New here..not sure if it's an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
New here..not sure if it's an affair
11
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 8:32pm
I am feeling very confused lately and don't know where to turn, since it is such a sensitive subject.. I would like to know if I am alone in this next issue… I can’t really discuss it with too many people for obvious reasons, but the curiosity for feedback is killing me.

I have a "friend" who used to be my colleague. He lives 3,000 miles away but we have remained very close via phone calls and email. We have lots in common (our age, getting married to our respective spouses in the same month, same honeymoon to Hawaii, and obviously, same line of work, same love for Mensa brain teasers, etc. .) Over the years he has become a good friend and career advisor especially since he is far more accomplished than I, worked at the same company as me (worked with me), so is able to help me with my strengths and weaknesses. It seems like no matter how busy we get, we always seem to reconnect and it never goes longer than 2 months that we don't talk. He is originally from my State and relocated to Cali years ago.

The last time I saw him (in person) was nearly 2 years ago on a business trip. It was the first time that I noticed that he may be attracted to me. Harmless flirting ensued and has continued since then. I say harmless, because we both know we're married and it's not even an option to take it further. Nevertheless, it's nice to feel that "another guy" is actually attracted to me. I am attracted to him as well - there is something very endearing about him and I just like him as a person, very much.

Over the past few years I have sort of sensed that he's not 100% happy in his marriage. I haven't outright asked him, but I know that since I had a baby, he talks about kids more, and also how his wife doesn't want any - ever. He said he knew that when he married her, and he sighs... I get the feeling like he's regretting that decision because I really do feel he wants kids. While his wife is career-minded, and maybe that has something to do with her decision, I too, have a career and am doing well - working full-time and also being a mom to a beautiful boy. I think he sees me doing it and is disappointed his wife will not do the same. He tells me all the time that my husband is a lucky man...

He called me the other day to tell me that his mom is very sick, with stage 4 cancer. He is going to be flying out from time to time (to home) to see her. He asked if I'm not doing anything, if we could meet for lunch or a drink or something next month. I would very much like to see him and be there for him, but there is always that underlying attraction and feeling like I am doing something wrong. I love my husband. Very much. At the same time, I know that if this guy and I had met, before we met our spouses, there's no doubt that we are compatible and would have 'hit it off'. Am I nuts or what? Has anyone ever been in this situation?

If a guy is married, and say, attracted to a married woman.. and he sort of senses that she is attracted to him too - would he still try to see if he could 'get somewhere' with her? I just don't know what's going on in his mind, but wonder why he bothers to stay in touch with me, after all these years. And maybe I’m jumping the gun or fabricating things in my mind. I have other co-workers (men) that I don't keep in touch with, but with him, I always know he is going to call. What do you think?

I know people are going to jump down my throat about this, but I honestly don't want to ruin my friendship with this guy. (it would be like one of my best friends from home, just gone for good...) My husband knows I'm still friends with him and I know if I told him that his mother is ill and he asked to meet up when he's in town that he wouldn't have a problem with it, at all.

I don't know, I'm very confused because I find myself thinking about him, and know that it’s not right! I guess it’s the thrill of the “chase” so to speak, but the fact that we are married has always put the breaks on me and kept me from acting like a complete retard at any given moment. There is a connection between us, for sure. My old boss noticed it (well, noticed him eyeing me all day and night while on that business trip…I didn’t even mention a thing to her and she was like, “Girl… he was totally checking you out all day!). I guess it’s kind of a giggly thing, us married girls talking about the prospect of another guy actually being attracted to you…kind of ‘nice’. I love my husband – please do not misconstrue this as anything other than that. It’s a weird situation, that’s all I have to say.. I almost feel like telling this guy that I have a this crush on him and getting it out in the open so he can say SOMETHING that will make me feel like an a$$, and then it will make it easier to kind of get him out of my life. Because the reality is, the longer I stay friends with him and the closer we become, the harder it gets for me. Can anyone offer any advice?? Thanks so much, in advance!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:09pm
HI Rhonda

First no one is going to jump on you here.

If it is you desire not to let this get out of hand then it is your husband you should be talking to about you little crush, he may have had one are two of his own over the years it's not that strange you know.

You should tell your husband that you need his company if you meet the friend for launch or a drink just to keep things out in the open, it's when you start getting secritive that you begin to get in to problems.

There's no reason you cannot have your friend and keep the relationship a true friendship if you keep things above board and open with no secrets from your husband.

To answer your question no your not in a Affair and most people here will tell you if you have a good marriage with a good husband you don't want to go there.

WISE DECISIONS TO YOU

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 11:12pm


Hi Rhonda

I don't know that I really have any advice to offer, ha perhaps I need some of my own...LOL. I do know that you are not the first person to be in the situation that you are in. I have been there, still am. I will tell you a little bit about my situation, but all distance has done for me is make the heart grow fonder.

I have a really good friend that I used to work with and he is a MM and I am a MW. Before I moved about 750 miles away to relocate with my H, this guy and I had a serious vibes for each other, the sexual tension was over the top. Everyone we worked with thought we were having an affair, and had I admitted how I really felt for him and what I wanted, althought he knew, we would have had a full blown affair. The chemistry between us was unbelievable. I was devasted when we moved as was he, but we have remained friends and I have been gone from there for 6 yrs. It has been 5 since we last saw each other but we talk on the phone every couple of months and email constantly. I really think he is a friend for life. My parents and family live in the same town where he lives so I am back there a couple times a year. I believe he is my affair of the heart. I also believe that he is my soul mate and our paths crossed for a reason, but the timing hasn't been right. Our friendship is out in the open with both of our spouses, but neither one of them like it, but up to this point since I moved away how big a threat are we to each other?

Good luck to you and don't feel bad for how you feel, it is normal and other people have had the same feeling you are having.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:00am
Omawxgirl,

OMG, it sounds strangely familiar!! What you are describing, that is...

Do you wonder what would have happened if you and the MM had hooked up, or met before you actually met your husband??? I think about all the time, and I guess it is also an "affair of the heart". My problem is that he is going through a lot of emotions right now (with his mom being ill, and his marriage), and when we meet for a drink next month, I am concerned I will say something I will regret. On the other hand, I do want him to know that I have these strange feelings for him (and hate to admit), would like to know if the feeling is mutual. Is that so wrong?

I suppose so -- none of this is fair to our spouses...


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:42am


Rhonda....

I think as hard as it is for you as it was for me, b/c of the fear of being rejected, you have to lay your feeling out let him know how you feel. My true feeling about how I felt about my MM didn't come out until I moved, but we both knew how we felt even though the words had not been spoken. While he wanted to hear from my mouth how I really felt, he helped pave the way by admitting to me what he wanted, so I knew I wasn't going to be rejected. I think we knew that if we hooked up, god help us b/c there is/was such a connection and a chemistry that we had together, that neither one of us has with our spouses that I think it we would have been at a point of not going back if that makes any sense. I often think that instead of moving with my spouse, at the time I only had one child, I should have used the opportunity to leave the marriage, I haven't been happy for 12 yrs, but soon after moving I was dumb enough to have another baby with my H, and then 20 months after that have one more...yikes! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my children but have 2 more with a man your not really happy with is not the brightest thing in the world to do and just help to dig my feet in deeper into the marriage.

Believe me, It is highly likely that he had more than just friendship feelings for you. The question you have to ask yourself, is if his feeling are mutual, there only place to go is forward and are you prepared for that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:13am


Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is are you prepared to destroy a good marriage for a fantasy that has almost no chance of working out.

IS IT WORTH IT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:54am
Hi,

I don't know what kind of advice I can give you, I just wanted to express my sympathy for your situation. I thought mine was tough. I am 23 yrs old and falling for a 27 yr old guy that has a girlfriend. I am totally single, and some people say that he could just leave her, but they have a house and she is pregnant with his baby. They have been together for a long time. I have a feeling that if I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, that he would leave her, but I just don't know if that is right for me to do. I feel like a homewrecker, and we haven't even slept together. I think he may leave her anyway, he just doesn't want to do it when she is pregnant. Is it fair of me to even stay around him? Should I just get out of the picture and let them live happily ever after? The fact is on my part that I really care about him, I think about him all the time, and I know he thinks about me, he calls me every single day. I don't know what to do, all I know is I am truly happy when I am around him. Some advice would be really appreciated!

Maygan

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:50pm


me~

My situation has very much been in reality as I am sure Rhonda's is too. Obviously, you have forgotten that this is a support board for those involved in or thinking about becoming involve in an affair. Personally I don't think it is fair to say to her that she is going to break up her own good marriage over a fantasy, we are not in her marriage and do not walk in her shoes. There are a lot of marriages that break up and individuals go on to have happy realtionships with the "other" person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:38pm
I certainly do appreciate everyone's feedback. The truth of the matter is that, my situation involves real feeling for a real person. And while I have absolutely zero intent to leave my husband, it doesn't change the fact that I have real emotions to deal with for another MM.

I know the reality is that I could marry MM and he could be not as patient and understanding as DH, for sure. I know that I am truly lucky to have my husband. I also know that the connection felt between MM and I was strong even before we met in person. If I didn't explain in my initial post, we worked for the same company, albeit 3,000 miles apart. We spoke nearly every day due to work-related issues, and met in person only a few months after we each got married to our 'respective' spouses. The inital attraction over the phone only escalated when we saw each other in person. This is not an easy thing for me and who knows for him, either.

I am glad that I have found a place where people have shared the same thoughts and struggles, really, that I have been keeping inside for nearly 4 years now. I almost feel like this is better therapy for me than my therapist who just constantly ranted, "..you have to break it off, end of story." It really is not so simple. I still don't know what I am going to do (when he visits), but I can assure myself that I will not ever leave my husband.

I am 99% leaning towards having a *discussion* with him when he comes, to explain how I feel at the risk of sounding like a dumba$$. Either one of two things will happen, 1) He'll say he feels the same way and we will resolve that we cannot take it further for the sake of our marriages, or 2)He'll say, "gee, I'm flattered, but I really don't feel the same way, and you need to get over this. (and I will then feel like an idiot, which may be great for the 'getting-over-him' part!)

So, in a nutshell, I'm glad you guys are out there to help me with this "situation". The feeling are real, and delve much deeper than a lustful glance or fantasy. We are connected and there is no denying it. I look forward to more advice! Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 6:01pm
OMA

Sorry your wrong 97.5 percent of relationships between affair parterners fail, 95 percent fail in the first year.

I have forgot nothing, I gave her far better support then you did by miles.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:18pm
You started out as friends but things are getting out of hand. If you want to see this man, take your husband with you. You are getting much too close for comfort in this friendship.

Most of us have been attracted to other men while we are married, most of us don't act on it. It is sad when that magnetic feeling tempts us away from our loved ones. I'm sure that you love your husband and son very much. Think how the impact of your friendship to this man would do to them.

Your friend should look to his wife for friendship and love. He knew she didn't want children when he married her. If he is saying how lucky your husband is, it may be because he regrets not having children.

To meet up with him, given the fact that you both are getting much too close, would be asking for trouble. You are putting yourself in a situation where temptation can take over. As I have said, if you want to meet up with him, take your husband along.

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