new lease / big mess
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| Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:05am |
Friday night I went out with a friend who told me his troubles and pending divorce story. Over $100k in gambling losses from his W... made me feel like a real heel. Then I told him the entire story of mine, the A and everything. Funny, here's a guy who has lost all of this but when I told him about my M and how it's been he felt bad for me.
His advice was the last in a long line of peoples' advice that suggested my own place while getting through all of this. In fact, the only person who hasn't suggested it or agreed with it is the OW...
So I went over there afterwards to tell her that I felt really good, that I really knew I had to get my own place in order to smartly end things in my M but still have time to spend with the OW. Finally, despite being scared to death and mostly way over my head, I had a real plan I could believe in and execute.
Guess what. She doesn't like it. In fact, it doesn't appear that she's going to be happy with anything short of my moving in with her. And not just moving in, but also taking her out and meeting most of my friends and family... basically she won't be happy unless she gets to be the new W. I don't know if this is a change in her meds last week, self defense, fear or what... and she can't tell me. She just says that she isn't sure if even my moving in would be enough now, that she really doesn't want to remain a secret a minute longer.
I understand she feels hurt and upset that I'm not where I thought I'd be right now. But I now have a lease on an apartment 2 blocks from hers so I can see her even more often, and I'm not pulling away from her at all. Instead I'm still taking care of her financially, driving her around while her car is down, and basically putting myself through all of this so we can be together soon. And now she says she doesn't know if it will be enough.
Guess I'm just angry because I feel like I gave my W years to try to come around, and now she takes me serious since I've said I'm done and moving out. Then the OW gave me a few months when I've taken her serious the whole time and tried to do everything I could to prove to her that we have a future.
I'm so angry with everyone this morning. I guess the bright side is I have my keys to the new place and I'll be moving out this week, and then everyone can just bite me. I've tried so hard for so long to be good to the people I care about, I'm looking forward to sitting on *my* couch, watching *my* TV, and trying to be happy for myself.
Thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to raise your hand and chime in if you're sick of living for other people.
rain

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To suggest that finding a job will somehow cure clinical depression is not only foolhardy, it is flat out wrong! I suffered from clinical depression and were it not for the medication I took, I still would be. We're talking about a chemical imbalance here, not just someone going through a bad time in their life. A hobby? Volunteer work? Those are fine distractions, but they won't help depression. In fact, if you were suffering from depression, you'd never even begin to have the motivation to do those things. I know I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I quit school and I quit my job. I didn't leave the house.
Ironically I agree with you on the warning signs of this OW. I find the neediness a bit scary. But I was so appalled by your suggestions for depression that I had to focus on that. Sorry.
At the same time, I can't judge raining or boston because I don't know them or their SO's. All we can do is offer advice.
No, she doesn't have a life quite yet. However, she isn't really completely dependent on me... at least, she wouldn't be if she had more friends here, which she hasn't made so far.
She's actually a very giving person, but she has a better limiting system than I have. When people overreach she stops them. She made a few friends when she first got here but two of them really ended up being takers so she cut them off. But your point is well taken in terms of not moving from one taking R to another.
rain
First, Do you personally know every body here in real life and their exact life situation?...you probably don't....but you still manage to posts opinions here based upon what has been disclosed by the poster here. So why can't anybody else have the same opportunity without being attacked by posters of your like?
Secondly, you need to focus on the post itself and not the poster. If you have anything objective or intelligent to say about the debate, post it rather than starting to malign the poster himself or herself because the personal attacks indicate a weak thinking process on your end. Just because your ideology might be different than another poster doesn’t give you the reason to start personal attacks on a poster.
The ignore button is on the left hand of the screen in case you didn't know.
PG
Thanks for considering my opinion. BTW your situation reminded me of a book I read.
Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives
by Laura C. Schlessinger
Sorry about the harsh title :) but there is one quality mentioned there which is basically rescuing a woman in distress that men do a lot and that quality has been debated in that book.
If you get a chance, please do read it.
PG
Anti-depressants...another red flag....I would be wary of anybody taking those. There are healthier non-clinical ways to deal with depression. How about finding a job for starters??
Or volunteer work or a hobby to keep one self busy while you work things out.
"Out of the frying pan, into the fire"
Be careful that you don't end up doing that.
If that is going by some post, I don't know which post you are talking about. I know where the ignore button is thank you.
Thanks for being objective. I will make it a habit to say thanks to everybody who has the ability to debate and post objective opinions about the "situation" and not about the poster.
Anyway, its a matter of not staying passive and trying to get one self out of situations which would contribute to one's bad mental state that is important. Being proactive is what it really comes to.
PG
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