New, Lost, Hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
New, Lost, Hurting
23
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 7:46pm
Hello there.... I am new here and am completely at a loss as to what to do in my affair. I am the other woman with a married man. We began as best friends for two years, ended up in a four year affair until he got the news that his wife was pregnant. Of course he insists that they are intimate very rarely and that this was not intended or planned, simply a mistake because we were planning on spending the rest of our lives together after some things fell into place and he could divorce.

Anyway, he walked away from our affair for several months until just recently. Of course the baby has been born, he still isn't happy (supposedly) and he misses me and having me in his life. We never actually cut all contact during this period of time but our conversations were not pleasant because of the hurt I felt over the whole thing. So, that brings me to now.

Last week we had talked and decided to try to work things out and take things really slow because I explained to him that I no longer trusted him or what he said simply from the chain of events that took place with his wife becoming pregnant and saying one thing, doing another - continuing to tell me he loved me but had to try to make his marriage work because of the kids, that he didn't want me to wait any longer for him because he could not guarantee me anything now because of this baby (it was thought that they could not have children, BTW).

He came over and of course we fell into bed with one another which I now wish I had not but this is a man that I have loved with all of my heart for so long and I just wanted to be with him again. Well, it of course brought me to some questions about where him and his wife are and needless to say, it didn't go over well and we are not speaking - again. I asked if he still desired his wife, sexually and had intentions on continuing to have sex with her, etc. His answer to me was that yes, he still desires her but not anything like he used to, yes he is going to remain in the marriage for now because he still doesn't know that he has made every effort to make his marriage work BUT that although he loves her he is in love with me and can't stand to be without me. I of course, after all of the pain, tears, anger, hurt, etc. of the last several months, am feeling a tad intimidated about all of this and told him that I didn't know what I wanted to do because being with me obviously was not the ultimate goal and that his love for me had changed even if he doesn't want to say that to me. He told me that it isn't about her and that if there were no children involved, they would be divorced but yet he is also telling me that he loves her and still desires her sexually. My last response to him (in email) I guess wasn't what he wanted to deal with so now - he is just ignoring me.

I don't understand any of this. I don't even understand what possessed me to even tell him that yes, I would try to get past what happened and start over. I don't even know at this point if he really does love me or if it is just about the sex and I am the stupidest woman on earth. His wife doesn't love him - he knows it, he talks about it with mutual friends of ours as well as he had told me that for the first time in his life, he felt loved completely when he was with me.

I guess I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation in their affairs and if I really do have to say goodbye to the love of my life. He says I am the love of his life and have his heart and soul. Is this really the way one treats someone they say they are "in love" with and is the love of their life? What do I do? Relegate myself to either nothing with him or become a FB and forget the rest of what happened between the two of us before the baby?

Sorry this is so long but I just don't know what I am supposed to do. There I waited for him to come back to me, he did, and I had to ask questions for my own self-preservation and now........

Anyway, if anyone has any advice or experiences that can help me make sence of this, I would appreciate it. I need to get my thoughts focused and right now I am just scattered and wanting to shut down.

Thanks to all in advance!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 8:10pm
HI QUEEN

A I am going to say is take care of yourself first, do what will make you happy in the long term.

Study the evidence and try to make logical decisions , that will best advance your self-preservation.

I am sure you will get lots of help here.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 9:08pm
Thank you for responding, free.

Regarding your suggestion of taking care of myself first for what will make me happy in the long run, I don't know that what I want is even feasible anymore. I used to believe that him and I would be spending our lives together. But the fact that he finally has his own child, which he wanted so badly, I kind of wonder if the damage done to our relationship is just too much, for both of us. Like I said, I question what our relationship is, was, everything and anything now because of the conflicting situation.

I am out of logical decisions it seems even though I am trying. I was miserable without him for all those months but having all the events that brought that about in my mind and the things he has said, I am miserable thinking about the possible consequences for me reinvesting myself in this relationship. I thought I would be happy knowing he wants to still be with me but instead I am confused. I guess I am feeling like he only wants one thing from me now and it wasn't like that before.

Thanks again for responding, free. I look forward to the advice and experiences of those here.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 9:25pm
HI Confused

It sound like you have an idea were you stand with MM ,I am trying not to put any of my own into your head because I think you already know the answers to the questions that you have and at this point are not ready to deal with them.

Perhaps finding web sites that have info on EMAs and stats my help you understand were you are at right now.

There is a stat posted on this board that says that only 2.5 percent of couples that have an A and get together afterword make a long term go of the relationship(the number of men that leave the M for the AP is less then that stat.

Luv posted a wonderfull post to my "thread why did I want to believe him" it is the last one I think and a very good read.

I will suggest that you stand back and rethink if you want to reinvest yourself in this EMA, as hard as it was to be without him being with him in a relationship that has only a small chance of haveing a future could be far harder.

I am glad I do not have to make the decisions you do


FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:17pm
Queen, wow, you must be hurting.....but, surely you realized that when you enter into a relationship that is not honest from the beginning~~well, hurt is going to be expected. By honest, I mean, you and your boyfriend engaging in a relationship when he is married....most of these types of affairs dont really end on a happy note.....can a person really trust their new partner when the partner is not being honest with their spouse.....surely not. I just couldnt fathom dating a married person in hopes of marrying them myself and then not wonder on a daily basis if the new partner is doing to me what they did to their last partner......honesty isnt a choice one makes when the mood strikes them~~but it is a daily choice for those that dont take marriage vows to heart. Not many wives/husbands are willing to give up on their cheating spouse and roll over and hand it all to the "other" person......not too mention that many spouses cheat with someone else because they have no responsibility to that someone else....therefore have no committment and can come and go as they please.....its a no win situation for everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:27pm
Hello Free,

Thank you for the reference to your thread. I read the one you spoke of and some of the others. The post is a good read but makes me feel even more depressed. I hate myself for even getting into the affair so long ago - not something I had ever done before and will NEVER do again. I wish that we had only remained best friends because not only do I lose the love affair but I lose a friendship that I cherished.

I guess at this point there isn't anything else I can do.

Thanks again, Free, for taking the time.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:45pm
Hello afriend4life, thank you for taking the time to respond.

To be honest, I didn't know what to expect because I had never been in an affair before. Him and I were best friends and I had even tried to help him when he had questions about his marriage and what was wrong with it and different ways he could try to fix it. After two years of our friendship, something just happened between us and it has never left.

I guess maybe I wanted to believe that I could be the exception and that what we had was genuine because our friendship was so important to the both of us. When the relationship got serious, he was the first one to say the I love yous and all. We never fought except when our schedules were busy and we didn't get much time together. That didn't happen often though because we always tried to make some kind of time even if all we could do was email. This is someone that is close to my children and has taken time to build relationships with them. They idolize him.

I am so lost. I honestly thought that when him and I decided to work things out that at least the things he would say about his wife would be the same - not that he loves her while continuing to tell me that he is "in love" with me - even making that distinction. I guess I don't know what I expected. I really should not have expected anything and when the W got pregnant and we stopped the affair, I should let my emotions run the course and got him out of my system. Instead, now the pain of that period of time and now seems to have put me even further down and hurts so much more.

I would like to say that I know he loves me and that it is all just bad timing in our lives, etc. but then again - how foolish is that considering the reality of the OW only being fun - not love, right?

Sorry I am babbling. Thank you again for taking the time to respond. Maybe in typing it all out it will help me to see things differently.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:30am
not all is lost, one thing you will hopefully always have are the memories of the good times together and the way you felt then. chances are that in the future you'll be to look in your heart and smile, after the hurt is gone, and it will go away eventually. im in my 2nd ema, but the first one, and oh what a liar he was, did amazing things for me. changed my whole career even. i recently received an email from him, my first thought was "oh this bastard again". i didnt reply, but i did take half a day to think about what good things came from it. take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 12:07pm
hi queen and welcome!

i'm going to say this straight out -- RUN VERY FAST AWAY FROM MM IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! he's made his decision, to stay married, have children and a real life with the W. you are single, right? you've had what 6-7 years with MM trying to make the R work somehow. you are worse off now then when the R started because you're deeply emotionally involved, have a bunch of broken promises laying at your feet and still going to bed alone!

honey, it's time to cut bait on this guy and actually mean it! MM has shown you the way, all you have to do is walk the path!

i'm sorry to be so blunt, but i just can't say nice things about a man who trashes any person's life and then tries to worm his way back with sweet words. do not let this man near you again. move on and date other guys. you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect!

just say no.....


gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 3:24pm
Thank you everyone for your responses.

Gurl, thank you for being blunt - I don't want for people to not tell me like it is. You all are the experienced ones at this, I am not. I am merely a very stupid person who truly thought there was more to our relationship. I feel so foolish and alone now and part of me wonders if I don't deserve it since he was a married man. The life we had talked about having together, the children we talked about having together, the future. I guess I just don't understand why after all this time he would still be saying all of this if it really doesn't mean anything.

Today he contacted me and wanted to know why I was so distant. All I could do was cry and tell him I would talk to him later.

Thanks again to everyone offering advice. It is appreciated.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 3:30pm
girl, cry all you want to -- you're disappointed and hurt! get it all out, you'll feel better for it.

but the bottom line is -- you have to move on. let MM know how you feel (please, no screaming and yelling!) and that he has made his choice and you are making your own choice to move on and have a full, fulfilling life. MM cannot give you that. please don't waste anymore of your precious time waiting for him.

live your life!!

gurl

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