new here...question about FWB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
new here...question about FWB
6
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:32pm

Hi there,

I am new to the boards. I am STBD and have a FWB that I have been seeing for almost 4 weeks now. He's great and honestly a perfect match for me and my situation. He is M and has no designs on leaving his W. I have no interest in a love relationship just a diversion while I go through the divorce. So far, we are really compatible in both what we are after and sexually.

We have no rules or expectations other than respect and discretion. But, here is my problem. I know that he had an A that lasted 3.5 years and the OW wanted him to leave his W. He refused and I assumed that he ended the A. But, I am not 100% sure as I am getting the information from a friend and not him. I have not addressed it with him because up until now, felt it was none of my business and had no affect on me or our current situation.

Well, this week, I had asked if he wanted to go to a concert with me on Friday and he told me he would love to but that he was going to (name of town) on that day. I didn't think much about it but did see that the woman that I suspect is that OW posted on FB that she is in (name of that town) for the week. Hmmmm

We then had a conversation about what we were doing during the week and he mentioned going to (name of another state very close) to see a friend sky dive on Friday. I said, oh, I thought you were going to (name of that town)? He said yes, he was, after he got back from that other place. Really? You are going to drive 3-4 hours to that state and then 4-6 hours back and to that other town? weird

So, I can't stop thinking about it. Is it unreasonable for me to expect someone with whom I only have a FWB relationship with and who is cheating on his W to be honest with me? I have told him that due to the nature of our relationship, we don't need drama, we don't need to play games and we have nothing to lose by being honest. He agreed.

My concern is that we are having unprotected sex and I am really NOT ok with sleeping with 'the world' if he is also sleeping with this OW. What would you do??

I am seeing him tonight and want to address my concerns but not sure if I should just let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2009
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:41pm

"So, I can't stop thinking about it. Is it unreasonable for me to expect someone with whom I only have a FWB relationship with and who is cheating on his W to be honest with me?"


I'm sorry, but somehow the quote above made me laugh out loud.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:47pm
wow, really? did I actually deserve that harshness?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:49pm

your concerns are valid. i think, since you plan to be intimate with him for the foreseeble future, you should tell him that you know about his past, and that you want to make sure she's out of the picture. the problem is he may just say/lie that it's over between her and him, so he can sleep with you, and then what do you do? too late now to switch to protected sex, sending all sorts of weird signals.

whether he's in a current R w/ his other AP is your business if you are having unprotected sex with him. however, you won't know whether he'll tell you the truth or not.

--

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2009
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 1:33pm

Sorry you felt my response was harsh....


I do disagree with Nevereasy in regards to it being too late to switch to protected sex..IMO, it's never too late

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 1:39pm

I'm sorry if mia's response sounded harsh - I don't think she meant it that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 7:18am

(new user name... this is ajsmom)

Thank you for your support. I talked with him last night and it's all good. He assures me that he is not sleeping with anyone else and that if he were interested in doing so, he would talk to me/tell me first which is what he would want from me as well. Given that he has the same concerns that I do, I believe him. He was/is willing to be tested and to use protection if I want him to.