new lease / big mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
new lease / big mess
54
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:05am
Well, first of all, thanks to everyone for their support these last two weeks. I've gotten quite a few laughs and gained a lot of insight as I've spent more time here.

Friday night I went out with a friend who told me his troubles and pending divorce story. Over $100k in gambling losses from his W... made me feel like a real heel. Then I told him the entire story of mine, the A and everything. Funny, here's a guy who has lost all of this but when I told him about my M and how it's been he felt bad for me.

His advice was the last in a long line of peoples' advice that suggested my own place while getting through all of this. In fact, the only person who hasn't suggested it or agreed with it is the OW...

So I went over there afterwards to tell her that I felt really good, that I really knew I had to get my own place in order to smartly end things in my M but still have time to spend with the OW. Finally, despite being scared to death and mostly way over my head, I had a real plan I could believe in and execute.

Guess what. She doesn't like it. In fact, it doesn't appear that she's going to be happy with anything short of my moving in with her. And not just moving in, but also taking her out and meeting most of my friends and family... basically she won't be happy unless she gets to be the new W. I don't know if this is a change in her meds last week, self defense, fear or what... and she can't tell me. She just says that she isn't sure if even my moving in would be enough now, that she really doesn't want to remain a secret a minute longer.

I understand she feels hurt and upset that I'm not where I thought I'd be right now. But I now have a lease on an apartment 2 blocks from hers so I can see her even more often, and I'm not pulling away from her at all. Instead I'm still taking care of her financially, driving her around while her car is down, and basically putting myself through all of this so we can be together soon. And now she says she doesn't know if it will be enough.

Guess I'm just angry because I feel like I gave my W years to try to come around, and now she takes me serious since I've said I'm done and moving out. Then the OW gave me a few months when I've taken her serious the whole time and tried to do everything I could to prove to her that we have a future.

I'm so angry with everyone this morning. I guess the bright side is I have my keys to the new place and I'll be moving out this week, and then everyone can just bite me. I've tried so hard for so long to be good to the people I care about, I'm looking forward to sitting on *my* couch, watching *my* TV, and trying to be happy for myself.

Thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to raise your hand and chime in if you're sick of living for other people.

rain

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:08am
YAY! to your couch and your TV, esp to *your* remote. Stand your ground Rain. Sometimes like this its better to be stubborn and stand your ground than getting burnt in the end. Try to think of the long term picture. Good luck!
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:17am
Man you are going through SO MUCH!! HANG IN THERE!!! I am an OW whose MM said he would leave his W and marry me but in the end he couldn't do it. I would thank God and my lucky stars if he was willing to move out and just give us a chance at a "regular" relationship. It is kind of sucky she is being so hard on you. But i am sure she is feeling scared and nervous too.

Having your own place IS the best idea i bet. You do need some time and space, someplace you can retreat to to think and be alone.

All i can say is, i KNOW my MM feels alot like you do. No matter he does he can't win. When he's making me happy he's hurting W and when he's making W happy he's hurting me. We have a joke, he's going to leave me and W, live in a box and eat grass LOL. He is at a point where nothing he choses will make him happy, he loves me and W too much. He will be hurt no matter how it goes. That's kind of sad, but at least he recognizes it.

We all take one day at a time. i know my MM feels alot like you do if it helps. Move in and have yourself a beer and pizza welcome to your new apartment party with your-self! LOL!!

Hang in, you're doing great, we're proud of you and you should be proud too!

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:35am
My hand is up, I definitely have times where all I want is my own place with no one else, no H, no kids, NOT EVEN THE DOG!!!

You are making the right decision to be on your own, work things out in your head about what you really want, and don't let the OW push you into a decision you're not ready for yet.

She should be more understanding what you're going thru. And you are going to be so close to her, why should she complain?

Maybe once she sees that things are good between you, she will settle down and give you the time you need.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:43am
My hands are raised although my rhetoric is slightly different. I will continue caring and living for the people I love BUT I will act needy and imperfect WHEN the time arises for such behavior since when my love reservoirs don’t get filled up, I have nothing to give to anybody else.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:50am

Hugs, Rain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:12am
Rain, I don't know. I am not sick of living for someone else and I don't think I will ever be. Your and my situations, albeit reversed, have so much in common it's not even funny. I am right where you other woman is at present and I completely understand what she is going through. Try to explain to her - firmly but lovingly why you consider just dating and not moving in together yet to be the best solution for the two of you for the time being. Even if she doesn't understand and fully agree with your reasoning she will have to accept your decision and respect it. I am sure she will, just give her time. And be gentle – her emotions are running out of control, to be sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:16am
Rain,

Good luck to you and I am happy you are doing things for YOU!!! Make yourself #1 for a change! We are here if you need us...

Cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:32am
Well I'd like to chime in with a note of congratulations and take some time to reflect on a very important fact- you have been living for someone else for a very long time, you have been sacrificing yourself and your feelings to make someone else happy, and you have done the hardest step for any person- you CHANGED that behavior and made a choice for yourself. You chose something that based upon all the facts was a wise and careful decision. So I say congratulations. Now the next best thing is that you are setting the guidelines for your new relationship if it is with OW- you have told her you need some time and space for yourself while you work thru divorce with your wife because you owe it to your wife after all these years to do this the right way. You are leaving your wife who for all intents and purposes says she still loves you and if it was up to her you two would stay together- your OW wants to add to your wife's pain and misery by throwing herself into your wife's face?!?! No way! Stick to your guns and set the future path now- unless you want to be controlled by your second wife just like your first. I see a lot of sympathy for the OW on this board which is certainly justifiable but I think some of the similiarities between your wife and OW are a little alarming as far as the control issue goes. I definitely think she could be more understanding- tell her that this is not about how you feel about her. You know you love her and there is no doubt. This is about the situation you are in right now and taking care of things so that you are setting a long term future with as little pain as possible for those involved. You are thinking long term and she is focused on the short term- this screams to me that YOU are acting as a responsible and mature adult. I feel she is being incredibly short sighted, demanding and inconsiderate- sorry but JMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:50am


(((((((((RAIN))))))))))))

Hi there,

I'm sorry she didn't take your decision well. :( The others have given some good reasons that she might be bucking, and I can tell you that I hate the secrecy, so I can almost understand _that_ part, but stick to your guns, Rain. I can tell you that even when MM and I were actively talking about him leaving, I wouldn't tell him that we would move in together right off. Healing after a divorce requires time and I want him to be whole and happy. I want him to be ready to come to me with confidence that he's done everything as right as he can, so we can focus on building on a good foundation.

Congratulations on making the decision that's right for you. Its not easy, and I'm sure you're going to have some tough times still to go through, but we're here for you and if you need anything, please let us know.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:45pm
I agree with all of this completely.

I would also add that your OW is unknowingly asking for a failed R. If you were to move in with her right now, you would not have had the time necessary to grieve the end of your M. Even if you want out, you will need that time. I'm about a month and a half behind you in the process right now, but my OW isn't being demanding. She is thrilled at the prospect of us being able to see one another and date without having to worry about me going home to my W. She knows we can't just jump in and live together or get engaged. She knows we have to build this R more slowly, even though we're already completely in love and would like nothing better than to be together every day. Ultimately I believe this is the only way to build something real and lasting.

I do understand how she feels. My OW does have her friends and family around her at least. Your OW has given up all of that to be close to you. But I'm a little concerned if she doesn't have friends where she lives now. I'm afraid there is a possiblity she may be a bit too needy. Maybe it will get better when she is able to date you publicly and not have to keep secrets. But this is yet another reason to proceed with caution. If she can't accept that, you'll unfortunately have to call her bluff. Hopefully she'll relent and be more reasonable.

Either way, I'm so proud of you for taking that huge step and moving out. To be honest, I'm very much looking forward to getting there myself. To have my own space and my own life is something that while scary, is very exciting. I know most of it will probably be mundane, but it will be MY mundane existence! :)

Take this time and work through your feelings raining. You're doing everything right. Don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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