New here...not sure where to start....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
New here...not sure where to start....
12
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 8:40pm
Hi. I've been lurking on the boards a while. I'm new - so new in fact that I am still trying to figure out all of the abbreviations!! HA! I've been married for almost 8 years now. Why I married this particular man I am not sure. We have one daughter who is 4. He is handsome, kind, and a wonderful father. I am bored to tears. Whether or not that means there is something wrong with me, some deep seeded issue, I do not know. Counseling, here I come.....I did not marry until I was 30. I had a ball living in a big city, a career girl, all through my 20's. Tons of friends...tons of dating. I LOVED the chase, the roller coaster, the kinky sex, the whole power trip of it. I loved dating. I loved conquering. I loved the challenge. Again....obviously some issues. whatever. Along with these passionate love stories came hours of agony and heartache, heartbreak, coupled with unbelievable highs and self satisfaction on good days. I relished in both. The agony and the ecstacy. Not a very healthy way to live....but quite addicting. Married a safe man. Never really had those highs and lows with him.....but those aren't really for life, now are they. Safe was better. We have mediocre vanilla sex. We parent well together. We grocery shop. We cut the grass. We pay the bills, have a cute home, great kid, cuddle on the couch at night and watch sitcoms. I want to scream. LOUDLY. But, for the first several years, I though, well, I had my fun, this is life. And it probably is. All of my married with children friends are at home doing the exact same thing. Library story time, volunteering at preschool, cooking dinner..etc etc. And I guess there is some level of satisfaction in this for anyone. Look deep, I tell myself. This is your family. Cherish them. And I do in a way....especially my daughter. My husband, too, really. God, he loves me. I probably won't appreciate that until I push him away.
Enter stage left a handsome devil from work that invites me to a concert. SEveral of us are going from work, but the concert is sold out. We scalp tickets online. Although we are all meeting together as a group, the scalped tickets are kind of scattered everywhere...he asks if we could sit together. I say yes. My husband is not going. He is uber trusting and knows my friends from work. He likes me to have "me time", which prior to this has always been margaritas and cigarettes at the local Mexican restaurant. Not this time. Now, I have to admit, that in my new "wife/mother" role, I had let myself go a little. Not bad, but enough. Recently, about 4 months ago, I decided to go on a diet, hit the gym hard, start tanning again, go and get facials, keep my manicures up, etc. Partly because I was tired of wearing sweat pants and avoiding mirrors, and the other part because my daughter had started an all day preschool 3x/week, and I had time on my hands, time for ME, that I had not had since I was pregnant 5 years ago. I started reading funny books again and listening to MY music, not just toddler tunes. It felt good. My husand said I looked "nice", which was fine, because I did it for me not him. That's what I would have expected him to say. Handsome devil at the concert said a little more than that. He said I was smokin' hot. He said I was sexy. He looked at me like I hadn't been looked at in years. I WOKE UP QUICKLY and felt things I hadn't felt in years. He never touched me that night, but let me tell you what. I couldn't stop thinking about him. AT ALL. He became my lust. He became my desire. I started talking to him on line, and just like riding a bike.....I IMMEDIATELY fell into my old role of seductress....with great pleasure I must add. It's like a role I play. It's like acting but I really feel things. Does that make sense to anyone? We have been having quite the steamy affair for a few weeks now, and I am HOOKED. He is not married. He is divorced for a while now....no kids...lives alone. So this is uber easy and FUN FUN FUN. I'm talking the lingerie that has been gathering dust on the floor of my closet is now burning up. I have bought naughty outfits, massage oil, etc etc. It's like I can be whoever I want to be. I swear my husband would never be up for any of this. We take baths, we talk dirty, we eat, drink and then do it all over again. I hope this is not too much info....just trying to paint the picture that I am sure everyone is soooooo familiar with. I thought for sure this would be a fabulous outlet for my old desires, but now, I really crave him. This is much harder than dating. I feel like a trapped animal when I am not with him. I need him. i need his touch. This was supposed to be hot sex and nothing else. What is happening to me? I feel like I should end it, because I am building some fantasy life in my head where he sweeps me out of my house of boredom and becomes my hero.....but I do realize, deep down somewhere, that this kind of high energy passion doesn't last and is not the kind of thing that allows real life in, right, like fighting about the mortgage payment or yelling about being out of toothpaste. That just isn't sexy. But this is. Lace stockings and bubble baths are. Sneaking out is sexy. My question is....how long does/can this last. When does everyone end it.....or do they. This is unchartered territory for me. I am a little disappointed that I strayed, but not enough to stop out of guilt. My appetite for him is HUGE. Do I sound awful.....do I just keep going, have fun and be careful.....and realize that this IS a fantasy and not reality. Any advice welcome....thanks so much.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Fri, 11-28-2008 - 8:07pm
ditto



Edited 6/16/2009 6:35 am ET by theeternal
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2008
Mon, 12-08-2008 - 4:54pm
Wow - it's like I just read a story of my life. I agree with a lot of what others have said. I've ridden the roller coaster ride & continue my A for 8 years. I don't see us ever having an open relationship. I am M, AP has a GF & we are all friends. I do love my husband and live the dull boring family life. When possible, I do enjoy spending time with AP and the thrilling feelings that it gives.

Pages