new lease / big mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
new lease / big mess
54
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:05am
Well, first of all, thanks to everyone for their support these last two weeks. I've gotten quite a few laughs and gained a lot of insight as I've spent more time here.

Friday night I went out with a friend who told me his troubles and pending divorce story. Over $100k in gambling losses from his W... made me feel like a real heel. Then I told him the entire story of mine, the A and everything. Funny, here's a guy who has lost all of this but when I told him about my M and how it's been he felt bad for me.

His advice was the last in a long line of peoples' advice that suggested my own place while getting through all of this. In fact, the only person who hasn't suggested it or agreed with it is the OW...

So I went over there afterwards to tell her that I felt really good, that I really knew I had to get my own place in order to smartly end things in my M but still have time to spend with the OW. Finally, despite being scared to death and mostly way over my head, I had a real plan I could believe in and execute.

Guess what. She doesn't like it. In fact, it doesn't appear that she's going to be happy with anything short of my moving in with her. And not just moving in, but also taking her out and meeting most of my friends and family... basically she won't be happy unless she gets to be the new W. I don't know if this is a change in her meds last week, self defense, fear or what... and she can't tell me. She just says that she isn't sure if even my moving in would be enough now, that she really doesn't want to remain a secret a minute longer.

I understand she feels hurt and upset that I'm not where I thought I'd be right now. But I now have a lease on an apartment 2 blocks from hers so I can see her even more often, and I'm not pulling away from her at all. Instead I'm still taking care of her financially, driving her around while her car is down, and basically putting myself through all of this so we can be together soon. And now she says she doesn't know if it will be enough.

Guess I'm just angry because I feel like I gave my W years to try to come around, and now she takes me serious since I've said I'm done and moving out. Then the OW gave me a few months when I've taken her serious the whole time and tried to do everything I could to prove to her that we have a future.

I'm so angry with everyone this morning. I guess the bright side is I have my keys to the new place and I'll be moving out this week, and then everyone can just bite me. I've tried so hard for so long to be good to the people I care about, I'm looking forward to sitting on *my* couch, watching *my* TV, and trying to be happy for myself.

Thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to raise your hand and chime in if you're sick of living for other people.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:00pm
Not that I want to argue, just trying to understand. I've seen it a lot here - make yourself happy, live for yourself, do what you think is best for you. Is it just me? Getting old and becoming overly sappy? Is it so terribly wrong of me to want to put her happiness before my own?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:29pm
WTG - I truly agree with your decision for your own place - living on your own - finding yourself - and getting to know the new you before moving in with OW.

For those of you that know my story, this may come as a surprise, but I am my husband's OW.

He wasn't married when we met (worked together), but he did get married and 2 months later we began our A. I was 17 he was 21. They were high school sweethearts who had been together for 6 years (living together 4 years) before marriage. They were only married for 11 months - she moved out - I moved in! We've been together ever since - 20 years this year.

The only reason I am revealing that story is, I have often thought (especially as I grew older) that my H should have had some time to himself. To figure himself out. We would probably have a much better relationship today. Instead, I was right there by his side, my nose in his business, all through the messy divorce (I was named in the divorce papers), putting in my naive 18 year old 2 cents. I'm sure he really could have done without that. The pressure of two women - I'm surprise he didn't check himself into the loony bin.

The other reason that I'm revealing this, is to let mefreenow, that I am also experienced - more than I would like to be!!!

Anyway rain, have a great time in your new place. Don't let anyone pressure you. Give your love freely, but don't let it be taken for granted.

((((rain))))


Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:10pm
First, thanks so much for everyone's feedback. I can't believe how lucky I am to have found this outlet a few weeks ago. I really was going crazy with no one to share my thoughts with.

I talked to the OW at lunch and just told her the truth: I think we have a very good chance of having a successful R, but that I won't be bullied or threatened into making a move I don't believe to be right. I told her I'd work every bit as hard for us to make it as I did my M but that I won't be reduced to begging (experience has shown me that such activity reduces my willingness to try.) She is trying to understand, and that's really all I can ask her to do.

And to boston who said, "make yourself happy, live for yourself, do what you think is best for you. Is it just me? Getting old and becoming overly sappy? Is it so terribly wrong of me to want to put her happiness before my own?"

I'm not really wired to put myself first. I want my OW to be happy (and my W too, so long as she moves on.)I'm absolutely willing to work to make the OW happy, that's one of the reasons I know I love her.

If I could so easily live for myself and do what was best for me I'd have moved out on my W six months ago, then I wouldn't be dealing with the OW problems. I'm just not willing to start up another 10 year R/5 year M on the premise that I will ignore my happiness to make someone else happy. It didn't work last time.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:43pm
I wish you all the best, Rain. And thanks for your post. It makes me feel much better to see that someone else is thinking the way I am and doesn't find it wrong to care for a woman more than for himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:44pm
Hm- should you put the OW before yourself in love? You know when I responded to raining the way I did I meant that we have to learn to take care of ourselves if we are to be truly happy in life. I'm going to go ahead and disagree with Boston here but this is my explanation. There is no doubt that I worship the ground my OW walks on and that I would do ANYTHING for her. She has even admitted to me that I probably love her more than she loves me simply because I have a greater capacity for it. However, if I didn't take care of myself and keep myself first as much as possible then who am I?? She would be in love with the love I give her- NOT the person that I am. Therefore I focus on who I am and being the best I can FOR her. She loves me not only because I worship her but because she is in love with the person doing the worshipping. How's that for an explanation?? LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 5:02pm
Hi Rain!!! I just wanted to say that I wish you all the best on this new endeavor. Sometimes space and "alone-ness" are the perfect thing to help heal your heart and soul. With this newfound space, you will be able to think more clearly, and basically be in charge of your own life. Sometimes I miss the days when I lived alone, and could come and go as I pleased and have total and complete FREEDOM!!! Enjoy!!! :)

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 5:15pm
Oh, I don't disagree with you. I would never want "mercy love" and I know the difference, and I believe that she loves me for who I am, not just for the love I lavish on her. What I mean is when it comes to her happiness, her wellbeing and her interests versus mine I would put her first without hesitation. Actually just loving her and being with her makes me a better person because she inspires me like no one ever has or will.


Edited 3/29/2004 6:17 pm ET ET by boston53
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:23pm
boston, I understand what you're saying, believe me. I've always been a giver in R's. But I think sometimes when we're wired like that, we tend to overlook our own needs. That is how I got where I am in my M. I've taken that knowledge and promised myself I won't fall into that trap again. I think raining and stars have it right here. Of course you want to make the one you love happy. But you have to progress the right way if you can. I'm not judging anyone retroactively here. If you moved in with someone right after you or they ended a M or R, then I'm sure that is something you can work through and make work. But I think given the opportunity, like raining is, he should take a little time to live by himself and move forward with his OW without all the baggage his M would bring to the table. I know that is what I hope to do.

Once again I'm amazed by the insight and thoughtfulness in a thread on this board. Bravo everyone. And guys, I wish you all lived closer because it would be nice to have some friends that understand what it means to be a man but still be considerate and sensitive. At least it is good to know I'm not alone. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:49pm
>I wish you all lived closer because

>it would be nice to have some friends

>that understand what it means to be a

>man but still be considerate and sensitive.

... and straight. Please don't forget straight. If I had a dollar for every time I was questioned about that... I could buy myself something frilly.


rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:59pm
I believe there is about 20 years age difference between you an me, if not more. You have your life ahead of you - what's one more year or two? I don't have this luxury. Maybe that's why this whole situation is taking such a huge toll on me. No, we do not live together. She is separated and will be staying with a girlfriend until her divorce is final. This is so not the way I want it to be. But if that's what works best for her then that's how it will be.

Oh well, I guess I am just feeling a bit down today and rambling on. Sorry. It's just too damn hard to make it through the night at times.