New, Lost, Hurting
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| Tue, 01-06-2004 - 7:46pm |
Anyway, he walked away from our affair for several months until just recently. Of course the baby has been born, he still isn't happy (supposedly) and he misses me and having me in his life. We never actually cut all contact during this period of time but our conversations were not pleasant because of the hurt I felt over the whole thing. So, that brings me to now.
Last week we had talked and decided to try to work things out and take things really slow because I explained to him that I no longer trusted him or what he said simply from the chain of events that took place with his wife becoming pregnant and saying one thing, doing another - continuing to tell me he loved me but had to try to make his marriage work because of the kids, that he didn't want me to wait any longer for him because he could not guarantee me anything now because of this baby (it was thought that they could not have children, BTW).
He came over and of course we fell into bed with one another which I now wish I had not but this is a man that I have loved with all of my heart for so long and I just wanted to be with him again. Well, it of course brought me to some questions about where him and his wife are and needless to say, it didn't go over well and we are not speaking - again. I asked if he still desired his wife, sexually and had intentions on continuing to have sex with her, etc. His answer to me was that yes, he still desires her but not anything like he used to, yes he is going to remain in the marriage for now because he still doesn't know that he has made every effort to make his marriage work BUT that although he loves her he is in love with me and can't stand to be without me. I of course, after all of the pain, tears, anger, hurt, etc. of the last several months, am feeling a tad intimidated about all of this and told him that I didn't know what I wanted to do because being with me obviously was not the ultimate goal and that his love for me had changed even if he doesn't want to say that to me. He told me that it isn't about her and that if there were no children involved, they would be divorced but yet he is also telling me that he loves her and still desires her sexually. My last response to him (in email) I guess wasn't what he wanted to deal with so now - he is just ignoring me.
I don't understand any of this. I don't even understand what possessed me to even tell him that yes, I would try to get past what happened and start over. I don't even know at this point if he really does love me or if it is just about the sex and I am the stupidest woman on earth. His wife doesn't love him - he knows it, he talks about it with mutual friends of ours as well as he had told me that for the first time in his life, he felt loved completely when he was with me.
I guess I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation in their affairs and if I really do have to say goodbye to the love of my life. He says I am the love of his life and have his heart and soul. Is this really the way one treats someone they say they are "in love" with and is the love of their life? What do I do? Relegate myself to either nothing with him or become a FB and forget the rest of what happened between the two of us before the baby?
Sorry this is so long but I just don't know what I am supposed to do. There I waited for him to come back to me, he did, and I had to ask questions for my own self-preservation and now........
Anyway, if anyone has any advice or experiences that can help me make sence of this, I would appreciate it. I need to get my thoughts focused and right now I am just scattered and wanting to shut down.
Thanks to all in advance!

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Thanks for your response but I don't think I relayed what I was trying to say very well. He wants to come and talk, I am hoping that by that time I will have the strength to say goodbye. I was just trying to relay some of the things that he says in hopes of a more complete picture for me to obtain advice.
No, I don't enjoy pain but this is also a man that I have loved for over 4 years now - I am trying to come to grips with all of this so that I can gain the strength to end it and not look back. My life changed in a split second when I heard of the pregnancy and it changed in another split second when he told me that he still loves her but is in love with me and wants our relationship back. Sorry if I seem flippant.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. I am doing what I can do to take in all of your member's advice here, I am just a little overwhelmed with it all right now I guess.
Thanks again Free.
Confused
It was I that was not clear. I was speaking of his intentions not yours, I am sure you mean what you say and I understood it.
What I was trying to say is that he is setting you up to attempt to suck you back in to the A and that for his own selfish reasons.
I know your heart is tangled up in a mess.
Sorry if I was to pushy.
Free
Don't worry about being pushy with me - when I am not in a mindscrew like I am at the moment, I call it like I see it and that is all that you did. Besides, your right, he is going to try to suck me in and I am afraid that I won't stop him and will continue to let things go as they are. Not because that is what I want but because of my mindset right now. I don't know that I have what it takes yet. Sounds rather stupid actually, of me but.... I know that I have to be realistic and rational and right now rational doesn't seem to be a part of my inner makeup.
I just hope that everyone here is able to be patient with me while I get through this. Everyone seems to be so giving and wise and some with a great sense of humor that I can appreciate when being used to alliviate a hard moment.
Have a great day, Free
Confused
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