New here, please help me sort my head
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New here, please help me sort my head
| Sun, 01-11-2004 - 7:35pm |
Hi everyone, I am in desperate need of your thoughts. I have been with my bf for 6 years, and we have recently become engaged. Well, it wasn't even a month later when someone new came into my life, and now I feel turned completely inside out. I tried to resist, but I just couldn't...and next thing you know, I am completely smitten with this guy. I want to spend every spare moment with him. I can't stop thinking about him. I practically feel intoxicated with the intensity of my emotions, like I am going to explode. Maybe it's because this guy (I will call him "G") is so unavailable. Like me, he is a perpetual cheater. It's also obvious that he lives by his own rules and that's it. Our relationship is strange -- when we first hooked up (this was only about a week ago), I was afraid that it would be just that once...but since then we've been practically inseperable. We have talked every day since, and usually see each other as well. But since we have so much in common, he genuinely seems to really like me as a person...i.e. us seeing each other isn't just about sex. He talks about us in future tense all the time, talks about all this casual stuff he wants us to do together...like he plans for us to be hanging like this together for some time. I mean I can't really know that for sure...he could just be talking that way b/c he's very spontaneous like that...He's just one of those types of people that come into your life like a hurricane, decides he wants to be friends with you and proceeds to make sure it happens...you know? But anyway, back to the point -- I am going nuts over him and naturally I think it would be a bad idea for him to realize that. I just want to gain control over my emotions again! I've had affairs before, and this never used to happen. I'm trying to think of things I can do so I can stop feeling so vulnerable. I'm hoping maybe one of these days he'll do something that will really turn me off..or maybe I'll get tired of him, but I know that will take longer. For some bizarre reason, though, I have this immeasurable desire to make him feel the same way for me...it's ridiculous, because I know we could never have something (well, something successful anyway). Even if I didn't have a fiance, I know G would eventually start messing around with someone else, and I probably would as well. Plus his life's a mess, and well...you just know the difference between someone who'd good for you and someone who's not. Anyway, I'm just trying to figure out how to act now. There's no way on earth I'm gong to tell him how I feel...I think thus far I've successfully given him the impression that I can do things like this without my emotions getting mixed up in the process (which I figured he'd find appealing, since he seems to be the same way). I'm just afraid that the way I'm going, he's going to realize that I am helplessly nuts over him and I'll look like an idiot. Then again, I've made some comments that he has responded to positively, to my surprise...that's probably why I am so mixed up...it is impossible to tell what he's thinking, how he's feeling...Serioualy tho, right now at this moment, it feels like the easiest way for me to stop going crazy like this is to start jerking his emotions around a little...like stop being so available to him all the time, stop calling him every day, stop bendingo ver backwards giving him every little thing he wants...in a weird way I'd like to see him fall for me, probably because it seems to be an impossible challenge. I have to wonder if he thinks the very same thing about me...It makes no sense, but that's just how things are right now...I feel completely lost...I just want to go back to the days again where I could do this carefree...
