New member-my situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
New member-my situation
5
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 12:56am
I'm new here, and I'm so happy to see that there is support for someone in my situation. I joined iVilliage planning to post on a sexual health board about my problem, and came across this group also.

Anyway, my situation is this, I've been married for over 10 years (we separated for 9 months during year 8) and our sex life has never been satisfying. When we were first dating, I guess it was, but he was in the military and gone most of the time. So, when we were able to be together we went at it like rabbits. I guess the quantity made up for the quality! Basically, my husband just isn't interested in sex. He'd be happy with once every couple weeks, and when we have it, it's over very quickly. He doesn't like giving oral sex, so I get that maybe twice a year, usually when he's drunk. He's not affectionate outside the bedroom either.

After we got back together from the separation, I was at a point where I couldn't take the lack of sex anymore, and I had this painful talk with him about what I needed, and I basically told him that if I didn't get it from him, I would probably look elsewhere. Things were kind of better for a little while, but they're awful again now.

So, I've thought for years that the only reason I didn't have an affair was that I didn't have any opportunity. And suddenly I find myself having an opportunity! A male friend (of both of ours) recently made it clear to me that he was interested, and I'm interested in him too. So far we haven't actually had intercourse, but we've done everything but.

Anyway, I guess I'm posting for some advice, answers to questions, and general knowledge that I'm not horrible, crazy, or alone. I feel bad about what I'm doing, but in a way I feel like he's unwilling to satisfy me, so what should he expect? I warned him once, and things didn't change. And I'm very happy when I'm with this other person. I'm wondering also, how do the rest of you manage time with the OM? So far we've done what we've done when he comes over, stays the night, and my husband goes to bed early. I'm a terrible liar, and it's at the point where if we're going to actually be together, I'm going to have to lie about my whereabouts. Also, I'm just sort of wondering where do we go from here? Do others of you plan to just stay in less than satisfying marriages and have affairs? Or will you eventually leave your husband? I really don't want to leave him, as the rest of our marriage is wonderful. But sex is a rather important area to be missing in a marriage, and I know I can't go my whole life without it.

Thanks for any advice and for support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 1:29am
Hi Sandy and welcome to the board,

Before I get into trying to answer any of your questions... I'm not quite sure if H is still in the military... but if so... IV does have a Military wives board that may help with regards to your marriage... I just probably wouldn't jump in there about your EMA.

I can certainly relate to your lack of sex... while initially DH and I had a great sex life... something certainly happened along the way and I found that he just was no longer eager. I could walk around the house naked and he wouldn't seem to notice... this eventually sent me a little mental as I have a high sex drive... and I went looking for something online. I found a lot more... meeting friends and eventually MM... who just turned my life around. Although I was looking for 'something' I certainly wasn't looking for an EMA!

Questions :)

"Do others of you plan to just stay in less than satisfying marriages and have affairs?" While my marriage certianly was very unsatisfying... not to mention all the other problems we've had... things are getting better and I actually feel that MM and my A has been a big part of getting things back on track for me. My M and EMA both give me something that I need and although I know I shouldn't have both... I feel they contribute to one another and I get something from both.

"Or will you eventually leave your husband?" While I almost walked away from DH and my marriage a couple of years back... I know that I'm not ready to walk away from it. While my love for DH has certainly changed... I still do love him dearly and I take strength in that.

"I'm just sort of wondering where do we go from here?" aaahhhh... the big question :) and only one that you are going to be able to answer. I think you need to take a good look at all around and ask yourself what you truly want. For me... I've managed to find a balance with my marriage and my EMA... I know my EMA is just that! but that doesn't take away from the relationship that MM and I share... it is special to me... but I feel that I can still love him for what we have without tearing our families apart. It's not an easy ask... and it's taken a lot to get here... but I feel it's worth it... for both of us. You need to decide whether your EMA is truly worth the risk... can you live with the consequenses... as no matter how careful you are... there is always a risk... I know that for a fact.

I also suggest that you remail cautious and careful with your situation... you do not want to get caught in an EMA no matter what you decide to do with your marriage.

I hope maybe I've given you a few things to think about...

again welcome... keep posting and enjoy the board for the support and friendship it brings.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 2:16am
Hi Sandy, and welcome to the board!

Have you considered couples/marriage/sex counselling with your husband? It may be helpful to talk about it with someone who is impartial - not someone who would tell you both what you should be doing, but a facilitator and one who would draw out what's in your minds.

MM (Married Man) knew I was seperating/divorcing when our affair began a little over a year ago, though he is staying in his marriage. He was a friend first for some years - you didn't mention if it was difficult to control the attraction with others around; it was for me (and him), but I guess we've become accustomed to the feeling, and can handle it (most times).

You said you don't want to leave your marriage - it's a good idea to have a talk with your guy (is he married? If so, the acronym is MM, if not the acronym is OM for Other single Man), to let him know what your boundaries and expectations are, and to learn his. This helps to know if you are on the same page, and helps keep a perspective of the relationship. Besides, you want to ensure the affair is meeting your needs.

Ohh, that sounds risky to have a tryst in the house while your husband is asleep! Are you willing to risk your marriage for an affair? I'm sorry I can't help you with ways in which to cover yourself when going out, since I am not answerable to my stbxH (soon to be exHusband). Please be careful!

You said you feel bad about what you are doing...have you considered how you'll feel after having sex with your guy? Though it sounds you've weighed your options and thought about it (for years!), know you could be buying a ticket for the emotional rollercoaster (this is what we call the *ups* and *downs* - if you read the posts you'll find that most on the board have the up days and down days). I certainly can't tell you what to do because it's your decision - I mention risks and emotional rollercoaster as a forewarning to think before you hop aboard (lol - laughing out loud - pun intended).

I consider sex to be an important part of marriage, well of life! Thinking back, I have to say one of the main reasons I entered my affair was because I needed sex, with MM! It had been eons since I had intimate relations with my husband, and I knew it would be another year at the very least before we were seperated...I couldn't wait that long! It's a gray area - it doesn't mean because I am intimate with a married man that I am a horrible person or promiscuous...even if some wouldn't agree, I am fine in myself with it and that's what matters most. Sandy, no one else is walking in your shoes - you have to live your life the way you decide is best.

I hope you feel a bit better in "getting it out". Know there the members here are non-judgmental and supportive and caring - even if sometimes you read what you don't want to hear, it's given as "tough love".

Meow



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 4:12am
Thanks for the middle of the night responses! Somehow I'm having trouble sleeping lately, so I got up to check the board.

In answer to the questions, no my husband is no longer in the military. And we went to counseling together before we separated. We went probably 4 times, and got no where, basically because my husband wouldn't do anything the counselor suggested. I honestly don't remember if we addressed the sex issue then, we had so many other problems at the time! Then during the separation I went alone. I had to go to the same place, because of insurance, but I requested a different counselor. Well, he talked with the first one about our relationship, and the guy told him that my husband was "unwilling to compromise and unwilling to see anyone's point of view but his own." Would have been nice of the guy to have told me that at the time! Anyway, yes, I've considered counseling again, but I haven't brought it up with him. He's sort of got some other stress going on in his life right now, and it doesn't seem right for me to suddenly tell him, "by the way, you suck in bed and we need help."

As for the other guy, I guess technically he'd be an MM (is there a list somewhere of all these acronyms?) but he's separated from his wife. I've told him that I have no intention of leaving my husband, and he understands. And as for hiding the attraction in front of others, well, I think we're doing okay, but I guess I don't really know how others perceive it! We have been friends for a while, and we've always hugged, even kissed on the cheek hello and goodbye, so that part isn't any different. And yes, I've considered how I'd feel if we actually had sex. I guess I'm already a mess, so I don't know that it would be much different. At the start I thought I could do all this without having romantic feelings toward him, but now I do have those feelings. And I guess because we were such good friends before, I already loved him. It's a different kind of love now.

And yeah, I know it's risky to do anything at home with hubby asleep. That's probably why we haven't actually had sex yet. He does sleep like a rock though. We've had tornadoes come through, and he doesn't stir at all. I've pondered whether subconsciously I'm wanting him to find out. I don't think I do. But I don't know. Part of me just wants to get some kind of emotion, ANY emotion out of him! And this is horrible, but I know he would forgive me. It would be hell for a while, and it would damage our relationship, but I know in the long run he'd forgive me. Which is probably why I even risk it. Kind of like a little kid, you know they'll do whatever they can get away with.

Anyway, thanks for any input. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about this, so I'm happy to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings.

Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 8:05am
Hi Sandy, and welcome.

I could have written a great deal that's in your post. For ten years H and I have been struggling w/this issue (like your H, mine is military, only mine *still* is and is currently deployed out of the country). The main difference is that several months ago I told H we needed to address this issue to *my* satisfaction or I was going to find someone else who could... not replace him in the M, just in the sex dept. That got his attention. While we have been working on this, with some success but also plenty of steps back (as Meow can attest to! she's a wonderful listener and contributor here), I have still not let go of the idea of an EMA. Now that H is gone for a full year, we have agreed to keep working on these issues, to talk about them and create some plans of action, but the actual "plan" itself will have to wait until he comes home. Next year.

If you have thought through what you want from this EMA and where you do and don't want it to go, then you're ahead of most who simply jump right in. But you have to be careful that once you do move it forward, that you don't continue crossing lines you never intended to cross because it *will* change the nature of your M, your EMA *will* evolve, and a year from now you could be in a very different place with both men. Be aware.

Good luck to you, and do keep us posted. Just wanted to add my welcome. I look forward to hearing more from you.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 1:51pm
Dear Sandy,

Oh do I ever see a lot of myself in your

post. I used to be a firm believer in the

saying "There is no such thing as bad sex".

I now know how foolish I was. There certainly

is such a thing, and it depends a lot on

passion, interest, openness, frequency,

and tenderness. That thing we call chemistry.

Good for you for demanding satisfaction. If

only it worked! It never did for me.

So the question is, how do you tell your

love "you suck in bed"? It isn't the kind of

statement that inspires cooperation. And it

begs the return question "Since when did you

become such a damn connoisseur"? It is a tough

spot, I don't have an answer for it. God, do I

ever wish I did.

I learned in my first EMA that it is possible

for different people to satisfy different needs

in your life. Yes, even that one. It can work, but

you are always at risk of loosing your lover, for

a variety of reasons. If they have been a great

lover, it can hurt a lot. Yes, she was a great,

wildly passionate, mind-blowing lover..., I miss

her every day of my life. Be aware, you could

be here emotionally too, but you get used to it.

I don't think you can sleep with someone, share

what lovers share, and have no feelings for them.

I certainly can't. Lots of people start "just for

the sex", but things get complicated over time.

You can become confused and loose your way. Or maybe

you become less confused and the way clearer, and

you just don't want to make those hard choices.

The road gets bumpy.

Like you, I know I can't go the rest of my life

without passion. I am sorry, I just can't do it. Perhaps

some day I may grow up to join W and find sex really

doesn't matter to me either anymore. For now though,

for today, it matters a great deal. I once heard it

said that "Sex is a lot like air. It is no big deal

unless you aren't getting any". I guess I don't quite

agree, it has always been pretty important to me.

Deprivation is a lot like suffocation though.

If you have found someone to play, if you want to play

too, if you understand the difficulties and the risks,

if you are prepared for the consequences (all of them),

if you are aware of the effects on your emotions and

can handle the potential self esteem issues, then have

a great A. Try to minimize the damage on those around

you. Never confess the A, to H, to your best friend,

to anyone. Be discreet. Read the posts about getting

caught and how to best avoid this. Have an exit plan

you both agree to. It can be so wonderful just to have

someone that wants to enjoy sex with you again. It is

self-esteem and validation on Steroids! A lot of fun,

and some inevitable tears.

For you, having a wonderful marriage and seeking sex

elsewhere may be a viable option. It is always a risk

though. Bad luck is always possible. May you have only

good luck!

ditr