new here....slightly lost and confused..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
new here....slightly lost and confused..
1
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 1:32pm
hi all - i've been reading around and looking for a place to vent, and for people that can give me insight on what i'm going through. i am a sw dating (?) a mm. i put the question because i don't really know what it is. this has been going on for 2 1/2 years. but here's the thing....he wasn't engaged or married when we met, never told me he was dating anyone, and didn't tell me he was engaged until 4 months before the wedding. my instinct was that i hated him and just wanted him out of my life. over the course of the 2 years before i found all of this out i fell head over heels for him. we spent so much time together, he became my best friend. so then here i am feeling so betrayed, and my best friend is the one that betrayed me. i notice a lot of you have "rules" for when it's appropriate to contact each other. we don't have that. he calls me when he wants, and i do the same. we talk every single day and have for the last 2 1/2 years....even on the day he got married. so the new variable in our relationship is that he discusses the problems he has with his wife, and that hurts me so much. i love this man and had thought for the longest time that we were gonna be together forever...so now being the counselor for the marital problems (of which there are many) just breaks my heart. we've tried to stop it, but we can't stay away from each other. we never stay angry more than a couple of hours if we disagree. lately i've been in such a depression over all of this though. i'm not content to look at it as just something on the side....because it was never that for me. he tells me what a mistake it was to get married, has told me that he should have married me...but it seems evident to me that no matter what happens he's not leaving her. and i can't emotionally or physically take much more. but then i go back to i love him and don't want him out of my life. please help!!?? or at least let me know that i'm not the only one hurting over it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:13pm
hello lostdestiny. i'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you must know that your original SM, now MM made you #2 because he wasn't honest with you from the beginning of your R. MM picked another woman over you, married her and is now using you as a sounding board for his "marital" problems AND taking advantage of you by stringing you along emotionally AND sleeping with you too! boy, oh boy, MM has it all, doesn't he?

and what do you have? crumbs of his time and attention for just you!! no wonder you can hardly bear this R anymore! you've been hurt, disrespected, lied to, betrayed and taken advantage of, so why are you still with this man -- because "i love him" and "don't want him out of my life!" lost, if that is really true for you, then you will stay in this dead-end R with a man who chose another woman to marry, that he made a mistake doing so, and tells you that, along with all his other problems!

you are obviously young and single and can have a wonderful life with a man who respects, love and cherishes you, FOR YOU ONLY!

think about it -- do you want to waste more good years of your life chasing a man who doesn't put you first on any level? i'm sorry to be so blunt with you, but this man is really taking advantage of your "love" and you are receiving no benefit from being in this situation.

this is just my opinion, but you really should move on and start dating other men. hopefully, you will be open eventually to finding a man to love and who will love you in return!

gurl