New here...just telling my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
New here...just telling my story
4
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:04am
I don't know what brought me here...I think I might be making more out of my situation then it really is by being here. But here's my story....I got involved with my old boss of about 2 years after he left the company a year ago. I never felt anything towards him. As far as I knew he was comfortably married with children and I have been with my boyfriend, who I love, for years. MM is 40 and I am 26.

We started going out for drinks a few times a month with a group and the night would always end with the 2 of us left. We would always wind up messing around in one of our cars. We both initiated it. Soon after we started getting hotel rooms. It's been purely sexual since..GREAT SEX! I care for him as a friend, but really never feel like I am "falling" for him. There's times he wants to meet and we just wind up talking the whole time. And I leave disappointed that we didn't wind up in bed. There's times he wants to meet and I just don't feel like seeing him. Then there's times I think we are going to meet and he can't and I am so bummed out. He can be strangely cold sometimes when I call and brush me off quick..but it's just how he is. And I spend about 5 minutes cursing him in my head and then get over it Then if I don't call for days, he gets all insecure that I don't want him anymore.

We are so discreet about it. And it seems very clear to both of us that this isn't going to be anything but sexual. But then I read posts here about people who started out like me and wound up in love. I just can't ever picture that with us. It's been a weird year with him. He really pursues it more than me. He gets scared sometimes though and I say, "so we won't do this anymore..we can be purely friends." I can tell he hates when I say this. Because I feel as though I really don't care if it stays or goes. I'm in it for the good sex and nothing more. And as much as he is in it for that too...I really think it bothers him that I am NOT falling in love with him.

About a month ago, I met another MM at a company meeting. He's 35 and lives in another state. I talked to him on the phone for years for business reasons but never met him. We connected instantly in person! But again, I knew he was married, so I thought I was reading his signals wrong. But he seemed to be coming on strong. After that, he started calling my office and e-mailing me regularly. I wound up traveling on business near where he lives 2 weeks ago. He wanted to meet. So, we did and he came on very strong and we wound up back at my room. We didn't have sex..but we fooled around for hours and it was great! Now he calls me almost daily and he is really pursuing me hard. I am only slightly interested now...but again..only sexually. He, too, makes comments about his marriage and the dangers of this. And I just don't seem to care if it happens or not with us. When I say things about not getting involved then, he immediately says he can't help it...he wants me. He keeps trying to figure a way for us to get together on a more regular basis.

I don't know what I am looking for..or what I am getting / have gotten myself into here. I feel like a man sometimes! Like I just want sex and not any of the emotional baggage that comes with it. (no offense to the any of the guys out there) Though, to be honest, I do fantasize about falling deeply in love. But I know for that to happen, I am in the wrong place. I love my boyfriend...but we have become more like siblings over the years. Sometimes, I feel like I just get off on the fact that this is my secret that no ones knows about. I'm kind of confused...but confused about what I'm confused about....I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:48am
Hello Private... welcome to the board. What concerns you about your behavior? Do you feel cheapened by the experiences, or do they make you feel better? It's not abnormal for a woman to have a relationship (or more than one) based on physical desire only. We are wired the same way as a man... just conditioned differently. I'm no expert, but it sounds like you're searching for something -- trying to fill some void. I would caution you to be careful, both physically and emotionally. Always use protection, of course. And keep an eye on how you're feeling. When it starts to feel cheap, it's time to take a good look at what's going on in your life. There may be other things that need to change to make you feel more fulfilled. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:51am
God, I need to post my story soon. But I just had this conversation with my current mm just last night! He is so hot and cold with me. It's like he wants complete control over me. It's weird, but since I'm a totally submissive in bed, and relationships (somewhat) I gravitate towards that. But like, you know.. if I don't call him, he starts to wonder why.. Yesterday we were instant messaging and he asked why he hadn't heard from me. I said well the phone works both ways. Anyway, he finally called me and wanted to know what was going on. I feel like you and I just take it or leave it. He wants me to fall in love with him too. I want to, but I can't risk the emotional liability.

Ugh.. I kinda relate with you and your first mm. Enough about me..I think you should just tell these men, what you're looking for. Just be clear and honest. And have some fun!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:09pm
Dang it privates, you life has become public now!!!! :) J/K Welcome aboard and don't feel like a man unless you are one (*wink*). Well, its always reigning confusion here so add your thoughts to the mix. *wink* Welcome aboard!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:18pm
Perfect example tonight....

Last night my MM wanted to see me and just didn't feel like it at all for some reason. So I said I was free tomorrow (today)..and he said that's good and he will call me. Kidding around I said "don't blow me off"...and he said "I won't babe..tomorrow's perfect" and then hung up. So today? Nothing! Then I can't remember if I am supposed to call him or him me. I wait and then call him way after he would've called me. Got his voicemail and left a message saying " I knew you'd blow me off (in a joking way).....have a good weekend....." Anyway...My feelings are so weird. Because a part of me is so pissed off. And then a part of me is happy to have the night free. My boyfriend is away and I have the house to myself. I think I am more angry that tonight would've been a perfect night (with my freedom and all)...that and I went out of my way to primp myself up today. I don't know..just venting. He's going away this weekend to look for a house in another state because he might be moving for work. Not sure yet how I feel about that.