New with a question :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2009
New with a question :)
14
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 11:35pm

I am a married woman who is involved with a now single man. He has been single for not quite a year.


My question is for any men out there or any women who are the single ones in a relationship with a married person....how do you deal with the fear that your single person will find someone who is also single and leave you?

~Layla~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 8:20am

Hi Layla, I think you are really looking for the married person's perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2009
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 9:29am

Thank you for your kind response. My single man is not under any illusion of my leaving my marriage, just as I wasnt about him leaving his. But now that he is single, I cant help but think about how much nicer it would be for him to find someone who is single as well. I mean who would want to stay in a relationship with someone part time when they are now able to be in a relationship with someone full time?

~Layla~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 7:49pm

Layla,

I am in your same situation - I am a MW and my AP is single. I'll tell you what my AP always tells me: "don't think so much." ;) Enjoy what you have right now with your man. Believe what he is telling you at this point in time. If you dwell too much on what might happen, you will miss out on the wonderful thing you have RIGHT NOW. :)

Take care,
Cherishing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 10:41pm

that's a tough one.. mm here.. hmmm.. i agree with the post that you should cherish what you have with him now.. Man plans, God laughs, or however that one goes.. don't plan or worry so much about the future that you are missing out on the present.. do tell him that, if in the future, he finds that he'd prefer to pursue a relationship with a single person, that he should not be afraid to tell you first, and that though it may be hurtful, the alternate that he'll do this on the sly, is much worse.. as long as you both set up some ground rules, then you can just enjoy what you are lucky enough to share..


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2009
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 10:41pm

Thank you. I am really trying to just enjoy what I have with him. Some days are harder because I let thoughts snowball and I go nuts...hard to fall asleep when your head is full of thoughts, ya know. But I am trying. Thank you.


Layla

~Layla~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2009
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 7:25pm
And there lies the rub....I know deep down some day he will tire of this situation and want a woman he can be with all the time, although he tells me all the time he doesnt want anyone else . But the thought of him one day telling me that he has found someone or has come to the conclusion that he wants to end 'us' so he can find someone,
~Layla~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 8:30pm
Do you find that your anxiety about it gets worse the longer you go without contact with him (either in person or via phone/email)? That's when I would typically get all upset and think something has changed. My guy has learned my pattern and thus has been very good about reassuring me and keeping in good contact with me so that I don't have as much anxiety as I did at first. Also, the fact that he is single means that we have more chances to get together. We see each other almost daily unless one of us is out of town.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2009
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 9:53pm

Yes, Cherishing, if too much time goes by with no contact it drives me nuts. And he knows this now very well so he tries very hard to

~Layla~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 12:50am

I am newly single in an affair with a MM going on a year now. Our relationship it so precious to us. We have so much fun when together and go out quite a bit with his friends and some of mine and see one another as much as possible. I love him v much and go out every weekend and have a full fun life with my family and friends.

I have been approached by men young and old while out and about and I am so content with my lover and what we have that I have no
interest in another. I admit I do keep a piece of my heart for myself because face it his is married and always will be--but I enjoy him too much to be on the hunt for another. I am a people person so I enjoy interaction with males and females but nothing beyond a nice convo or lil bit of flirting....NO ONE measures up to my guy.

Who knows what the future will bring -- you two have been together a long time. Try not to focus on what you fear may happen instead celebrate this great relationship that has lasted seven years!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 11:03am

Layla,

We have only been together a few months and he has always been single. I can see your relationship is different because of the long-term nature of it, and how the dynamics have changed since he has become single, but still, I think there are quite a few parallels in our current situations.

My feeling is that you should not hesitate to contact him and ask him things like what he has planned for the weekend. That is not at all a "paranoid sounding" question. If in doubt, simply *ask* him if it bothers him that you ask him things like that--my bet is that it not only doesn't bother him, but makes him feel like you care for him and want to make time to be with him. Don't get hung up on there being an imbalance...I was like that at first, and my guy told me that he never gets tired of hearing from me and does not take me for granted because I contact him more often.

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