New, with questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
New, with questions
2
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:16pm
Hi all, I'm new here, I've already left a message on the "Should I Stay or Should I Go" board, now I've got to leave one here. I am pretty much ready to leave my marriage (not having anything to do with anyone else or an affair). I made the decision to leave a while ago, but financially I'm unable to do it yet. Anyway....I started talking to someone online about a month ago, we met in a multiplayer game room and lots of different people shared their IM names and we just started chatting one night. It was all totally innocent at first. I even asked him if he was totally in love with his wife and he said yes. But, after we started talking "more", he admitted that in fact, he did still love his wife, but that they have alot of problems, and he isn't exactly happy. He had been married before this wife and the first wife treated him like crap. Then he got his heart broken by another girl, then finally met this wife. She treated him like gold, and he appreciated it, and has been with her for about 4 years now. He's "comfortable" with her, and he feels indebted to her for "picking up the pieces" left by the other girl who broke his heart. They have no children together, but the wife has a teenage stepson who they fight about all the time, the mom doesn't give/enforce any rules and my MM can't stand that. Anyway, we started spending HOURS online everynight, just talking, nothing else. Well, I've gotten to know him pretty well, and I feel he's being honest with me when he tells me things. We have, at this point, exchanged some pretty explicit pictures and we've "talked" on his webcam, if you know what I mean (I don't have one). I am a little overweight and he's seen my whole body and finds me very attractive (his wife is bigger than me, so he's attracted to large women). He started about a week ago talking about the "L" word, but at first I struggled with that, because I don't know if its possible to feel that for someone without ever actually meeting them in person. I'm at the point now where I feel that same thing for him, as much as I possibly think I can, without meeting him, and we tell each other every day that we love each other. We have had sooooo many discussions about what the future COULD possibly hold. I AM leaving my marriage, thats for sure, but won't be able to do it for another 2-3 months at least. He isn't sure yet if he wants to leave his or not, and I guess that if I think he's worth it, I will be willing to give him some time to make up his mind. Its only been a month, so I know I can't expect him to just pick up and leave this soon, and I've told him that I won't push him. The other night, I was missing him, and he came online to play a game, and after he left the game, he turned on Yahoo and said he could only stay for a few minutes b/c he had to get some sleep for work in the morning. I said ok, and told him that I had left the game anyway, b/c I was bored in there and would rather talk to him anyway. I don't know why, but he took that to mean that I wanted to "talk" with him on his webcam, and he turned it on and started um...well, you know, doing "things" lol. I got a little upset, because it seemed to me that if he only had a few minutes, he could spend them talking to me instead of expecting me to do other things. So, I told him that. He got really embarassed and apologized for assuming that when I said I was bored, thats what I meant. I ended up telling him that until he is ready to meet in person (we live about 5 hours away from each other) that *I* am not ready to do "that" anymore. He was fine with that, and we ended up talking all night, literally....he got no sleep that night and had to work in the morning lol. Anyway, the problem is this. He sometimes takes overnight trips for his work, two days trips actually. I can't (at this point in time) go to his town to meet him, because he is very well known in the town and he isn't ready for "us" to be found out yet, which is understandable. So, when he told me that he was going to be out of town next week, I told him that I could arrange a way for me to meet him there. I know he'd be working during the day, but we'd have evenings to spend together, not necessarily to sleep together, but to get to know each other, and to even decide if we are still as attracted to each other in person as we are online and on the phone. He doesn't want me to come. He tells me that he loves me (the first time he said it, he told me that if he DID say that, he didn't want me to take that as a sign that he's ready to leave his marriage, and I didn't). But, he's afraid to meet me in person yet....he doesn't know if he's actually "ready" to physically cheat on his wife, and he's afraid that if we were to meet in person, that he might not be able to stop himself from sleeping with me. I know that I wouldn't even WANT to stop him, but I understand his worry. I still think that it would be better for us to meet as soon as possible, to make sure that we still feel the same for each other, in the flesh. My friends think he's "playing" me, because its all online and he's married etc. But I feel that if he was playing me, he would be telling me that his wife doesn't understand him, that he's totally unhappy, and that he would JUMP at the chance for me to come to HIM, pay for my own room and get some free sex on the side. But he's not doing any of that, he's telling me his honest feelings (I think anyway) and he's not jumping into bed with me, even when I'm offering! LOL Anyway, does it sound like he is playing me, like my friends think? Or, does it sound like I should just play it slow and give him time to decide what his true feelings are?? I think he's worth it, from what I know of him, and I'm willing to wait for his decision (as long as it doesn't take forever.....THAT, I am NOT willing to do). Please just give me some input into this....Thanks so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:46pm
Yes, I'm sorry, but it sounds like he's playing you. Why doesn't he want to meet you? He is already cheating on his wife emotionally, and if he is in love with you, why doesn't he want to spend time with you? Please be careful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:05pm
hi lee and welcome to the board. honey, you need to sllllooooowwwwww down with this guy! it's only been one month and already you're both "in love." you're scareing me now. how in the world can you know someone whom you haven't seen in person, don't know anything about except what he tells you and who doesn't want to meet you in person when given the opportunity!! and who owns a webcam and using same for ummm, sex!! i'm sorry to say this, but this man sounds like he was trolling the net and found the perfect "fish" in you. he's having sex with you, via that webcam, free uninvolved sex. you are 5 hours apart and it takes alot of planning and execution to even get together, which MM isn't up for. heck, he can get off right in front of his computer and then go to bed!!

listen, if you're unhappy in your M and you are leaving the M, then make your plan and follow through with that plan. for you! not because you've suddenly found another man who compliments you and talks to you. of course he's doing that, so you'll flatter him and give him the attention he feels he's not getting from his SECOND W, along with the fun and games, of course. yikes!!

this man is playing you. please do not pursue this R any further or you'll end up really hurt and possibly more, if you leave your M thinking this guy will leave his M for you.


take 5 giant steps back from this online R and figure out what you need to do for yourself (and any kids you may have) to make your future brighter and happier, and please, not with this man!!

be careful.

life