New here - Need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
New here - Need support
5
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:19pm
Hello! I am new here, and I am so glad that I found this board. I am 29 years old, and have been married for 2 years. My husband is a wonderful man who I love very much, but he is never home. He works 60-70 hours a week, and works additional hours helping at his father's business. I feel like I am alone most of the time, and have been very depressed about this lately. I have discussed this with my DH, but he only tells me that he has to work, that his father needs his help, etc. I feel like this issue is consuming my marriage, and I do not know what will happen there, but my current situation is with a man that I met several weeks ago.

My situation, to sum it up, is that I began talking to a man (engaged, not married) that I met through a friend. We talked in person at a party, then on the phone and online. I felt an immediate connection with him, both physically and intellectually. We have a lot in common and have very similar sense of humor. Immediately after meeting him I felt like I had known him forever, he said the same of me. We hit it off well, just talking and laughing. We exchanged cell phone #'s and e-mail addresses and he wrote me an e-mail that very night. The e-mails continued, along with a few phone calls. It was very obvious that we were attracted to each other, and that this was possibly headed for something physical. We discovered that we had so much in common, and even finished each other's sentences a few times. It was a very strange feeling.

One night after a get-together at a local bar, he drove me home, and we kissed. It was a long, passionate kiss that made me feel things I hadn't felt in a long time. After thinking about what happened, I felt guilty, and called him to tell him that this couldn't happen again. He kept saying that he had never felt that kind of attraction before, and that he wanted to know what was going on between us. He wanted to see me again, but I wasn't sure what I wanted.

Over the next week or so, we talked a few more times on the phone, and through e-mail, and a strong attraction was still obviously there. We agreed to meet for lunch today to talk about what was going on. I went to his apartment, and we ended up kissing again. This time, he stopped the kiss, telling me that he couldn't do this, that he loved his fiancee' too much, that she was his "soul mate", etc. We talked for a long time about what was going on. Basically, we agreed that if we slept together it wouldn't be a one-time thing, it would probably turn into an affair with feelings and emotions involved, and that we would be looking for time to be together outside of e-mails/phone calls.

Throughout the conversation, he kept telling me how much he "cared" about me, that I was "special" and unlike anyone else he had ever met, and how attracted he was to me. He repeatedly told me how it was so hard not to take it futher, and how if he could just have "a fling" he would, but that he didn't want to become emotionally involved. He hinted that maybe in the future something would happen, but that right now he just couldn't go through with it because of feelings of guilt. He even went so far as to say if he ever made a pass at me in the future he would expect me to stop him before it went to far. I am so confused.

At first I thought I wouldn't be hurt, but I am devastated. I feel rejected and hurt. Our e-mails were very suggestive, mostly initiated by him, and I feel like he led me on to a certain extent. Tonight we will be at a party together, and I know it will be awkward. I do not know what to do, if I should continue to pursue this or just let it go and move on.

He insists that he wants to continue to be friends, and "hang out", just the two of us. He also wants to go out to bars together for a drink from time to time. I am upset that I felt a connection with this guy that was supposedly mutual and now he turned everything upside down on me.

I don't know what I expected of this, and I wouldn't want him to leave his fiancee for me, but I am still hurt. He kept saying how if we had met a few years ago we would probably be a couple right now, and that he suspects we might have even gotten married. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach.

Can anyone offer suggestions, words of advice, support, etc.? I have never been in this situation before and I feel like my world is crashing down.

Thanks to anyone who replies.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 7:21pm
I think you will have to be patient with this new relationship and see where it leads. If you both decide that you want the same from the relationship, it could work out. This is in the early stages of an affair and it is difficult for you to see where it will lead. Enjoy your new relationship with him and don't rush things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 7:31pm
Thanks girlfromatl for your response. Yes, I guess I am a little impatient right now. This would be my first A, although I have been approached by other men, up until now, I never even considered it. I was happily married to my DH until a few months ago when I started to feel alienated from him.

It will be hard, but I will have to be patient. What if he calls/e-mails? Should I respond? I am scared of getting hurt. His mixed signals are so confusing to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 7:43pm
Hi Circe, here are my quick thoughts. Based on all he said to you at the apartment, I'd be led to believe that he won't send you any more suggestive emails or calls that are any more than on-the-surface friendship type of calls. Isn't that what he basically said he wanted from you? Well, with that said, I'm SURE he'll not be able to keep away from you if his feelings are genuine, and I'm thinking the ball will be back in your court very soon in regards to how you want to continue this relationship.

I don't want you to hurt, but I really am interested to see what his next "move" is with you. Be careful, and please let us know what happens! Blushing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:34am
***Update*** - Went to party last night and met OM's fiancee. She was not what I expected at all. Frankly, I was a bit relieved (does this sound horrible?) because she was short, overweight, and not very attractive. Her personality was OK, but I found her a bit standoffish. Anyway, OM stared at me the whole night. I went out to the garage to get a beer from the cooler out there, OM followed me. He tried to touch my back, then when someone else came out, he pulled away. We were leaving and he was in front of me, he grabbed my hand. Then when I was sitting on the couch, he sat on the floor near me and rested his arm against my leg.

None of this was perceivable to anyone who was there. In fact, the host of the party forgot that I had met OM before and went to introduce us.

The kicker is that this morning I went to my e-mail and there were 2 e-mails from OM, one just saying that he had a good time at the party, it was nice that the girls got to hang out (the girls are all the wives of the men who are friends plus me) and how funny it was that the host thought we hadn't met.

I am even more confused than I was yesterday, but I feel a bit better about things now. He asked when we could "get together for drinks", but I haven't responded. I really don't know what is going through his head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 12:42pm
Hi Circe,

He probably doesn't know whats going on in his head either. Think about it. Here he was, going through life, content with his eventual marriage to his fiance....and you show up and throw his whole world into a spin. Like you, he is probably feeling things he never expected to feel and doesn't quite know how to comprehend those feelings yet. Take it from me (and probably many others on this board, as well), don't overthink things....it will only drive you crazy. Just take things slow and enjoy all these new feelings and experiences.

Welcome to the rollercoaster.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika