New here. So glad I found you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
New here. So glad I found you
10
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:10pm
I have been married to my dh for 15 years. We have been together for over 20 years and both entirely monogamous. I, recently, started having an affair with another man. The problem that is so complicated is that it is with my best friend's dh. And he is my dh's best friend.

I have known that he was sexually attracted to me for several years now. And as the four of us have become closer he has made a few little moves on me. I have never returned his actions until about 2 months ago. I finally admitted to myself that I was feeling the same way towards him. I sent him an email at his work that I wanted to meet with him and talk. He came over and I admitted my feelings of attraction to him. I only got the courage to do this because I trust him so much. I secretly wanted him to tell me that nothing would ever happen, that we would both work hard to make sure it didn't. We wouldn't want to risk our friendships and our marriages. We ended up emailing each other frequently to be discreet and talk about this whole thing. After about 2 weeks we decided after working out all of the details, that we would sleep together. We did, and we both had a hard time physically at first, but in the end, it was great. He said he had a hard time because I had been his fantasy for 5 years and he couldn't "believe" it was becoming reality.

We have both talked about not wanting to end our marriages and being very discreet to protect them. We are both still in love with our spouses. But, we both feel this strong need to be with each other. We "love" each other, but are not "in love" with each other.

We still do things as a group almost every weekend, have barbecues, go out. I do get a little jealous when he and his dw get amorous, but she is his wife. I am amazed at how "normal" I can be with my dh and my best friend (his dw), as they have "no clue" that this is going on. He and I get together for sex and "alone" time about 1-2 times a week

So, has anyone else had this sort of experience? Are we heading toward disaster? We have both agreed that if one of us wants to quit this, the other would give no pressure and just accept that. But, in the mean time we are feeling like we are on a real adventure.

Gigi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:22pm
gigi -- hi and welcome to the board. again (and i just posted this same disclaimer to another first-timer), your post got pushed down the board and i just discovered it. sorry about that!

there are several posters on this board in your same situation, having an A with H of a social friend. i'm bumping your post up and hopefully you'll get some responses from them.

i can only say to be very careful, don't get lovey-dovey when you are out with others, your H/his W, act normally, but hands off. no lingering looks, winks, sneaky kisses, butt pats, that kind of stuff. unfortunately that's easier said than done. so just be very careful and act as normally as possible.

good luck,

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:37pm
HI, I am in the EXACT same situation as you are. I am finding it very easy when we are all out to be "normal". and the alone times are even better, because of everything that is built up.

Life told me to be very careful, and I have taken her words to heart. I wouldn't want to ruin the friendships we have had with each other for the past 15 years, but the 2 of us can't resist each other. It happens, and you can't deny that.

All I can say is have fun, and be careful....

friend
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:57pm
Same here! This is all new to me, though....it all started at the end of February and he is my best friend's husband. He is somewhat of a friend of DH in that they email one another, but MM and my best friend live 2.5 hours away , so it's not like we see each other that often.

Anyway, welcome and we're here to listen whenever you need it!!

KC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:10pm
I can only tell you that when I was married I found out that my husband had tried to go to bed with my best friend. She didn't or at least she said she didn't. He was the one that confessed it! All I can tell you is that I no longer talk to her or see her. She never told me. I feel she ruined the friendship by not telling me. she always defended him and She even knew how he was abusive to me! I don't know what your hubby will do if he finds out. I think they would deffinately not be friends anymore. Unless he is a swinger too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:17pm
HI

I am really a lurker and I have posted a few times but I am just watching my P's and Q's

I can not relate to you totally but I am involve w/ someone who is also married and has kids as I do ... been married as long as you & but my A has been going on for 2 yrs and no one is leaving their spouses....and we dont "travel" in the same circles , I give you much credit for that ... but I know how you feel and I am here listening and know you delimma to a point just want you to know ... your not alone ....& I am here if you need to talk

MGT

edited for typo's

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:31pm
Life,

Thanks for the welcome and the advice. It is hard to "be good" when we are all together. We are all a kind of touchy/feely group anyway, but now I really gotta watch it.

I am going out with his dw tonight. Then MM and I are getting together tomorrow. What a tangled web *sigh*.

Gigi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:35pm
Worstfriend,

I like your username. I feel that way at times. but, this isthe first time in my life I have decided to be "selfish" in my desires. I am really enjoying this and don't want it to stop. So, being careful is most important. I wish it were just "okay" to have a sexual relationship with someone outside of marriage.

Thanks for your understanding.

Gigi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:38pm
KC,

Wow, didn't know so many people were in the same boat. We started our A about the same time as you. The four of us see each other so often, it can be trying at times. I am going out with his dw tonight and meeting up with him tomorrow *yikes*.

Thanks for your understanding,

gigi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:41pm
Sorry that happened to you. I think my dh would get over it, we actually talk a lot about stuff "like" this. We are very open, but I don't want to tell him. My friend on the other hand would be crushed. That really scares me.

Gigi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:43pm
Thanks mgt,

I never in my wildest dreams thought any of this would ever happen. I just have recently decided that I am not going to go through life always suppressinf my needs. I am actually reveling in it. Just hope we don't get caught!

Gigi