I'm not going to delude myself and think I'm in love, because I know it's not love, it's lust. We are pretty sure we're keeping it under wraps at work. My sister had an A w/her BIL years ago and she knows, but nobody else does.
DH is a good guy, and we're best friends, but there are so many things about him that drive me up the wall. Details I am sure you don't want to hear. One minute I hate him with a passion, the next I love him. I think I love him but am not "in love" with him. What's funny is that sex with DH is awesome & better than with AP. Sometimes I will sleep w/DH on the same day I am w/AP. I always wonder if DH can tell, especially since AP is "bigger". So why do I continue with the A? Who knows. I think he represents everything that DH doesn't give me right now. I don't feel guilt believe it or not. These feelings towards DH have been here for years, maybe I'm just having an A to sabotage things, who knows. I think I secretly want DH to find out so our M will end because I'm too weak to end it.
The day 'it' began w/my AP. Earlier that week, AP (pre- A) and I went to lunch. He had an idea to use my frequent buyer card so I could get a free lunch quicker. He ended up getting the free lunch & felt so bad (look on his face was priceless!). The next day I told him I was having naughty thoughts about a coworker (didn't say who or hint at who it was), but that I was M, the guy was M & it wasn't something that would be possible. This peaked his curiosity. We ended up going to lunch the next day so he could pay me back the lunch he owed me from two days before. We went to the same place for lunch & I made sure to strategically position my shirt so he could get a good eye shot, while I flirted with him shamelessly. He's so my type. He's 6'3' w/blue eyes and dark hair, a hard combo to resist. Anyway, as we were leaving the restaurant, I noticed he had a big wet spot on the front of his pants. That turned me on. He asked if we could make a pit stop before we went back to work, & I agreed. His empty rental property was less than 1/4 mile from our lunch spot & he had to "check on something" at the house. He asked if I wanted to come in while he did his thing & I agreed. We ended up talking in the laundry room, he asked if my secret crush was him, I said yes & he said the feeling was mutual. The first kiss was the best; so many hormones flowing! He grabbed my face, walked me backwards until I bumped into the cabinet behind me... and I'll leave the rest to your imagination. For the first month, we met 2-3 times a week (or 2x a day), then he rented out that house. Shortly after that 1st month, DH went out of town w/the kids & left me home alone. AP came over twice in a day and it was incredible. Someone moved out of another one of his rental properties, & we met there once a week until he rented it out recentl. Now we meet about once a month at a hotel, and I can't stop. I don't want to stop. I'm surprised at how well I can lie to DH. I have a fantasy for AP to be with me in my hot tub. I want that to happen badly! I text AP while at work to keep our A under the radar & do not call or text after work. Neither of us want our H or W to find out.
He's so different than DH, in good and bad ways. Real mellow, DH is not mellow. But that passion DH has translates into hot sex. Who knows what I'll do in the future, I just know I can't stop right now, I'm having too much fun.
Crazy in lust
Edited 4/22/2009 11:16 pm ET by unhappynuncertain

Wow, sounds like you are having much fun........I'm envious because that is what I want with my XAP, but he kept throwing feelings into the mix how things will only get real complicated if we go all the way (which we have not) and that he has been here once before and it go ugly and I will end up hating him and he does not want that, so he was taking the fun out of it which sucked.
We have ended it and started back up again several times, and now it's over I guess, I don't want it to be though- I just want to have fun with him - I so relate to everything you said here, WOW, to a T, all you said about DH, I get it all, way too well.
I can only hope my xAP and I can get back to this place.
I feel better knowing others feel the way I do! I actually don't consider what i am doing an A yet. We talk, but it's emotionally so intense and I feel so connected to this man (he was my first everything). Over the years I have always thought about him. I want to see him and make it physical, but deep down I then feel guilt when I look at my husband and kids. it makes it so difficult. I feel like I am trying to fill a void too.
I read some familiar elements in your post & understand completely where you're coming from. So many similar things --and so many different too.
I guess I'll relate my story under your thread because my title could read the same way :New here-1st post.
I am also married-to a man I would consider a great friend-for 8 yrs./2nd marriage/1 20 yr old child. from 1st brief marriage. I love him-not "In love" with him, & in order to be with a man I could actually LIVE with on a day in-day out basis, I sacrificed good sex.
I had several brief A's, 1 broke my heart within the realm of A-land, with men I met online. Then I met HIM-also online-also late August '08. Something was VERY different from the start. He is also married, also has adult child from previous marriage. We both went looking for a PA. What we now have with each other is a PA/EA & a strong one at that!
Like you, I see this man as
Sorry for the late reply - but I wanted to let you all know that I am so thankful for all of your replies.
AP and I are being as careful as we can, are paranoid about being caught, & are very cognizant of the possibility of our own D-Day as well. I hope that day never comes for us, but other times, I wish it would (on days that I don't want to be w/H anymore).
I agree w/your post goddess, lust can easily grow into something more. AP is a good friend via work, & we already care for each other on those terms as well. I've been trying to control/prevent my feelings from growing for him, although I am sure I haven't succeeded as much as I wish. I wish I could be a robot and turn feelings off, but overall I think I've been good about stopping myself from getting too emotionally involved. However, I've noticed that AP has been a lot more attentive & sweet towards me lately; it's a little harder when he acts that way. He's not an emotional type, which has helped keep my feelings from growing for him. He has been a great support for me through the difficulties of my M (now & pre-A). I've been going through tough times in my M for a while & he's been a great help for me, he validates my feelings etc.. After I wrote all of this, I think I am more emotionally attached than I thought! That could be good or bad. I don't think it's a good thing!! Being M complicates life in so many ways (combined assets, liabilities), if H and I ever divorce, I don't think I want to marry again for that reason alone. Living with someone would probably be best.
I have never done anything like this and can't believe I have gone this far either. I thought it was completely out of my character to even consider doing something like this, & look at me doing this and liking it! Oh well, I guess we learn a lot about ourselves as we grow older. I'll have to learn to deal with this new aspect of my personality.
Thanks for reading again, I didn't anticipate it'd be so long!
unhappy n uncertain