new lease / big mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
new lease / big mess
54
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:05am
Well, first of all, thanks to everyone for their support these last two weeks. I've gotten quite a few laughs and gained a lot of insight as I've spent more time here.

Friday night I went out with a friend who told me his troubles and pending divorce story. Over $100k in gambling losses from his W... made me feel like a real heel. Then I told him the entire story of mine, the A and everything. Funny, here's a guy who has lost all of this but when I told him about my M and how it's been he felt bad for me.

His advice was the last in a long line of peoples' advice that suggested my own place while getting through all of this. In fact, the only person who hasn't suggested it or agreed with it is the OW...

So I went over there afterwards to tell her that I felt really good, that I really knew I had to get my own place in order to smartly end things in my M but still have time to spend with the OW. Finally, despite being scared to death and mostly way over my head, I had a real plan I could believe in and execute.

Guess what. She doesn't like it. In fact, it doesn't appear that she's going to be happy with anything short of my moving in with her. And not just moving in, but also taking her out and meeting most of my friends and family... basically she won't be happy unless she gets to be the new W. I don't know if this is a change in her meds last week, self defense, fear or what... and she can't tell me. She just says that she isn't sure if even my moving in would be enough now, that she really doesn't want to remain a secret a minute longer.

I understand she feels hurt and upset that I'm not where I thought I'd be right now. But I now have a lease on an apartment 2 blocks from hers so I can see her even more often, and I'm not pulling away from her at all. Instead I'm still taking care of her financially, driving her around while her car is down, and basically putting myself through all of this so we can be together soon. And now she says she doesn't know if it will be enough.

Guess I'm just angry because I feel like I gave my W years to try to come around, and now she takes me serious since I've said I'm done and moving out. Then the OW gave me a few months when I've taken her serious the whole time and tried to do everything I could to prove to her that we have a future.

I'm so angry with everyone this morning. I guess the bright side is I have my keys to the new place and I'll be moving out this week, and then everyone can just bite me. I've tried so hard for so long to be good to the people I care about, I'm looking forward to sitting on *my* couch, watching *my* TV, and trying to be happy for myself.

Thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to raise your hand and chime in if you're sick of living for other people.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:09pm
There you go Rain! You need to take care of yourself first - and getting your own place is a step in the right direction. Yeah, it's scary - but the scariest part is *thinking* about it, not when you're actually doing it.

What is it that has us trying to please others - if we know that we are responsible for our own happiness, how can we also think that if we just keep giving, doing, etc. for others that they will be happy (there's always exceptions, like young children)?

Hmmm...and yes it may be a combination of things that has OW feeling like "it just isn't enough". Maybe she's worried that when you have your own place you'll be "single" again and want to date around - or you'll be busy experiencing life and doing things that make you happy, that you will have less time for her - or maybe the more she has (of you), the more she wants (that's atypical of American's in general I think) - or (and I don't know how long your leaving M has been in the planning) maybe she's "tired of waiting" and wants to cut to the chase. Talk with her, or at least get her to find out on her own, what emotion she is feeling most and go from there.

Between your taking care of OW financially and driving her around, & her not liking your being on your own - and I don't know your OW at all - it sounds like maybe she needs a good dose of self-worth/esteem. Would you be better supporting her in helping her be more independent - like a part-time job if her schedule allows, or finding something new she enjoys for her, etc.?

And Rain, I think you do need to pull away sometimes - to do what you want even without OW (just be sure to tell her, and remind her you love her). We all need to pull away sometimes so we don't loose ourselves.

You're gonna make it, Rain - I can tell because you can look at your friend's situation with the perspective that your situation is not as gloomy. Know that you WILL be happy - with or without what you have now; hopefully sooner rather than later.

You go, guy, lol!

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 8:32am
LOL...yes, and straight. I didn't feel the need to say it because I think it is clear in all of our situations. Plus I'm completely comfortable in my sexuality. To quote Jerry and George (I'm a Seinfeld nut)..."I'm not gay...not that there's anything wrong with that." :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 8:40am
Thanks for making me smile, guys. I needed that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:11am
Rain,

I agree with one of the other posters here. Sorry, if it sounds harsh but your OW does seem very needy and demanding. She is living in an apartment provided by you and you drive her around even though you are not married to her. I would assume that it would be very difficult for people with healthy egos and self-pride to accept such favors from a man who is still officially married to somebody else. I am currently without a job because we are moving and I have accepted job in the other city and am waiting for my house to sell. During this time, I am feeling that I have to contribute a lot in a non-monetary way to compensate for all monetary things my husband does just because my ego and pride wants me to be an equal and not be dependent.

Your OW also now wants to be introduced around to your family without the divorce or separation finalized which just shows her disrespect for your current wife.

Neediness and disrespect are the traits that are visible from your postings. You said that your current wife failed to look after your needs and that you were mostly a giver in that relationship. With what you have mentioned about your OW, you might just be giver in your next relationship too so be careful.

IMHO

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:47am
ack. phillygirl, you're kind of scaring the crap out of me now.

I know part of her neediness and demanding thing lately is a medication switch. This whole depression fighting thing is still new to me, how quickly moods change and such. I'm not about to bail out just because it seems challenging -- every relationship has some challenge.

I guess all I can try to do is be patient and try to explain. Either she'll get it or I'll move on I suppose.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:05am
Rain,

How about telling her what you have told us? Have you told her that you want to take care of YOU?. You need a break from all that taking care of others? How about that? If she really really loves , she might change her mind. NOw is the time to "test" her so as to speak. Also if she changing medications, its another thing to bear in mind. Those things can run your life sometimes. I remember when I changed the doze on my anti-depressant, I almost slept on the wheel on my way to work! Take Care...

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:06am
Rain,

Anti-depressants...another red flag....I would be wary of anybody taking those. There are healthier non-clinical ways to deal with depression. How about finding a job for starters??

Or volunteer work or a hobby to keep one self busy while you work things out.

"Out of the frying pan, into the fire"

Be careful that you don't end up doing that.

PG

PS. I hope you or others don't cling to my throat for saying this but do you really want to start a life with a woman with no life, dependent upon you financially even before you have married her and is clinically depressed? Think about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:44am
Oh boy Philly - I was all set to chime in and compliment you on your previous post until you dove into the depression line. Now I have to chime in on a different vein - Your comment "Anti-depressants...another red flag....I would be wary of anybody taking those. There are healthier non-clinical ways to deal with depression. How about finding a job for starters?? Or volunteer work or a hobby to keep one self busy while you work things out." This is completely irresponsible.

Depression is an illness just like diabetes. Taking anti-depressants is akin to having to take insulin - they help the body control it's chemical levels and keep a person healthy. Finding a job, volunteer work or a hobby are not anywhere near enough to correct misfiring neurotransmitters.

Careful, careful, careful throwing something out when you don't undertand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:52am
I don't think it's a good idea to jump to conclusions and scare the hell out of him without knowing all the details of his situation - which only he knows. I also don't feel terribly comfortable hearing how easily one can label a person as needy and dependent simply because this person is acting differently from what is generally believed to be "right."
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 11:13am
Didn’t intend to start a debate on depression but yes I do understand depression since I belong to the clinical field myself. Diabetes is purely physical where the mind has no control in controlling insulin. Depression is a little different. The major cause for depression is environmental including stress related events or it being the effect of a another drug or illness or pregnancy maybe. A very less percentage of depression sufferers belong to the group where the causes are genetic or chemical where the person may just be prone to an imbalance of neurotransmitters without any environmental causes involved. But even in this second group, many times its environmental effect that triggers the underlying disease. If you go to a counselor and talk about depression, its routine for them to inquire about your life history including any genetic predisposition, illness AND any emotional stressful events going on in your life. Therapy, depending upon illness, may or may not include medications but also severe life changes.

Rain’s OW does seem to have a life pattern where the environmental factors could contribute a lot of her mental illness. She has put her life on hold until her lover makes a decision between her or his wife, doesn’t have a job, has herself and her kids financially dependent upon her lover, those are true environmental factors that could give one depression. Now if these factors had been taken care of and she was still depressed…then the genetic cause could kick in. But she does need to have an active life of her own before you could place the blame of her depression entirely on genetic causes.

IMHO

PG