New here...not sure where to start....
Find a Conversation
New here...not sure where to start....
| Wed, 11-26-2008 - 8:40pm |
Hi. I've been lurking on the boards a while. I'm new - so new in fact that I am still trying to figure out all of the abbreviations!! HA! I've been married for almost 8 years now. Why I married this particular man I am not sure. We have one daughter who is 4. He is handsome, kind, and a wonderful father. I am bored to tears. Whether or not that means there is something wrong with me, some deep seeded issue, I do not know. Counseling, here I come.....I did not marry until I was 30. I had a ball living in a big city, a career girl, all through my 20's. Tons of friends...tons of dating. I LOVED the chase, the roller coaster, the kinky sex, the whole power trip of it. I loved dating. I loved conquering. I loved the challenge. Again....obviously some issues. whatever. Along with these passionate love stories came hours of agony and heartache, heartbreak, coupled with unbelievable highs and self satisfaction on good days. I relished in both. The agony and the ecstacy. Not a very healthy way to live....but quite addicting. Married a safe man. Never really had those highs and lows with him.....but those aren't really for life, now are they. Safe was better. We have mediocre vanilla sex. We parent well together. We grocery shop. We cut the grass. We pay the bills, have a cute home, great kid, cuddle on the couch at night and watch sitcoms. I want to scream. LOUDLY. But, for the first several years, I though, well, I had my fun, this is life. And it probably is. All of my married with children friends are at home doing the exact same thing. Library story time, volunteering at preschool, cooking dinner..etc etc. And I guess there is some level of satisfaction in this for anyone. Look deep, I tell myself. This is your family. Cherish them. And I do in a way....especially my daughter. My husband, too, really. God, he loves me. I probably won't appreciate that until I push him away.
Enter stage left a handsome devil from work that invites me to a concert. SEveral of us are going from work, but the concert is sold out. We scalp tickets online. Although we are all meeting together as a group, the scalped tickets are kind of scattered everywhere...he asks if we could sit together. I say yes. My husband is not going. He is uber trusting and knows my friends from work. He likes me to have "me time", which prior to this has always been margaritas and cigarettes at the local Mexican restaurant. Not this time. Now, I have to admit, that in my new "wife/mother" role, I had let myself go a little. Not bad, but enough. Recently, about 4 months ago, I decided to go on a diet, hit the gym hard, start tanning again, go and get facials, keep my manicures up, etc. Partly because I was tired of wearing sweat pants and avoiding mirrors, and the other part because my daughter had started an all day preschool 3x/week, and I had time on my hands, time for ME, that I had not had since I was pregnant 5 years ago. I started reading funny books again and listening to MY music, not just toddler tunes. It felt good. My husand said I looked "nice", which was fine, because I did it for me not him. That's what I would have expected him to say. Handsome devil at the concert said a little more than that. He said I was smokin' hot. He said I was sexy. He looked at me like I hadn't been looked at in years. I WOKE UP QUICKLY and felt things I hadn't felt in years. He never touched me that night, but let me tell you what. I couldn't stop thinking about him. AT ALL. He became my lust. He became my desire. I started talking to him on line, and just like riding a bike.....I IMMEDIATELY fell into my old role of seductress....with great pleasure I must add. It's like a role I play. It's like acting but I really feel things. Does that make sense to anyone? We have been having quite the steamy affair for a few weeks now, and I am HOOKED. He is not married. He is divorced for a while now....no kids...lives alone. So this is uber easy and FUN FUN FUN. I'm talking the lingerie that has been gathering dust on the floor of my closet is now burning up. I have bought naughty outfits, massage oil, etc etc. It's like I can be whoever I want to be. I swear my husband would never be up for any of this. We take baths, we talk dirty, we eat, drink and then do it all over again. I hope this is not too much info....just trying to paint the picture that I am sure everyone is soooooo familiar with. I thought for sure this would be a fabulous outlet for my old desires, but now, I really crave him. This is much harder than dating. I feel like a trapped animal when I am not with him. I need him. i need his touch. This was supposed to be hot sex and nothing else. What is happening to me? I feel like I should end it, because I am building some fantasy life in my head where he sweeps me out of my house of boredom and becomes my hero.....but I do realize, deep down somewhere, that this kind of high energy passion doesn't last and is not the kind of thing that allows real life in, right, like fighting about the mortgage payment or yelling about being out of toothpaste. That just isn't sexy. But this is. Lace stockings and bubble baths are. Sneaking out is sexy. My question is....how long does/can this last. When does everyone end it.....or do they. This is unchartered territory for me. I am a little disappointed that I strayed, but not enough to stop out of guilt. My appetite for him is HUGE. Do I sound awful.....do I just keep going, have fun and be careful.....and realize that this IS a fantasy and not reality. Any advice welcome....thanks so much.
Enter stage left a handsome devil from work that invites me to a concert. SEveral of us are going from work, but the concert is sold out. We scalp tickets online. Although we are all meeting together as a group, the scalped tickets are kind of scattered everywhere...he asks if we could sit together. I say yes. My husband is not going. He is uber trusting and knows my friends from work. He likes me to have "me time", which prior to this has always been margaritas and cigarettes at the local Mexican restaurant. Not this time. Now, I have to admit, that in my new "wife/mother" role, I had let myself go a little. Not bad, but enough. Recently, about 4 months ago, I decided to go on a diet, hit the gym hard, start tanning again, go and get facials, keep my manicures up, etc. Partly because I was tired of wearing sweat pants and avoiding mirrors, and the other part because my daughter had started an all day preschool 3x/week, and I had time on my hands, time for ME, that I had not had since I was pregnant 5 years ago. I started reading funny books again and listening to MY music, not just toddler tunes. It felt good. My husand said I looked "nice", which was fine, because I did it for me not him. That's what I would have expected him to say. Handsome devil at the concert said a little more than that. He said I was smokin' hot. He said I was sexy. He looked at me like I hadn't been looked at in years. I WOKE UP QUICKLY and felt things I hadn't felt in years. He never touched me that night, but let me tell you what. I couldn't stop thinking about him. AT ALL. He became my lust. He became my desire. I started talking to him on line, and just like riding a bike.....I IMMEDIATELY fell into my old role of seductress....with great pleasure I must add. It's like a role I play. It's like acting but I really feel things. Does that make sense to anyone? We have been having quite the steamy affair for a few weeks now, and I am HOOKED. He is not married. He is divorced for a while now....no kids...lives alone. So this is uber easy and FUN FUN FUN. I'm talking the lingerie that has been gathering dust on the floor of my closet is now burning up. I have bought naughty outfits, massage oil, etc etc. It's like I can be whoever I want to be. I swear my husband would never be up for any of this. We take baths, we talk dirty, we eat, drink and then do it all over again. I hope this is not too much info....just trying to paint the picture that I am sure everyone is soooooo familiar with. I thought for sure this would be a fabulous outlet for my old desires, but now, I really crave him. This is much harder than dating. I feel like a trapped animal when I am not with him. I need him. i need his touch. This was supposed to be hot sex and nothing else. What is happening to me? I feel like I should end it, because I am building some fantasy life in my head where he sweeps me out of my house of boredom and becomes my hero.....but I do realize, deep down somewhere, that this kind of high energy passion doesn't last and is not the kind of thing that allows real life in, right, like fighting about the mortgage payment or yelling about being out of toothpaste. That just isn't sexy. But this is. Lace stockings and bubble baths are. Sneaking out is sexy. My question is....how long does/can this last. When does everyone end it.....or do they. This is unchartered territory for me. I am a little disappointed that I strayed, but not enough to stop out of guilt. My appetite for him is HUGE. Do I sound awful.....do I just keep going, have fun and be careful.....and realize that this IS a fantasy and not reality. Any advice welcome....thanks so much.

Pages
OMG it's almost like we are the same person. Very similar background and situation other than my AP lives thousands of miles away and is MM, 2 kids....
I am wondering all the same things you are. Can't really help you out but maybe on here we'll all get thru this "together"
To read my story- find post titled "Dont know how to do this" in this section
Hi and welcome to the board.
The highs at the beginning are incredible, but when you hit a low, wow. You may or may not have been that far down before. And there are a lot of lows in an A.
Is it worth it? You will need to answer that? Is it worth breaking up your family for? Having your H walk out or throw you out if there is a d-day, because chances are high that there will be. And where is this going to be in a few months, six months or a year? Just things for you to think about.
FYI I bumped the list of abbreviations in the Humor Me section.
Happy Thanksgiving!
If being in the prowl and the chase is what it takes to keep your blood pumping, then being in a serious R or being M may not be enough to keep you put and no matter WHO you'll end up with, will in time become boring. That is fine if you don't have a child's life to think about. But I think once we have children, our life is not really our own anymore or we'll end up causing said child deep harm that they may need T to sort out.
Now, you're in an A and from the sounds of it, is enjoying yourself immensely. Are you willing to risk everything that you have now for the pleasure you're getting from your A? Because I can assure you the devastation if discovered will be way more than what we usually bargain for. It would be a good idea to have a plan in place on what you want in say, 2-3 years from now. Either resolve to be happy in your M or dissolve it. Unless you can manage to juggle living a double life forever which is very hard. Sometimes we have to factor in how to minimize the eventual damage to save some people from undue pain. It's NOT all just about us.
Your H also deserved to be with a W who's faithful and happy just being with him.
You kind of sound like you know where this is heading. Yes there is NOTHING like the excitement you get from seeing each other, and the sex....OMG! But I have heard it a thousand times on this board. A's are like roller coasters. You will go high, but you will often go down, fast, and far. I have never been as high as I get w/ my XAP, but I have never felt as low as I have when things aren't just right.
You sound like a confident woman, but in an A you will begin to second guess yourself. Read things into everything, and over analyze everything AP says and does. I hope it will be different for you, but I seriously doubt it. But the other post was right when she said that your fortunate that he isn't M. Your problems are going to come when he is tired of of having a half a girlfriend, and starts to date others to help fill in the time that you can't be there. That will be very difficult. I couldn't take that.
I think that you hit the nail on the head when you said that you realize that you had your time for fun and excitement. Now it's time to be grown up, and it SUCKS! But it is the way things are. You have a good H, and a comfortable life. That's a lot more than some people have. Do you think that it would be worth the risk of loosing those that you care for. Looking into the face of the man you married who you have just devastated is a hard thing to do. I don't want to sound judgemental my God that's the last thing I would want. I just wanted to give you a reality check.
You will do whatever it is that you need to do. I hope that you find whatever it is that makes you happy. Good luck, because your gonna need it.
I would have to say, as a former CL here, that the advice you have gotten is good. As one who has gone through the affair experience, and been to the point where I thought that my AP was the One who I wanted to be with, who stoked that craving for excitement and incredible sex, only to see that disintegrate, I can say you need to take pause, see that any new relationship is going to seem incredible at the outset, and remember that if you simply trade one husband/relationship for another, you are still going to have to face the mortgage, and all the other stuff that fill up a life. Affairs blur reality in a way that we can't see when we are in them, since we are so, so convinced that we have Finally Met That Special One....most of the time, we have just met someone who we connect with physically...guys are particularly good at making the physical seem so convincing.
I wish my ex had taken that lingerie out of the dusty closet once and while, and made the bedroom as comfortable and exciting as working in the yard or doing the dishes. She gave up on that, insisted on vanilla sex, and that eventually forced me to make a decision that I never thought I would ever have to. My advice? Spend some time trying to ignite your H's passion, or maybe even try to create it. Be the teacher, and insist that he be more forthcoming with his libido! I think many married women think it's the guys who have to come to the plate and make the sex work...why don't you take the lead here, find and share that passion that you so desire, and make your otherwise perfect hubby into the animal you want him to be in the bedroom....I'd still be married to my ex had she even gotten to the point where she understood how important that was.
That is a much more worthwhile and, ultimately, satisfying project, than trying to nurture an affair that, as we know here from experience, will eventually wither.
Good luck.
Lazy:)
Pisces
I'm with you Pisces. (I'm also a fellow Pisces!). I tried everything you can think of to get my ex-H to work on our sex life. Everything. In fact, there is not one single thing I can think of that one could do that I didn't try. Nothing had any effect whatsoever. Sexually, I tried initiating sex. 99.99% of the time, it did absolutely no good. The only time, and I mean ONLY time it would work is if I did the whole makeup, heels, slinky outfit (or none at all), greeting him at the door thing. He would have sex with me then, but, as the poster said, it was completely vanilla and over fairly quickly. A lot of work for not a lot of reward, and eventually, after he told me it made him feel "pressured" to have sex (poor baby), I stopped doing even that. I tried the sexy outfits, the toys, even said we could have a three-some, he had no interest. From the emotional side, I tried gently talking to him (angry explosion), getting angry with him (angry explosion), crying (angry explosion), even going off to couples counseling, on my own, in an effort to communicate with him. I wish I could say that I was able to at least make some headway, but, sadly, absolutely nothing ever came of any of it. I even wondered if he was perhaps gay until I found out, much to my heartache, that he enjoyed the ladies of the evening. And porn. Talk about adding insult to injury. There were years in our marriage where we had sex no more than two or three times. No exaggeration. Oh, and he also claimed to love giving oral sex, but I can count the number of times he did it, NEVER to completion, on one hand in the 10 years we were together.
So, yes, the bottom line is that women suffer from this problem, too. You just rarely hear about it.
Pages