New Here.....Need Advice..(Warning Long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
New Here.....Need Advice..(Warning Long)
16
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 4:53pm
Hi Everyone, I've been lurking on your board for months. I enjoy reading all your stories and some of them sound like my situation. Here's some background info. I'm an almost 27 year old female, who has been married for 7.5 years. (with 2 kids). My husband was wonderful in the beginning, but things have slowly turned worse each year. I know that no matter how irritating a husband is, you should never start a EMA, but I've been pushed t the edge. (Not that I'm making excuses). My husband is the most unromantic person ever. He use to be so rude to me, and say mean things. He has gotten better over the years as far as rudeness goes, but then he demanded that we have separate bank accounts. He made a list and "split up" our bills. I felt like I was living with a roomate, not a spouse. We both work full time (although he makes more money than I do) and any extra money he had he was spending on his car. He is very into the "performance" of his car, and he is always getting new engines, etc. He started this hobby 2 years after we got married, and he has spent thousands and thousands of dollars on it since then. Money we do not have. I want to have a savings account for emergencies, and college education for our two children, etc. It is to the point where his car is coming before bills, and I can't deal with it anymore. Also, we both work full time, yet I'm always the one dealing with our kids. I take them, and pick them up from daycare, give them baths, dinner, homework, etc. He never lifted a finger to do anything. Then about 2 1/2 years ago, I told him I wanted a divorce. I told him to move out. He moved out and begged for me to let him move back in for 6 months. (We were separated 6 months). I kept telling him no, because I didn't think he could change. He promised to change, so after 6 months of begging, I let him move back in. He did change. He helped out more with the kids, and quit the car stuff. That lasted about 2 months. He still helps with the kids, house (somewhat) but he has totally started spending money on his car again. He is greedy with our money, and very selfish. I'm so fed up. I know I need a divorce, but I've been putting it off (due to finances and kids mostly).

Then, a few months ago. It happened. I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't expect it to happen. I was not looking for it. I met someone online (he is also married, and the same age as me...he is 6 weeks older than me). He also has two kids just like me. He is very unhappy with his wife, she has many selfish signs like my husband, but I won't go into details about that here. We talked online and fell in love. We decided to meet, so he came here (I live 5 1/2 hours south of him) which was hard for him to do. It was hard to get away for two days without her questioning things, etc. We had the most wonderful two days together. I miss him so much. We continue to talk on the phone/email/instant message daily. We are both in love, but feel stuck in our marriages. He is an awesome dad, and does not want to leave his kids but he is afraid it may come to that because he cannot deal with her much longer. This is my first EMA, and his first EMA. Neither of us planned on it happening it just did.

Here is the shocker to the whole story, soon after me and him fell in love, his wife told him she was pregnant. That is the last thing he needed since he is not in love with her. Now my friends (well only 2 of my friends know about what I'm doing) but they both tell me that I should just forget about him now that his wife is pregnant. I tried to do that, but I missed him so much. He told me he cannot stop talking to me either. We are truly best friends. So now what? This whole pregnancy complicates things.....I feel so torn. I feel bad about continuing on like this since I'm married. I do not want to tell my husband about the EMA, so I told him I want a divorce. Who knows when he will actually move out, or when I will get off my lazy butt and file the paperwork...but I know I need to be divorced. After all, if I was with the "one" then I wouldn't be in this EMA in the first place.

I hope to get to know all of you well. I plan on posting here daily, and I hope that I can make some new online friends who will not judge me badly for the situation that I'm in.

Moonlight

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 6:44pm
Hi moonlight,

It sounds like you know what you need to do, you just have to figure out how to do it. You say you were separated for 6 months, how did you manage then? I know the position you are in. It is hard when your H does not support you, especially emitionally. And what you get from your EMA is just that, emotional support. I am no longer in an EMA, I am trying to work things out with H. But I have been there, done that.

You will find lots of support here, I know I have in the few months that I have been here.

Welcome, and tc.

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 7:11pm
Thank You so much! When I was separated before, my H still paid for rent, etc. so I wasn't really struggling. I know what obstacles I am facing in the long road ahead, but I feel as if I *have* to do this.

Thanks for your kind words. :-)


Moonlight

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 9:19pm
Welcome Moonlight,

You will not be judged by me for sure!

The situation you're in is definitly a hard one. Your MM's W is pregnant. Ow.

Does he now feel he has to stay longer because of the new baby on the way?

If you D your H, will you still be with MM? Even though he may not leave his W?

Just a few questions! Welcome, and there is alot of support here.

~passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 12:01am
I know how hard it is, when I left my exH, I had 3 kids, no job, but somehow I made it. I still worry though, if things don't work out with me and H, I would have a hard time, and I have a decent job and only one kid at home now. But I look at rents in the paper, and even "cheap" apartments are way over my budget. The last time we were separated, about a month ago, (long story), I stayed with a friend, but I didn't feel comfortable there. If I am going to leave again, then I would want my own place. But financially I just can't do it and provide my dd with a decent life. The ironic thing is my exH told me if I need to I can stay with him. (YUCK!!) Never!! Never!! Never!!! I would live in a cave first, lol. Well, just wanted to let you know, I do understand.

I really don't know what to tell you about your MM, but I wouldn't worry too much about him right now. Get your own life together first, the rest will fall into place. If it's meant to be, he will be with you.

hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 12:03am
Well, the whole pregnancy thing seems a little fishy to me. I'm not doubting that she's pregnant, but it just seems strange. The weekend he was here with me, he went home, and the day he got home she told him she was pregnant. She refuses to go to the doctor, and he had to "make her go". What kind of woman would not want to go to the doctor to make sure her baby is healthy? I'm wondering if maybe she suspects something, and is using that to "keep him". She wouldn't even let him go in the doctor with her, he had to drop her off, and come back to pick her up. The whole thing just seems strange.

To answer your question, if I get divorced....and he does NOT leave his W, then no I probably will not stay with him. Not exclusively anyway. I have two kids also, and if I'm going to give up my marriage, then he should be willing to do the same (if he truly loves me). If not, then I will find someone single who I can date. I think I'll be single myself for a while...and just find myself. I got married at 19, which is very young IMO.

Thanks for all your support, it looks like I will fit right in!

Moonlight

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 12:14am
The first time I was married I was 17, and I definately think staying single for a while is a good idea. I didn't do that, 3 months after my divorce was final, I found myself standing in front of a magistrate doing it again. (Slap myself for that stupidity) If we don't make it I will definately stay single.

It does sound awfully fishy, I would really question that if suddenly she had a "miscarriage". Did you talk to him about it? Does he think something's funny? Some women are good at manipulating men, and she probably knows exactly how to manipulate him.

Would you want a man who is so easy to manipulate?


itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 12:50am
Well, the thing is...when she told him she was pregnant, she showed him the test she had taken the day before. So he saw the postivite pink line. Yet, all this nonsense about her not wanting to go to the doctor just seems strange to me. Oh well, guess we'll see what happens.

When I first found out she was pregnant, I told him I no longer wanted to talk to him. (Just because I felt bad, guilty I guess), and he told me he understood, but still loved me, etc. Then we just kept talking anyway.....

I guess I'll see where this road takes me. Can I ask you all something? Do you all believe in signs? (You know, like major signs...like the movie Serendipity)? I didn't use to, but now all these signs are starting to appear...it makes me wonder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 9:12am
I hear ya! I got married at 18... Ow. Look at me now. lol

Good for you for wanting to find yourself first!

Actually this happened to me a month ago... My OM is single and he was talking about he and I getting married one day... Well, I panicked. (My messages are in here somewhere!) I panicked because I knew if I D my H, I'd want to be alone.

And even now... I love my OM so much, but would I want to be with him if I were single? I don't know yet.

Welcome again:) ~passion
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 9:13am
Itty, I was thinking the same thing... ~passion
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 5:00pm
Did alot of you get married at a young age? Do you think that has anything to do with EMA's?

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