New- Please help with Guilt
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New- Please help with Guilt
| Wed, 01-21-2009 - 12:34pm |
Hello All-
Just discovered this wonderful board. Hope to learn some things and enjoy reading. I started an A 9 months ago. My A is a wonderful kind caring person. The sex is off the charts! My MP is a decent person but is prone to anger and abuse issues. Because of the emotional and physical abuse I looked for an A. Been in happy A for 9 months. The problem is I can't deal with the horrible guilt. My MP is probably bi-polar and is alternatley very kind but then mean. But when the MP tells they love me, i feel horrible. I go to bed hating myself every night. Can anyone offer any advice. This won't go on forever, trying to see if the A is a long term partner. Any help of advice is welcome.
Feeling Guilty

Hi amex, I can relate somewhat. My H is verbally and emotionally abusive. He alternates between anger and being nice. Problem is, I feel like I am walking on eggshells because I never know when the anger will strike. I've been in an A for 1 1/2 years to a very caring, loving man. I don't know how to tell you get over the guilt, I felt very guilty at first, even tried to end things with AP but I kept going back to him. After awhile, the guilt became less and less. I'm not saying that is a good thing. It's just what happened with me. I guess I feel I deserve better, but haven't found the strength to end things with H.
I guess I have a question for you first, does your H show his love?
Thanks
I have never felt guilty - if I got "caught" then I am sure I would - but I deal with it by just keeping my emotions in a compartment.... I am sure I am wired different than most. I feel like if life is soo short and this is all there is well then I want to at least say I have lived two or three lives. I have never felt - guilt - I am sure I supress it but I take everything one day at a time....... someone I met once was on the fence and she wanted to jump in with me..... she was so sure she wanted "us" to be together..(we were out for drinks)... I put i t this way .... close your eyes at some point and pretend we just had the most passionate dirty sex...... you can imagine and then when you walk through the door you will see your kids in bed - can you kiss then goodnight and can you get in bed next to your husband and kiss him goodnight ??? and in that moment when you lay back - how do you think you would feel???
I told her I would sleep like baby...... she called me the next day and thanked me....... not sure if there was a point but whatever
Honest answer?
Affairs never solve problems in a marriage. Often what happens (and certainly what happened with me) is that instead solving problems, we start comparing our AP to our spouses. 99% of the time, our spouses fall woefully short. Sometimes this is due to the problems we were having in our marriages that contributed to the decision to enter in an A, other times it is due to the fog that great sex and good times with a new partner cause in our heads.
My friend noreturn (catbert to some of you who remember) used to say that if we truly did feel guilty about our actions we would change them. So I will float that to you. Do you feel guilty and thus are willing change what you are doing? Maybe stop things with your AP for a while and resolve your marital issues? If not, you are not really feeling guilty, just badly knowing you are doing something that would cause your spouse pain.
You suspect your W is mentally ill, have you broached this (all be it sensitive subject) with her and encouraged her to seek professional help? Perhaps medications would help. However, if she is emotionally and physically abusive, I am going to give you the same advice I would give a woman. Get out and seek help for yourself. No one should live in an abusive situation. Period.
People (myself included) often forget that we can and do make choices everyday. Sometimes we just need to evaluate which choices are beneficial and which ones are not. And remember there is something to be said about the old adage "the grass is not always greener..."
Definitely feel the eggshells, MP is like a time bomb ready to go off.
Honestly - you've said he is physically abusive - if you feel like your on eggshells and that he is a time bomb ready to go off then