New to room, and looking for feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
New to room, and looking for feedback.
4
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 3:06pm
Hello All,

I'm new to this room,and am very thankful that I found this message board. I have been in an affair with my MM for over three years. In that time, we have had our ups and downs,mostly because we were trying to fight the feelings that we thought we would never develop for each other. I mean people enter into affairs for all different reasons, and for us, it was at the beginning because we were lacking emotional attention from our spouses. We told each other that we would never leave our spouses to be together, but over the years, our feelings have become so strong, that now we find each other getting divorced, and wanting to be together. Our spouses know about the other, and his wife has even Im'ed me once to ask me to stay away from him until he figures out what he wants (she believes that once he leaves, and doesn't have the saftey of her there,and his children, he will run back), and I told her that it was up to him to what he wanted.

I guess what I am looking for is that I wonder if people who end up having affairs, who fall into deep love for each other can ever really make it after they end up together? I know he loves me, there is no question, as I do him, but I'm also afraid about losing him after he does leave.........I mean,what if he decides that he misses his children and wants to move back home? Am I just setting myself up for hurt? I know that life has no guarantee, I tell my clients this all the time, but I guess I'm looking for is advice from someone who has been at this part of the affair....and how did it work out?

I look forward to talking with some of you, even about your situation, since it would be nice to make friends who have been through the same stuff as myself. If anyone ever needs anything, please let me know....and whoever responses to my e-mail...thank you for your time......JayC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 3:17pm
Hi Jayc,

Welcome! I'm glad you found us! This is a great room!

I'm sorry I don't have the advice you're looking for. My MM and I came really close back in January, then let things slow down for a while. I haven't ever asked him to leave, nor will I, but it is something that is still very much in the works.

I do know that some relationships make it. I'm not sure how to identify which ones they are, but I suspect they are the ones that took the time to communicate and to work out what the partners wanted before they got married. They are also the ones that put forth the effort, (on both sides), to *make* it work.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. ::smiles::



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:11pm
Dear Cazrida,

Thank you for your words and your time to respond to my questions. I agree with what you had to say,and I can only hope that things work. Thanks again, JayC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:28pm
Hi jayc. I can't give you any solid answers on whether a R between two people can work if it started as an A. All I can say is that any R is a risk. You have to put your heart on the line and then work like hell to make it work. I don't think it matters if you started as an A or not. Is there a chance he may go back out of fear? Certainly. I know when my dad left my mom the first time, he came back for a few weeks but then left again. If he goes back, it will probably be a mistake. But that is certainly a risk you are taking. But which will you regret more? If you take the chance and try to build a R with him and it fails? Or if you bail out now and never find out?

I know you're new here so I'm not sure if you're familiar with my situation. I am leaving an 8 year M with one child and another on the way. This is incredibly difficult for me, but I know it is the right thing. And I hope to build a R with my OW once I am out. But as I said before, there are no guarantees in life. All we can do is do our best to make it work. But hopefully in a year or so, I'll be able to come back here and tell people that yes, it can work out between two people who didn't meet one another in an ideal situation. And yes, it was worth it. Until then, I'm putting my heart on the line. I would encourage you to do the same. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 12:06am
Hi JC...I totally understand your questions and concerns...PEOPLE CHANGE...including those whom choose to have A. My mm and I have done this for 30 yrs. We still ask the same question...Will this work...how will any others closely involved with this respond.. what is the eventual outcome...can we make this work... will it alienate our kids from us....will our x-spouses try to create more turmoil..or more support.

Give each other space and provide back up in all his thought process's. Life is such an unknown adventure...but one must believe in what the heart and mind indicate. Depending on the ages of others involved.....you and MM must decide if the communication will allow changes in you lives. Your ? as to whether or not those who choose to be toghether can make it when they are together..is left totally up to A: communication...B: faith in how they feel about their options....C:how willing are they to promote themselves as real individuals.. and are they willing to take a risk.. and have they considered the good/bad and ugly while making their decisions.. I have only had one A...my whole entire life with the same MM..... and all i need say is that "Life is short, People change, and that is a VERY OK Factor...because we are all human, with different needs and wants....Good luck and just keep communication with youself and how you feel and progress based on your ideas of where you want your life to be.....with or without MM......

Mia