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| Tue, 01-06-2004 - 7:46pm |
Anyway, he walked away from our affair for several months until just recently. Of course the baby has been born, he still isn't happy (supposedly) and he misses me and having me in his life. We never actually cut all contact during this period of time but our conversations were not pleasant because of the hurt I felt over the whole thing. So, that brings me to now.
Last week we had talked and decided to try to work things out and take things really slow because I explained to him that I no longer trusted him or what he said simply from the chain of events that took place with his wife becoming pregnant and saying one thing, doing another - continuing to tell me he loved me but had to try to make his marriage work because of the kids, that he didn't want me to wait any longer for him because he could not guarantee me anything now because of this baby (it was thought that they could not have children, BTW).
He came over and of course we fell into bed with one another which I now wish I had not but this is a man that I have loved with all of my heart for so long and I just wanted to be with him again. Well, it of course brought me to some questions about where him and his wife are and needless to say, it didn't go over well and we are not speaking - again. I asked if he still desired his wife, sexually and had intentions on continuing to have sex with her, etc. His answer to me was that yes, he still desires her but not anything like he used to, yes he is going to remain in the marriage for now because he still doesn't know that he has made every effort to make his marriage work BUT that although he loves her he is in love with me and can't stand to be without me. I of course, after all of the pain, tears, anger, hurt, etc. of the last several months, am feeling a tad intimidated about all of this and told him that I didn't know what I wanted to do because being with me obviously was not the ultimate goal and that his love for me had changed even if he doesn't want to say that to me. He told me that it isn't about her and that if there were no children involved, they would be divorced but yet he is also telling me that he loves her and still desires her sexually. My last response to him (in email) I guess wasn't what he wanted to deal with so now - he is just ignoring me.
I don't understand any of this. I don't even understand what possessed me to even tell him that yes, I would try to get past what happened and start over. I don't even know at this point if he really does love me or if it is just about the sex and I am the stupidest woman on earth. His wife doesn't love him - he knows it, he talks about it with mutual friends of ours as well as he had told me that for the first time in his life, he felt loved completely when he was with me.
I guess I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation in their affairs and if I really do have to say goodbye to the love of my life. He says I am the love of his life and have his heart and soul. Is this really the way one treats someone they say they are "in love" with and is the love of their life? What do I do? Relegate myself to either nothing with him or become a FB and forget the rest of what happened between the two of us before the baby?
Sorry this is so long but I just don't know what I am supposed to do. There I waited for him to come back to me, he did, and I had to ask questions for my own self-preservation and now........
Anyway, if anyone has any advice or experiences that can help me make sence of this, I would appreciate it. I need to get my thoughts focused and right now I am just scattered and wanting to shut down.
Thanks to all in advance!

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I'd have to agree with gurl. I was in a 3-year R (it wasn't an A for either fo us) with a wonderful guy, who to this day I truly believed loved me and whom I loved, but ultimately he ended it when I gave him an ultimatum. I gave him the ultimatum because I honestly believe if a person doesn't know after areasonably long period of time that you're what they want and make a move to make it happen, it's because they don't want you, not the way they need to have a lasting commitment.
On top of that he's saying that he loves his wife but he's "in love" with you. That's just splitting hairs. He just wants to have his cake and eat it to. Whatever might have been real between you sounds like it's over now.
Of course, your the only person who can really answer the ultimate question. Does he make you happy more then he makes you cry? Because sweety if your cryin ore then your smilin it just isn't worth it.
Nick
Your probably right - I just need to let go and get him out of my system. For those months when he was with his wife and having the baby I tried so hard to let go but I just never could because even though we weren't seeing each other he was still making sure that I knew he loved me, etc. And now, that he is wanting us to go back to our relationship because he says he can't live without me, he is saying everything possible to convince me (except that he loves his wife) that I am the one he wants to be with and that eventually I won't be the other woman.
I don't understand what he stays in the marriage for and I don't say that out of spite. I know his wife personally, have witnessed them fight and had even heard her tell him she didn't want to have children. But then....... What is horrible is that none of his friends even like her - it isn't just me. The things he says to me about her are bad enough but when everyone else is saying the same things and telling him to leave her - shouldn't this be a clue? She is a miserable woman. What a crock of crap - I still feel the need to defend why he had the affair - I am such a loser!!!
Anyway - thank you again for taking the time to read and respond.
Confused
What is so frustrating is that he used to make me nothing but happy. Now and only since the W became pregnant, did there ever come a time that he made me cry. Maybe that is just him being a good con or maybe you are right, what we had is now gone. I have been in many other relationships and none of those men made me feel the way he did. I believed he was "the one" and that time would see it through. Not only because that is how I felt but because he told me all the time that was how he felt too. And then there is now........ sigh
What hurts the most I think is to have to face that this man probably never loved me and it was a sham, along with our friendship. How could I have been fooled into thinking these things for so long?!?!
Thanks again for responding and I am doing just as you suggested, really examining, long term, what it is that I need to do.
Confused
There is an old saying if you fool me once shame on you if you fool me twice shame on me.
You are now older and wiser, pack you emotional bags and get on the train of life and start enjoying the ride.
be well
FREE
What it came down to for me was he was no longer meeting my needs and I had to ask him to decide to move forward or move on.
Fortunately, for me he was mature enough to be honest and say even though he loved me and cared very deeply for me and he knew I felt the same way about him he just didn't see marriage in his future and he knew that's what I wanted so he had to let me go.
Hang in there and do what's best for you knowing that even it it really, really SUCKS right now, it wont always.
Your right Free, I need to pack up my emotional baggage and get on the train of life - just not quite sure how to since I have lived in this lie for so long. I live in a small town with little to do and men I don't want to date.... guess that train of life is going to have to lead me somewhere other than here. I am starting to wonder if moving isn't what I will have to do which really sucks - I relocated my children when I got out of my abusive relationship with their father and put him in prison. Now I have to consider relocating because I am in love with someone I shouldn't be. What a wicked web I have weaved :(
Nick, thanks again for sharing even more of your situation. I don't think that either one of us are ready to let go but for very different reasons and his reasons are not going to sustain me and what I want. I hate being miserable and I have been for the last several months now - I just hope my heart lets go because it is what needs to happen. This is worse than putting my children's father in prison - at least with him I didn't love him anymore and would have been happy to be left alone.
I have to wonder if my past has anything to do with why I am having such a hard time with this A and if it is why I am scared to let go.
Thank you to everyone for their support and advice. I am taking it all in and appreciating everyone's time.
Confused
I had not really thought of a move from town to another, BUT that would assure a clean break withh MM.
Try to remember that you are still YOUNG, if a move will help you to be happy your kids will reap the good results in the years to come.
If you have to fish in a different pond to catch good fish (single man) then my be thats what you should do.
FREE
MM stays because he chooses to! whether W is a bi$ch or whatever is absolutely of no consequence. MM is staying in the M. you are the extra, on-the-side OW. if you're willing to put up with MM's disrespect, that's your choice, but you deserve much, much MORE THAN THAT!
if you want your life back, take control and just say "no" to anymore contact with MM. ever! i'm being your mother now! sorry, sweetie, but MM is just taken advantage of your love.
gurl
Seems as though I need a mother right now, at least in this part of my life. You state everything so clearly and I am so damned broadsided I can't see a thing. It is really hard, after having had such a close friendship before the A even started, to see him in that light. I find one side of me agreeing with you while the other side of me says NO WAY! Maybe part of it is my own ego as well, not wanting to accept that I could be so stupid for so long about what was really happening between the two of us.
Anyway, he wants to come over tomorrow and "talk" because he can't stand when I am upset with him. He said we just went through a terrible time for us and now he wants to make things right and he knows that there is a lot to work through. I have no idea what I am going to say to him but hopefully I will be able to at least muttle goodbye. If not then - well I don't know. I know how much of a charmer he is and I have a very difficult time telling him no, especially when I was so convinced that we were going to be together past the A. Makes me tear up even thinking about what may happen tomorrow.
Thank you so much for your support and to everyone else here that has offered me support and advice.
Confused
Edited 1/8/2004 7:53:09 PM ET by queen_confused
I have to ask you do you enjoy pain, if not reread Gurls post, you are being manipulated once again, as in being played for a sucker.
Sweetheart it's your life don't let him steal it from you.
queenie -- listen, your MM is a great manipulator!! he promises you the world, makes it collapse around you by making his W pregnant, keeps you on the hook, telling you how much he "loves you", "you're the only one for me" etc., doesn't see you for months, and then he decides he "can't live without you" and wants to return right back where you two left off - you giving, giving, giving, MM taking, taking, taking..... what man wouldn't love that!!
FREE
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