New here..not sure if it's an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
New here..not sure if it's an affair
11
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 8:32pm
I am feeling very confused lately and don't know where to turn, since it is such a sensitive subject.. I would like to know if I am alone in this next issue… I can’t really discuss it with too many people for obvious reasons, but the curiosity for feedback is killing me.

I have a "friend" who used to be my colleague. He lives 3,000 miles away but we have remained very close via phone calls and email. We have lots in common (our age, getting married to our respective spouses in the same month, same honeymoon to Hawaii, and obviously, same line of work, same love for Mensa brain teasers, etc. .) Over the years he has become a good friend and career advisor especially since he is far more accomplished than I, worked at the same company as me (worked with me), so is able to help me with my strengths and weaknesses. It seems like no matter how busy we get, we always seem to reconnect and it never goes longer than 2 months that we don't talk. He is originally from my State and relocated to Cali years ago.

The last time I saw him (in person) was nearly 2 years ago on a business trip. It was the first time that I noticed that he may be attracted to me. Harmless flirting ensued and has continued since then. I say harmless, because we both know we're married and it's not even an option to take it further. Nevertheless, it's nice to feel that "another guy" is actually attracted to me. I am attracted to him as well - there is something very endearing about him and I just like him as a person, very much.

Over the past few years I have sort of sensed that he's not 100% happy in his marriage. I haven't outright asked him, but I know that since I had a baby, he talks about kids more, and also how his wife doesn't want any - ever. He said he knew that when he married her, and he sighs... I get the feeling like he's regretting that decision because I really do feel he wants kids. While his wife is career-minded, and maybe that has something to do with her decision, I too, have a career and am doing well - working full-time and also being a mom to a beautiful boy. I think he sees me doing it and is disappointed his wife will not do the same. He tells me all the time that my husband is a lucky man...

He called me the other day to tell me that his mom is very sick, with stage 4 cancer. He is going to be flying out from time to time (to home) to see her. He asked if I'm not doing anything, if we could meet for lunch or a drink or something next month. I would very much like to see him and be there for him, but there is always that underlying attraction and feeling like I am doing something wrong. I love my husband. Very much. At the same time, I know that if this guy and I had met, before we met our spouses, there's no doubt that we are compatible and would have 'hit it off'. Am I nuts or what? Has anyone ever been in this situation?

If a guy is married, and say, attracted to a married woman.. and he sort of senses that she is attracted to him too - would he still try to see if he could 'get somewhere' with her? I just don't know what's going on in his mind, but wonder why he bothers to stay in touch with me, after all these years. And maybe I’m jumping the gun or fabricating things in my mind. I have other co-workers (men) that I don't keep in touch with, but with him, I always know he is going to call. What do you think?

I know people are going to jump down my throat about this, but I honestly don't want to ruin my friendship with this guy. (it would be like one of my best friends from home, just gone for good...) My husband knows I'm still friends with him and I know if I told him that his mother is ill and he asked to meet up when he's in town that he wouldn't have a problem with it, at all.

I don't know, I'm very confused because I find myself thinking about him, and know that it’s not right! I guess it’s the thrill of the “chase” so to speak, but the fact that we are married has always put the breaks on me and kept me from acting like a complete retard at any given moment. There is a connection between us, for sure. My old boss noticed it (well, noticed him eyeing me all day and night while on that business trip…I didn’t even mention a thing to her and she was like, “Girl… he was totally checking you out all day!). I guess it’s kind of a giggly thing, us married girls talking about the prospect of another guy actually being attracted to you…kind of ‘nice’. I love my husband – please do not misconstrue this as anything other than that. It’s a weird situation, that’s all I have to say.. I almost feel like telling this guy that I have a this crush on him and getting it out in the open so he can say SOMETHING that will make me feel like an a$$, and then it will make it easier to kind of get him out of my life. Because the reality is, the longer I stay friends with him and the closer we become, the harder it gets for me. Can anyone offer any advice?? Thanks so much, in advance!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:16pm
Thanks again for your advice..

My DH does know more than you think. I guess I don't see the harm in meeting the guy since he's not overtly making passes at me. What if all of this "attention" is in my head? I'll sound like a real a$$ if I tell him, "you know what, I don't think it's a good idea we continue this friendship anymore and I will not be meeting you for lunch/drink (whatever)." He may say, "huh? What's your deal?"

It's too soon to tell. I will wait to see when/if he contacts me as the day gets closer. Like i said, he may just not call me afterall. Who knows?

It's pretty clear that an affair is not the way to go - and not what I was intending...

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