new here, need advice, or experiences

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
new here, need advice, or experiences
4
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 9:54pm

Hi All,


I have been lurking on this board for several months, I have been having an affair for 9 months with a MM, I am recently divorced( since the affair, but not due to him) We care a lot about each other( or at least I think he does also) we text several times a day and see each other weekly or every other week, in October, his wife found one of his text's to me and he went worked on saving his marriage for two months, I was totally heartbroken during this time, but managed to go on thru life.


On Dec 26th he contacted me and we started talking and seeing each other again, I know that he cares about me, but now if I don't hear from him as frequently as I am used

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 1:47am

We dont' talk about a future, but he knows that is what I would want, however, he has fairly young kids and wants to be there for them, I know he cares about me, even if he disappears again, I know he cares, I won't wait for him, but feel guilty if I think about moving on with my life. HE is who I want to be with, but realistically I know that isn't likely to happen.


You answered yourself:


1. you don't talk about a future (because you both know this is not a viable option)


2. he wants to be around for his young children (he wants to be with his wife, if you are honestly THAT unhappy or miserable in a marriage, you leave. Plain and simple. 'Tis better for children to come from a broken home than to come from a miserable, loveless home...what are you teaching your kids by staying?)


3. they ALWAYS care about us; we make them feel good about themselves. We aren't their dowdy wives that complain about bills, diapers, and dishes...we are the fun time girls!


4. Why do you feel guilty for moving on with YOUR life, when he is doing what he needs to do for his life? The life he made with and for his family?


I have been in an A for going on 5 yrs with the same MM. I, too, am married. It has been EA since we met, and a strong, strong PA for the past 2 yrs. Yes, we have talked about leaving spouses, we have been caught...we have agreed we need to stop. AH! But here we are, still...for some reason, one or both of us are afraid to shiznit or get off the pot. I have learned ALOT about myself the past 2 years, and ALOT about the nature of the affair beast. I know what AP is to me and I know what I am to AP.


I wish you the best in this, and hope you bury the unnecessary guilt about being a woman who knows what she DESERVES and is taking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 8:17am
I'll ditto what gal wrote to you. Why would you feel guilty about moving on with your life. This man has an entire life which doesn't include you. Why box yourself into a hole for a man who is already committed to someone else? Why would you do that to yourself? You are single.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 9:44am

Dawns, i do understand where you are at right now. It is the feeling that everything you dreamed in the million in one chance you would end up together is gone if you close that door. While you are still single and although not pining away, you not being open to meet anyone allows the slimmest chance that IF MM seperates, he knows straight where to run. I am there and it reeks.

I was given the advice by a dear friend (and only one i confide in RL to) that i CAN move on with my life without forgetting him. AP is not sitting alone and hermit like. He is with his W and DC OF HIS OWN CHOOSING. Good, bad or ugly, that is reality. He is there because he WANTS to be. You can still go out and have fun, meet people and continue living. If you meet a nice guy then have fun. If AP breaks up with W then you can choose to be with him or you may have even lost the need to be with him. Then it will be YOUR choice. Do not view every future guy as a potential H, just live for the now as i assure you that your (and my) AP are doing just that.

Please dont stay stagnant, afraid that you living a full life will make AP think you dont care. I think that if he was that upset about you meeting someone else, he will be bolting to get you back. We are not getting any younger and you need to make the best of what you have and are able to be now. Do not look back with regret over those dozen men you passed over while AP was having Xmas with the family or vacation time with his family.

Remember YOU are the single one. YOU are not cheating on anyone. YOU are the one in control of your own life. Choose to live it as best you can.

I wish you all the best.

SB.

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 9:24pm

Thanks everyone!


What an emotional rollercoaster this is!