New here....need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
New here....need advice
20
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 3:19pm
I've been having an affair with a MM for a year now. (I'm also married) We've always been attracted to one another, and one day we started flirting and one thing led to another. His marriage was on the rocks because his wife found out he had an affair with someone from work. ( He's also had a one night stand...wife doesn't know about that or me.) We both stated it was a physical thing only....he said he wanted to end it over the summer because it was weighing on him mentally. I agreed to that, but then I found out he was on an affair dating website. When I confronted him, he told me he's been on it for months and never met anyone from it. He said he'd delete the account....which he did. He claims he doesn't want to have the affair anymore, yet came to me a few days ago and we ended up having sex. I can't take this....yes, I want it...no, I don't crap. It's obvious to me he still wants sex. BTW...he and his wife have seen a lawyer and are staring the divorce process. (Because of the other affair) I'd just like some advice from women who have been there.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Sat, 10-10-2009 - 9:13am
Yes I did. He said "I don't care....just thought I'd ask"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Sat, 10-10-2009 - 3:22pm

You seem to need some "tough love".


"That's true about getting a NSAA from someone else, but he says he doesn't care, just wants the sex then asks me the other day if I'm talking or seeing anyone else. Why? Thought he didn't care??"


He has told you all you need to know. He wants sex PERIOD That is all you are to him and all you will ever be is another notch on his belt. believe what he has said to you that you are just sex for him.


It does not matter WHY he asked you if you are seeing someone else, but if you really need to know why then I can give you a good guess. He is a man marking his territory. Few men like to share women. He needs that sense of control that you are HIS and not with another man. He does not care about you in a relationship way and has made that clear. It's not like this man is playing games with you telling you he loves you or anything like that. He is being striaght forward with what he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2009
Sat, 10-10-2009 - 3:46pm
I agree with Blue. I would rather have a guy be straight forward with me then to lead me on with BS. I will say divorces are really stressful so overtime he might become more difficult to deal with. I would back off a lil and see how he acts toward you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Sat, 10-10-2009 - 4:07pm
Thanks to all of you. They JUST started the divorce proceedings...remember we've been having this A for a year. It honestly just pisses me off when he says 1. He doesn't care then asks me if I am seeing someone else. So it's OK if he is screwing around but I can't be? (Just for the record I made up an account on that A dating site just to see if he was on there.) 2. Says no...then yes. .then no...my view is: you either want an A w/ me or you don't. (He claims he doesn't want one with anybody) My friend says I should just tell him to hit the road (she was a little more explicit with her words) and move on....don't be so available to him and work on my marriage. I know I should....we'll never be together as a couple. So why am I so jealous about if he sleeping w/ someone else too? I guess I'm hurt but I have no right to be since he was upfront with his feelings in the first place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 11:35pm

Okay so he was upright with you about his feelings in the first place so I will give him that.

Jilly I think you need to put more value on your worth. You deserve to be treated better.

Frankly men like him should stick to escorts--then they get to pay for the privilege of going home without the emotional entanglements that an affair, esp one that has been ongoing a year--can bring.

I wish you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 7:57am
You're right....he should go to escorts. The only problem is his wife controls the money so she would know and they're in debt. I know I should just say no. It's just hard because I see him 3 times a week. ( I babysit his toddler son) and our other children are friends. He does admit he's attracted to me just not as much as I hoped he would be I guess. I should just forget about him and see what I want out of my life.....being married or leaving my marriage and starting a new life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 1:53pm
So what about your marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 2:28pm
No...there is no lack of sex in my marriage. I'm just not attracted to my husband (sexually)anymore. I don't feel anything when I kiss him. I have sex with him to keep him happy....I want sex...don't get me wrong...I just want to have sex with other people. (like my MM)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 5:40pm

How old are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 12:47pm
I'll be going on 10 yrs. I understand that it's a physical affair only....what I don't understand is the constant...yes I want it....no I don't....yes I do. I just want him to make a decision and stick with it. Honestly, I think he's just as confused as I am.

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