New Here - Not sure if my Marriage is

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2001
New Here - Not sure if my Marriage is
5
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 10:45am

worth it anymore.

Hi - I'll be married 9 years this year. Each year seems to get worse ... My Dh is lazy. I am one who likes to get things done and be able to enjoy my day/life. HE sits on the lap top all day ... getting him to help with the kids and house is awful.

Before marriage he was not like this at all. My Mother-in-law tried to tell me ... but of course I was deaf.

SO the cycle is ---> I do it all ... things build ... I ask him to help ... nothing ... I blow up and am hurt ... he helps out for about 2 weeks ... restart cycle.

I have tried chore lists, which makes him pissed off and then he really doesn't help. I've tried telling and asking. He says he will do it ... never completes it.

I've gone on strike and just did for the kids and me ... no effect.

I've gotten to the point where I am very closed off from him. I don't even want to be in the same room with him anymore. He is so clueless. I've talked it to death.

We have two kids (7 & 4) We do a ton of family related things and that is terrific. But me and him ... not so terrific. We do things together, but I don't even want to be there anymore. I love him, but my heart is so hurt by him for this.

I know so many people go through affairs ... and have it much worse. But I want MY marriage back ..

Help?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 10:56am
I remember going through all the same stuff. It doesnt get any easier either. So much resentment builds up to the point that it drives you crazy. There really is a thin line between love and hate. My suggestion is couples counseling. Have you discussed that, is it a possibility? I really hope it works out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 12:18pm

I don't recommend the A route at all. Is there someone now you are actually considering taking this step with? I would really evaluate your M before further muddying the waters with another man. Trust me, it will not make your marital problems any better. Read through the archives here and you will see what I mean.

If you are uncertain and may want to stay in your M, may I suggest either marriage counseling for the objective sounding board a counselor could provide. Also, there are a lot of message boards here in the Love channel which may help give you some perspective as well. Just off the top of my head I would suggest the should I stay or should I go board.

Just remember, you said you love your H and you want your M back. If that is really the case, then it will take work from both of you (and from the sound of it MORE from you up front).

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2001
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 1:02pm
I have absolutely NO interest in another man or dating again. ever. I waited until I was 30 to marry the first time. I just have no interest in going through dating or even love again.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 2:04pm

Hi there.....

First off, I want to ask if you intended to post on this particular message board. This is a board supporting affairs, and from what you said, you're not in one nor wish to be, so I suspect you either weren't aware of that, or didn't know where else to post. There are other boards that are where you probably need to be.

That being said, I understand completely where you're at with this. My x was the same. In every area. I just could not get him to do anything about anything....household maintenance, sex, anything. I DID have an affair, which I now regret. What I really wish I had done, which I suggest you consider, is leave him. Really take a stand. Pack my bags, move out. Maybe that would have opened his eyes. Instead I looked to someone else to make me feel better, which did at first, but eventually only helped ruin the marriage completely. You cannot keep going on in something that is making you so very unhappy. Eventually, something WILL happen, whether you ever thought it possible or not. I loved my husband and never thought I would be unfaithful (even though he had been). I was wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2001
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 3:42pm
I guess I misunderstood the board. Thanks.
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