new lease / big mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
new lease / big mess
54
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:05am
Well, first of all, thanks to everyone for their support these last two weeks. I've gotten quite a few laughs and gained a lot of insight as I've spent more time here.

Friday night I went out with a friend who told me his troubles and pending divorce story. Over $100k in gambling losses from his W... made me feel like a real heel. Then I told him the entire story of mine, the A and everything. Funny, here's a guy who has lost all of this but when I told him about my M and how it's been he felt bad for me.

His advice was the last in a long line of peoples' advice that suggested my own place while getting through all of this. In fact, the only person who hasn't suggested it or agreed with it is the OW...

So I went over there afterwards to tell her that I felt really good, that I really knew I had to get my own place in order to smartly end things in my M but still have time to spend with the OW. Finally, despite being scared to death and mostly way over my head, I had a real plan I could believe in and execute.

Guess what. She doesn't like it. In fact, it doesn't appear that she's going to be happy with anything short of my moving in with her. And not just moving in, but also taking her out and meeting most of my friends and family... basically she won't be happy unless she gets to be the new W. I don't know if this is a change in her meds last week, self defense, fear or what... and she can't tell me. She just says that she isn't sure if even my moving in would be enough now, that she really doesn't want to remain a secret a minute longer.

I understand she feels hurt and upset that I'm not where I thought I'd be right now. But I now have a lease on an apartment 2 blocks from hers so I can see her even more often, and I'm not pulling away from her at all. Instead I'm still taking care of her financially, driving her around while her car is down, and basically putting myself through all of this so we can be together soon. And now she says she doesn't know if it will be enough.

Guess I'm just angry because I feel like I gave my W years to try to come around, and now she takes me serious since I've said I'm done and moving out. Then the OW gave me a few months when I've taken her serious the whole time and tried to do everything I could to prove to her that we have a future.

I'm so angry with everyone this morning. I guess the bright side is I have my keys to the new place and I'll be moving out this week, and then everyone can just bite me. I've tried so hard for so long to be good to the people I care about, I'm looking forward to sitting on *my* couch, watching *my* TV, and trying to be happy for myself.

Thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to raise your hand and chime in if you're sick of living for other people.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:27pm
You don't know anything about anybody here, philly. I wouldn't consider your views very objective either. I will accept what you say only if you are my psychiatrist, which you are not, thank god for that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:28pm
Whoa philly...just when we were starting to find common ground...

To suggest that finding a job will somehow cure clinical depression is not only foolhardy, it is flat out wrong! I suffered from clinical depression and were it not for the medication I took, I still would be. We're talking about a chemical imbalance here, not just someone going through a bad time in their life. A hobby? Volunteer work? Those are fine distractions, but they won't help depression. In fact, if you were suffering from depression, you'd never even begin to have the motivation to do those things. I know I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I quit school and I quit my job. I didn't leave the house.

Ironically I agree with you on the warning signs of this OW. I find the neediness a bit scary. But I was so appalled by your suggestions for depression that I had to focus on that. Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:32pm
The environmental factors can and often do trigger the onset of chemical depression. You're right about that. But once the chemical imbalance has begun, no amount of positive experiences is going to cure it. It takes medication to correct that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:34pm
Okay philly..now we're back on the same page. I agree with this 100%. I don't think staying with your spouse is necessarily the answer, but certainly as I move forward, I will not be committing to anyone unless I'm positive that we are compatible. Love can be blinding at times but I plan to learn from my mistakes.

At the same time, I can't judge raining or boston because I don't know them or their SO's. All we can do is offer advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:55pm
just a quick reply to phillygirl (who mean well in replying to me and is now taking some heat)

No, she doesn't have a life quite yet. However, she isn't really completely dependent on me... at least, she wouldn't be if she had more friends here, which she hasn't made so far.

She's actually a very giving person, but she has a better limiting system than I have. When people overreach she stops them. She made a few friends when she first got here but two of them really ended up being takers so she cut them off. But your point is well taken in terms of not moving from one taking R to another.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:09pm
"You don't know anything about anybody here, philly"

First, Do you personally know every body here in real life and their exact life situation?...you probably don't....but you still manage to posts opinions here based upon what has been disclosed by the poster here. So why can't anybody else have the same opportunity without being attacked by posters of your like?

Secondly, you need to focus on the post itself and not the poster. If you have anything objective or intelligent to say about the debate, post it rather than starting to malign the poster himself or herself because the personal attacks indicate a weak thinking process on your end. Just because your ideology might be different than another poster doesn’t give you the reason to start personal attacks on a poster.

The ignore button is on the left hand of the screen in case you didn't know.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:14pm
Hey, Omaha, I don't really care whether or not I am being judged. Now when my SO is getting judged, especially by someone who doesn't know her at all - THAT I have a big problem with. I believe we should let this thread die. Philly is clearly getting a kick out of all the attention that is paid to her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:14pm
Hey rain,

Thanks for considering my opinion. BTW your situation reminded me of a book I read.

Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives

by Laura C. Schlessinger

Sorry about the harsh title :) but there is one quality mentioned there which is basically rescuing a woman in distress that men do a lot and that quality has been debated in that book.

If you get a chance, please do read it.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:16pm
You turning tables on me phiily?? It is you who wrote:

Anti-depressants...another red flag....I would be wary of anybody taking those. There are healthier non-clinical ways to deal with depression. How about finding a job for starters??

Or volunteer work or a hobby to keep one self busy while you work things out.

"Out of the frying pan, into the fire"

Be careful that you don't end up doing that.


If that is going by some post, I don't know which post you are talking about. I know where the ignore button is thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:18pm
Omaha,

Thanks for being objective. I will make it a habit to say thanks to everybody who has the ability to debate and post objective opinions about the "situation" and not about the poster.

Anyway, its a matter of not staying passive and trying to get one self out of situations which would contribute to one's bad mental state that is important. Being proactive is what it really comes to.

PG