New A with an Old Flame

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
New A with an Old Flame
7
Wed, 04-22-2009 - 11:56am

Hello, I'm happy this board is here because I have no one to talk to about my A. Although it's relatively new I've known my AP for 20 years, and we have dated in the past (I was his 1st love). I am on my 2nd marriage to a very nice man. He treats me well and cares about me very much, but there has been something missing for a long time. He was injured a few years ago (right before we got married) and has never fully recovered. This was unexpected and he is still on pain meds and muscle relaxers, which pretty much turn him into a overtired, over stressed lump. He has not taken many steps to improve, and it's severely affected our marriage. I have had several discussions with DH about this, but nothing has changed. Although he feels that he's tried to improve, I don't see any difference in him physically or emotionally. I have told him he is not attractive to me when he is constantly complaining of pain or illness, does not take care of himself and has a negative view of live (yes, he's on antidepressants). I love him (although I'm not sure if I'm in love with him anymore) and have no plans of leaving, but it is not a fully satisfying relationship.


I have kept in touch with my A through the years, knew he had gotten married and had a family. We recently reconnected (he lives in another state) and I was shocked to learn his wife had recently passed. My 1st DH passed away, so I felt that our friendship might benefit him since I had a similar experience. Innocent chatting and texting soon became flirtatious, and then sexual. This went on for several months while I planned a trip to his state to see family (and him of course).


On this trip, we saw each other for the 1st time in almost 20 years (3 years after we broke up, we had a brief A, no sex. I was almost at the end of a relationship, he was single). Sparks flew to say the least. We both knew what this trip was about and slept together several times. He understands that I'm not in a position to start a serious relationship, and he is not over his wife and needs time to be single and to heal. I have told him about my situation and he agrees that I'm looking for attention from someone who loves me. He also says he still "carries a torch" for me, so I know that he still cares, and probably always will. No matter what the physical relationship, we remain close friends.


I feel as if I should feel guilty about this A, but honestly, I'm enjoying every minute of it. I don't feel any different towards my DH (whom I haven't slept with in more than 2 years). It satisfies a need for me - to be with someone who enjoys my company, can fulfil a physical need and someone I have a long standing connection with. He gets the benefits of a relationship and comfort without the stress and commitment of a relationship he is not ready for.


We have discussed getting back together in the future, if our timing is right and we're both single at the same time. I think we both enjoy this A because it is "safe" meaning neither of us are fully available for different reasons, but we know the other person well enough to still have feelings for one another and to understand the other's position.


If we can reconnect and still be attracted to each other after 20+ years, the idea of us getting back together in the future is not impossible. For now I'm happy just with the A (although I wish we lived closer) and if he finds another love before I become single (whenever and if that happens) I will be happy for him and wish him well, and also be disappointed that I missed another opportunity to be with him.


I just wanted to share my story as I sit here at work and dream about my AP. Maybe it's because it's a new A, maybe it's because of who he is, but I have a big grin on my face and a spring in my step because of him. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2008
Wed, 04-22-2009 - 5:56pm

Hi Italiangirl,

My situation is somewhat similar to yours but a little more complicated. Good luck and I hope everything works out for both of you and be careful not to get too caught up in the emotion web an A could weave. Enjoy it and don't expect too much.

FrustratedinOC
FrustratedinOC
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-22-2009 - 6:47pm

I read your post with interest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 10:50am

WOW-I can't believe I found this board. I am going through the same thing at the moment. Married for almost 12 years. Have 2 kids (4 and 2) whom I love with my whole heart. Things had just gotten boring in the marriage, as it appears happens to alot of people. I had dicussed this some with my husband, who said he'd change but didn't. Ironically, a few weeks later, I was contact by my first love/ex. Honestly, I have never felt the passion with my husband that I felt with my ex. So it was such a rush to talk to him. My husband discovered that I was talking to him and was very hurt. I basically said things to make my husband happy and said I would not talk to him anymore, which was not true. I do feel guilty about that, but there is something I can just not shake and I want to talk to my ex. The ex professes he still loves me after 15 years. He says he would leave his wife to be with me. I am so conflicted and torn and I like my "content" life with my husband and can not bear to not be with my kids daily. I feel evil b/c I have talked to the ex again and it's getting more and more intense when we talk. He lives out of state, which is the only reason we have not seen each other. I think about sex with him, etc. and feel a strong desire to make that a reality. I know it's wrong, but I am loving this fantasy in my head and talking to him gives me a thrill and a rush. would love to hear any advice,


thanks


confused!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 04-25-2009 - 12:49pm

Thanks for all the replies. I am trying not to get caught up in the emotion, as I know my AP is just not capable of that at this time. He needs to heal from the death of his wife, and I know he's guarded with me. But to be honest, I love the random comments he makes that let me know that there are still feelings beneath the surface.


I made it very clear to him when we were still in the texting phase that I was not just out looking for sex, and had never had an A before. The majority of the reason I wanted to have an A was because it was HIM. I think in a way, he feels the same, we've had this connection to each other for such a long time.


I'm really enjoying being able to see him almost every day, and am not looking forward to when this vacation ends, and I have to face the problems of my every day life. For now, I'm enjoying the time I have, and making a lot of memories I plan on playing over and over in my head when I'm back home and wondering when I'll see him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-26-2009 - 6:54am
I agree with your thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 5:23pm

Thanks for all the great responses. It's so wonderful to find a place to be open and honest about these situations and not be judged or ridiculed.


My A and I have a long history together, so we try to keep the lines of communication open. Neither of us is able to sustain a long term relationship now, but we have talked about the possibility of it in the future. I think we'll leave the door open, and enjoy what we have at the present.


One issue that I have NOT discussed with him involves sex. Remember, this is our 3rd time together (we dated at age 19, then a brief time at age 23, and now 20 years later). Every time I have had sex with my A, I have never climaxed. It's not for lack of trying on either part, he has just never put me "over the top." That was a small part of the reason I entered into an A with him this time - I wanted to see if time and experience (at 19, we were both pretty inexperienced) would resolve the situation. I never told him I'd never climaxed with him - now I feel that too much time has passed and I'm too embarrassed to tell him. Other than that small detail (and because I've had problems with that in the past, I've learned to enjoy the ride, even if I don't arrive at my destination) I was terribly curious if 3rd time's a charm. So far it's not (although his skills have improved tremendously!) and I wonder if it's just something that I will ever experience with him. He is patient, takes his time, and most importantly, does NOT pressure me to finish so he can feel like he did his job as a man, and it's still good, just missing that grand finale.


I don't even know if I should bring it up, we'll only see each other once or twice a year and I don't know when and if we'll be permanently together. Oddly enough, my DH can make me climax easily, but we haven't had sex in more than 2 years because of several factors (I mentioned some in my first post).


Any advice on this one? Thanks everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 4:29am

Well, I'm home from a vacation that I didn't want to end. Although I don't regret my A one bit (already planning another trip in the fall) and I know in my head I shouldn't bring emotions into this, my heart is stubborn and and old feelings for my AP have surfaced, making this situation even harder and more confusing.

My AP turned out to be an amazing man. I haven't seen him since 1993 when he was in his early 20's, single and childless. Now he is a father to two beautiful children, and has become a terrific dad, patient, kind, stable, and has his priorities in order. I felt a big sense of regret that I let him go so long ago.

We talked and saw each other every day. He was skittish about talking about feelings, letting me know that he felt "emotionally numbish" at this time, which I completely understand. He also let me know that he still has feelings for me, although he's not sure how strong they are or what will happen in the future. He says he's happy we've reconnected and no matter what we will stay in touch.

I tried to keep things light, but I don't think I did a good job. While I can say I'm not in love with him at present, I can see that easily happening in the future. My friend I was staying with found out what we were up to, and to my surprise completely supports me! She said as my lifelong friend, she just wants me to be happy and if I'm not happy in my marriage, and could be with my AP, then she's all for it. It made it easier than sneaking around, and it was wonderful to have someone to talk to about it.

Coming home, I felt the same as I did before I even started the A. Frustration, irritation and a lack of intimacy with my H. I know he senses I've pulled away, he makes comments like "you missed me didn't you?" and when I say I'm happy to be home he answers "and you're happy to see me, right?" Although I know what he's doing (ironically I probably did a bit of this to my AP) it bothers me because it's a constant reminder of the problems we need to deal with in this marriage. I like my life, where I live, but I desperately miss my AP and other friends in the other state. I wish I could just transport them to where I live (I prefer the state I live in to theirs) and have my AP live with me here, but I know that won't happen. My life would be so different there (my friend desperately wants me to move back, and I've thought about it - I really miss her and want to be closer) and not as comfortable as here. I know I'm materialistic, but I'm just not ready to let go of this life, especially if my AP doesn't want more.

I did tell him that I still have feelings for him, and if he heals from his loss, is ready for another relationship and decides he wants to try again with me, to please tell me, regardless of my marital status. I hope that happens one day, and am trying not to get my hopes up, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

I'm going to really try to give my marriage a fighting chance (which I know many will say is impossible if I continue this A) and try to see if my H can understand why I'm so unhappy. We will go to counseling, I know he'll put an effort in to that, and see what happens. Part of me really wants to work it out with him, he's such a good man in so many ways, but part of me is holding out for my A. If I could combine the two, I think I'd have the perfect man for me.

How I'm going to get through the next few months until my next visit I have no idea. I just hope my AP doesn't find love before then (selfish me!). If he does I will let him go because I want him to be happy, but I'll do so with a broken heart. I'll try to focus on my marriage, to see if it's salvageable, but I know in a way I'll be sabotaging it from the getgo because I can't get my AP out of my head.

Any advice? Sympathy? Similar experiences? Or do I just need a smack upside the head?