New here not sure what to think

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
New here not sure what to think
6
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:42pm
Ok...i feel really weird about being on this board...especially since i have spent many of the last months on the other end of the affair...anyhow...i think i am starting to have one myself though...and not sure what to do or who to talk about it to...my husband and i have been married for 7 years...most of them unhappy...last year HE had an affair with a coworker...we seperated...but since then got back together...or marriage has never been great...and some days im not sure why i went back...but i did...he has had internet affairs and long distance relationships with severl women...but last year was the first it got physicial...and close to home...

I hated him for it...still do most times...but now i find myself kinda understanding why...

There is this guy that i work with...he is kind...understanding...funny...we talk for hours...and really enjoy eachothers company...pretty much everything i DONT have at home...we have not been intimate in any way...not even a kiss...but i find the need or should i say...want...growing every day...I never thought i would find myself in this position...especially not after what this year brought me...but yet here i am...the thing is...he wants to see me tonight...we have gone out several times with eachother...after work...and just to hang out...bars or whatever...but tonight he wants me to come over to his house...bars are one thing...but alone in a room...is another...i really want to see him...but am not sure of what would happen...but what bothers me most...is i dont really care what happends...he makes me feel wanted...he tells me im pretty...talks to me...and makes me feel like there is another person on this earth who might actually want me...and im not stuck with my husband...i know this doesnt make much sence hell it doesnt to me either...i am just kinda confused and not sure what im looking for right now...uhg...maybe someone can help me(if thats possible)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:20pm
I wish I could tell you that things will get better. However, in my experience, I have found that entering that affair has cause me heartache and joy. There's no easy answer and no quick fix. You need to follow your heart but only after really searching your soul. By this I mean you need to be sure that you can handle the guilt and mix of emotions that come with an affair.

I think most of us enter affairs because of something lacking in the relationship with our spouses but that doesn't make our spouse a bad person (except maybe in your case). I know I love my husband but I love the OM also. When we got involved we were both married and now he and his W have split and I have to deal with the fact that he's dating. It's a very emotionally draining experience. So think carefully about your decision and make the right one for yourself based on your needs. Then leave your cheating husband and give yourself a chance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:31pm
When I told my mother that I was involved with another man, she was aware of the weakened state of my marriage. I made a comment similar to the one you made "I just don't really care."

My mother in her infinite wisdom said "You can correct anything in a relationship except for indifference. When you become indifferent to a situation there is no going back."

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:44pm
Wow, that is so true. If you are already indifferent to the situation why are you still there? I think you should just leave your H if that is the way you feel and then maybe pursue something with the OM. Make sure you take some time for yourself though. When I cheated on my H with MM I felt no guilt. Basically, I was indifferent. I didn't even care because I knew that our M was never going to work. At that point, I knew it was time to leave because there was no point in continuing to be miserable in my M and have an A, it wouldn't have been fair to my H (who although an a$$, was always faithful to me). If you really don't care than maybe you have come to terms with yourself that your M is worth it. Really think about it before you make any decisions and good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:09pm
Your mother is a wise woman. I too have been down that path of indifference. My counselor asked me whether it would upset me if my W were to find someone else after we split up. My response was that I hope she does because I want her to be happy. That said a lot about my M. Many of you here know I am moving out in a month and a half. It is scary and sad, but it is the right thing in my instance. If I would have been stronger, I would have left my M before starting an A. I would advise you to think about this as well. Clearly there are serious problems in your M and I think you should resolve those before getting involved with the OM. Just my 2 cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:25am
Your situation sounds so much like mine. I too am just embarking on an affair, despite being married 12 years and having 4 kids. I have now slept with this OM twice (we've been friends for ages, but things only started warming up this week). I've felt no guilt about what I have done and know it will happen again. Maybe this is because I have become indifferent to my marriage? I don't dislike my H, I still love him in a way, but our marriage is not good, and hasn't been for a while. I don't know what is going to happen to my life now, I'm just taking each day as it comes. I don't want to leave my H, but know if he ever finds out our marriage will be over. However, the way this OM makes me feel, both sexually and as a person mean I am willing to take the risk. I wish you luck with your decision, and hope you find the happiness you deserve, whatever you choose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:43pm
Well i ended up going out with him on thursday night...and i have to say...it was one of the best nights i have had in YEARS...we went out to the bar with a few of my friends...had some drinks...he even danced with me...my H and i havent danced since the day we got married...almost 8 years now...and he refuses to...we talked...laughed and just had a good time...it was wonderfull...we did end up at his house...and i wont lie and say i was drunk or whatever...cause i knew what i was doing...but we ended up together...i guess what really bothers me right now...is that i dont feel guitly about it...i think i should...or maybe after all i have been through...i just dont feel anymore...all i know is i enjoyed it...it was close..it was intimate...things i havent felt in a long time...even with a man who im supposed to love...i dont know where things will go...and im not sure i care right now...time will tell