New here; thinking about having EMA

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
New here; thinking about having EMA
4
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 11:12pm
Hello all,

I'm new here, although I've posted on a couple other boards in the past about in-law problems. I'm 36, have 2 great kids (a teenager and a grade-schooler), and a husband who has a drinking problem. Our older son & I confronted him a year ago about the drinking, and DH said he'd stop. I recently found out through DS that DH is drnking, although I've had a hunch for about a month that he was drinking on the sly. I've thought about leaving DH for a year or so.

Younger DS is in baseball, and I've found that I'm very attracted to one of the dads of DS's teammate. He's married, but there's definite chemistry between us. Lingering glances, smiles, etc. I've never cheated on DH, but I think about this other guy all the time. Today I realized that I haven't thought about another guy like this since DH and I were going out with each other 18 years ago.

I have no idea what to do. We live in a very small town, and I don't dare tell anyone of my feelings for this other guy.

Any advice?

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 11:26pm
Susie,

No amt of advice is going to stop you and this man if that is what you both want. I would say if you can walk away from it by deciding its just sexual sttraction - good for you. Its the best thing you can do for you and your marriage. However other issues with your marriage may need to be addressed separetely. Take your husband to counselling or alcholic recovery group like AA. There are many people who do quit after these methods to stop drinking. He could be depressed and it time to figure what he is depressed about - work, home or something else. Even after all this nothing works it time to give the ultimatumm to leave hi. Living with an alcholic is not fun and there is no good reason to put up with it. Good Luck!

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 8:46am
Well, I've got a completely different take on alcohol. Being the son of two alcoholics and watching alcoholism run rampant through the family tree, I do believe that it's genetic. And I also believe that it's an everyday fight that the alcoholic engage in. And it's been my experience that most alcoholics loose that battle! That being said, I determined a long time ago that I'm not interested in being a part of that madness. It's not my mess to be involved. I spent some years trying "fix" other people. No more! And if I could look back on myself as a young man and give myself some advice, it would be "don't spend a minute on trying to fix anything on anyone other than yourself"!

That's a long way of saying, get on with you life. What ever you decide it to be. You husband has already created his own life of which you are only tangentally included. In other words, he'd already got someone on the side...booze.

Now, if you have an affair, make sure it pleases you. Don't do it for other reasons such as spite or to make up for lost time. Make it a fun thing that adds pleasure to your life.

As Dennis Miller always says.."But, what do I know, I could be wrong".

Bis

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 12:08pm
You want advice? Ok, don't let it go any further than lingering glances and smiles. Being attracted to someone is as natural as the air you breathe. Having an affair (especially in a small town) is suicide on many levels. You should browse the board "Ending an affair" and read the hell one gal is going through who acted upon exactly what you are contemplating. (Small town, everyone knows everybody..etc.) It will defnately make you think twice. Good luck.

**Terri**

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 9:56pm
Thank you to all who replied to my orginal post. I appreciate your input and advice.

A little more history on DH & I. We got married because I was pregnant with our oldest child, and the wedding was a week after I turned 19. He's always been a heavy drinker-- his 2 siblings and my FIL are all chronic alcoholics who have wreaked much havoc in our lives over the past few years. DH has never stood up to them, except his sister a couple of months ago. After DS & I confronted DH about drnking last June, DH "slowed down" the drinking, and at my insistance went to counseling. He adamantly REFUSED to allow me to meet with this counselor and him, even though my own counselor thought it would benefit us both. He also refuses to go to AA, as that is for people "with a problem". According to DH, he does not have a problem. I think I still love DH somewhat (more like comfortable with what you know?), but I don't like the person he is now. I see other men alone, and other men with their wives, and they do not humiliate themselves in front of other people like DH does. I'm embarrassed to admit that he's my husband, he's gotten so bad.

Both DSs have been in therapy due to their father's drinking, and DH knows how upsetting the drinking is to all of us, yet he continues to sneak around and drink. I have decided that I will tell DH that he needs to move out. This evening, he blew up at youngest son (who just turned 8), and had DS hiding under his bed, calling him a "stupid b!tch", and belittled him for playing with PlayDoh, saying only girls play with PlayDoh.

I was sick for a long time, and it took over a year to get a correct diagnosis. I had a few bad doctors, and finally found a good one who knew what was wrong and I began treatment, which is very complex-- a combination of dietary and health supplements and spinal manipulations due to severe back problems. My health began to improve immediately, and I started to take much better care of myself in all ways-- emotionally, physically, etc. DH was never very supportive emotionally during my illness and recovery. When I injured my shoulder and had to rest it for a few weeks and he told me, "Well it was all in your head anyway"-- meaning the illness and the injury.

I think at this point, I'm definitely ready to move on, or move somewhere besides here, LOL! DH will not stop drinking, and that's it. My kids & I deserve better.

Susie