New & Soooo Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
New & Soooo Confused
14
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:30pm
I found this board a couple of weeks ago, and am so impressed with the support. You all are so thoughtful and intelligent. I am a very private person, so it has taken me a long time to get up the nerve to post. OK...here goes the novel...many apologies in advance for its length!!

I have been seeing an OM for a little over two months--very new A. Before then, I was somewhat content in my M--or at least I thought. My A started unexpectedly with someone I didn't know. It was one of those rare experiences where our eyes met in a social setting and it was instant attraction. Although I left the first night after flirting with this dark, handsome and mysterious guy, about one week later curiousity got the better of me, and I contacted him. Initially, I just wanted to know what his very delicious lips would taste like, what he smelled like, etc. Purely physical stuff. Maybe once I knew those things, I could satisfy my curiosity and move on. Yeah right--I am a woman, and one who has never been capable of a purely physical relationship. I knew better, and I did it anyway. And, to top it off, this guy just happens to be amazing.

I have been M for 7 years. My H is 15 years older than me (I am early 30s), and we met when we were both serving in the military. Initially, we were terribly in love--so much so that I believe that we were blinded to our differences. About 2 years into the M, I, now out of the military, decided to go to law school. Our focuses changed--or at least mine did. Instead of being focused solely on him and our R, I became more focused on school and a career. I have now listened to nearly five years of complaints from my H that he and our M have become second fiddle to my career. I cannot say he's wrong (I do not have clean hands here--I have certainly done my share to hurt our M). On the other hand, he has NO life outside of our M--he is not happy with himself, and I feel 100% responsible for his happiness. It is tiring for me to balance a very demanding job with an H who looks to me as his sole source of happiness. I have lost respect for him. He smothers me--and I have pulled away. That being said, he is a good and decent man who will love me forever, without question, and has made enormous sacrifices for my schooling and career. But I do not think I'm in love with him anymore (yes, the whole "love" versus "in love" debate), and I have lost my physical attraction for him. I feel tremendously guilty to have lost all this when he has not.

Importantly, H and I do not have children together (he has kids--which I will get to). I have been suffering from infertility for the duration of our M. We have done some infertility treatments, and we were just about to start IVF when I met OM. Needless to say, I absolutely could not go through grueling IVF while having an A. I have since "put off" the treatments. The A has caused me to seriously evaluate my M. Almost everyone on this board has children, and I sympathize. I've always wanted children so badly, but now I am almost thankful that I do not have them because, as amazingly confusing and difficult as things are, having children would make my confusion much greater. Now, I do not want to bring a child into a R I am questioning. In fact, the fact that I do not have children is almost the greatest excuse to leave. The problem--I am in my early 30s. My chance of conceiving through IVF drops fairly dramatically when I turn 35. If I give up my M, I may also be giving up my only chance of having a child...at least a biological one.

Also, like some of the posters on this board, I dread telling my family and friends. They have only seen us loving and doting on each other. I've always been the good girl with a strong head on her shoulders. My parents and family would be so disappointed in me for dismissing my marital vow. Also, my H has two teenage children who live with us. I love them and they love me. Many years ago, they watched the disintigration of their parent's M. They have only seen my H and me in a loving relationship (I am a master of putting on appearances--even for people who live under my roof). How can they have any faith in the institution of M, if they see us break apart?

And, FINALLY, the OM. He is everything that my H is not...young, full of live, happy with himself, no pressures, no worries...and gorgeous as h*$#! He is foreign...from South America, and he is still struggling with the English language, but when he talks Spanish...oh, mamacita...it is sexy!! Although the R is new, we talk everyday on the phone, and I have a chance to see him (even if only for brief moments) 5-6 days a week. It only took him about a month to say "I love you" or "Te amo." And now he says it 20 times a day. Although it is wonderful to hear from someone with whom you are intimate, I am a sceptic, and question everything--is it his different culture that makes him say all the crazy things he says? I don't know. All I do know is that he says and does the right, albeit crazy, things. And the more time I spend with him, the more I fall. I think about him all the time, and am always trying to find any way to sneak a few moments of bliss. I know that I will not and cannot leave my H simply to run into the arms of this man, and I probably need to stop the A to get my head on straight. But I am weak, and I am addicted.

Last note--I have discussed a trial separation with the H, and he will hear none of it. It is all or nothing as far as he's concerned. I am starting some individual counseling soon to work through some of these issues.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on my situation (I admire many of your posts, and am especially enamored with Rain and Omaha--so insightful!). You all are great, thanks for letting me vent...and vent...and vent!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:22pm
Hey tropics,

welcome to the board..I do not have children and as for the infertility, I could completely relate.. I do not have children and it doesn't make it any easier.. I would give it some time.. its been 2 months and I just want to let you know...(not that you can't tell by reading all of the other posts) an A is a difficult situation to be in.. I, like many others on this board, never thought I would be in this situation.. But give it some time.. see how your A goes. I know in the beginning, very early on, the euphoria from being in an A was insane.. I couldn't get my OM out of my mind and it is still very difficult...but we have our issues.. I never thought I would be falling in love with him and I am.. I have been M for 10Y's and he is married for 24..he4 has kids and I have none..

.. This board is wonderful so if you need support this is where to come..

good luck..


Cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:44am
Thanks, Cassy. I remember reading your post about the fact that not having children made the decision about your M no easier. Under my circumstances, it is almost the excuse and the driving force behind my decision to leave--if I do leave. I know I can't rush into a decision, but I do feel pressure about the infertility issue and my ticking clock. Plus, my H is 46 and not really crazy about the idea of having a child so late in life. He has always said that he would have kids "for me." Now, I'm not sure that's good enough. I want to have a child with someone who wants to have a child--not just "for me."

Yes, the A is so new, and I will give it time. Like you (and a lot of other folks here), I am consumed with it and with thoughts of him. However, my decision to leave or stay with my H will have to stand on its own--with or without the OM.

Thanks again for the support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:45am
hey there ms tropics...

Being without children (and no particular desire to get them) I don't think I'm qualified to speak to that issue... except to say that I'm looking at my own M and thinking that maybe we don't have children for a reason. Maybe the same is true for you. The universe kind of has its way with us and I'm trying to learn to live with that instead of fighting it.

To be honest... a hot latin stranger? Across a crowded room with eyes meeting? Language barrier so that all you really have to worry about is sex? Hey, I'm totally hetero and *I'm* getting interested...

As for being a career woman... my W is the same way. She works late every night and is very focused. I don't really have a problem with that. What I had a problem with is that when she came home, when it was finally *our* time, she didn't really want me to bother her. She wanted TV or something equally vegetative. We didn't talk, she didn't come home and collapse onto me and relax... nothing.

Yet similar to your H she has no outside life so I was supposed to be there and ready for her whims. She isn't happy with herself either and has virtually no friends -- mostly because they are treated only slightly better than me with less reason to tolerate it.

I sympathize, it's really hard to go through life trying to be happy enough for two people. It sounds like your H has some issues of his own and those issues are making him difficult for you to like. I think that's part of my R's problem too; as we grow more confident and become happier and embrace our own ideals more, we tend to upset those who aren't as happy. They get nervous.


I'm guessing that your H is anti-therapy? My W was too, but now that I'm out she couldn't make an appointment quick enough. And she wasn't about to hear words of trial separation either. Until I started packing. Then she wanted to know if it was too late.

Personal styles and personality types. In the last two years I've learned a lot about these things, everything I could -- not just about myself but to try to understand people around me. It makes life a lot easier and I don't take things nearly so personal.

My W is a safety person in every way. She doesn't work hard to have money and buy stuff, she wants security. I realize now that part of the reason we got married despite our problems is because she wanted security and after 6 years, I was a good compromise: fun and entertaining, but very safe. I married her because I was shallow, saw her drive to earn more money than god as a fun way to live, and she was (at the time) giving me lots of attention. I made her happy with very little effort, and it really sounded like things would go well. But in the end, I think I'm just a security blanket to her, another task to be checked off. And now that I'm making money too and we've bought everything we can think of, it turns out that's all pretty darned empty as well.

If you don't really know (more or less) scientifically where you and your H map out on personality grids and such, it might be worth looking at a little. For me, a light went on and I understood a lot of the issues in my R.

LOL -- then like a fool I went and started an A with someone who matched up with me much closer. Now I have a mess I'm slowly cleaning up. I was ready for therapy to continue for a while because I thought I had a lot of confusion, but it didn't last too long at all; I went in and recited my personality research on my R and the counselor said, "Good work. Now what are you going to do?" I didn't have an answer. Still don't. My W asked her counselor how long therapy continued, and they couldn't answer her; she was immediately frustrated. It's still just another project to finish. Process people and results people don't mix so well... which explained a lot when I learned it.

Just be careful with the new guy... he might end be a means to an end, and I think you're totally right about breaking it off to clear your head. Very hard to think straight when you're trying to claw through the mattress...

It sounds like you're really frustrated with your H more than anything else. A hot young latin man is a pretty solid outlet for escaping that. Go to counseling, maybe they'll help you sort things out, and maybe you H will make some changes if he thinks you're serious about leaving. Good luck.

rain





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:45am


You are welcome for the support.. I understand where rain is coming from but I want you to be sure your sudden unhappiness isn't because of your new Latin lover...LOL

Believe me.. I would have ran out of the house in the first 2 months.. the newness, the craziness.. the desire I have for OM is insane.. but I was trying to keep a level head.. My OM is your H age. I have always been attracted to older men but my H is only a few years older. I have the issue as well if I leave then I may never have a child. My OM is finished having children and I don't blame him for it one bit.. he is ready to start his life and has raised his children already..

Consumed with thoughts..HMMM I was able to steal a few minutes with my OM last night and I am consumed right now.. We had a great little meeting..and of course I am bounciing off the walls today...

Cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:30pm
Rain...you are da bomb! I appreciate your comment so much, and although our situations are a little different, I relate to what you have gone through. I admire your strength to leave your M when you know in your heart that it is not "right." And I'm so happy you've found yourself in the arms of a caring and compassionate OW--or now SO--who is your other half.

You are right about the Latin lover...I challenge any lady to resist! He is hot stuff, but I am a rationale girl...somewhat! I am not going to give up everything for this guy. But I cannot deny that I am falling...maybe infatuation, maybe love. It's become more than sexual. Saw him for a while last night and he is simply salbroso, rico, delicioso. But he is also an educated, caring man with a fascinating background, ambition, and all that. I know that I should take a break to deal with the H., but again, I am weak. Not seeing him would be terribly, terribly difficult. Your comment about the mattress cracked me up...LOL!

What you say about your W hits home a bit. I do not want to turn a this cold career woman who is not emotionally available to the ones I love. I fear that I becoming that...but I think that the state of my M has made me dive into my career more than I would otherwise. I don't want to go home, so I stay at my office late. I don't get things done at work as efficiently as I could so I can rush home to my H. I feel terrible about that, but the desire is not there. I so badly want an incentive to have a life outside my job.

You are also right about my H--he has some issues that I wish he would address. He is terribly insecure, and I am possibly the only source of security in his life. Even when I am not working, my H cannot stand it when I do things without him...with my girlfriends. He says that it means that I do not want to be with him...which is kinda true. His demands are unreasonable, and I do not help matters by closing up. Personality-wise, my H only sees black and white...no shades of gray...in everything in life. He is absolutely incapable of change. Additionally, he is a pessimist...and very rarely enjoys the moment. I guess that's all tied up with his insecurity and unhappiness. On the other hand, I am almost always happy, cheerful, optimistic. Even during the lower points, I have had a great life. Why couldn't I have seen these things years ago?

Thanks, again, Rain. I draw comfort from your experience..or your survival. I only hope that I can begin to provide the members here a fraction of the support and insight that you have! This board is addictive and could eat up my entire day!! Please let me know how your separation continues to go!

Tropics

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:54pm
Cassy, thanks again. Yes, I am absolutely trying to keep a level head even though I am overcome with consuming passion. The suddeness and intensity of my A has made me realize that something's been wrong for a while. Three years ago, I had a intense "friendship" with a guy that never led to much physically. I realized then that things were lacking in my M. Although I have long since moved on from the friendship, I have never quite gotten over the "voids" that it exposed in my M. I don't want to be in an M where I feel compelled to run to other men for my emotional and physical fulfillment. I'm sure everyone on this board feels the same.

My H is the only guy I've been with that I've had a significant age difference. I did and still do believe that age doesn't matter. However, it has started to "matter" to me now in my M. I think it has become more of an issue of the state of our minds versus the difference in our years. My H just finished a 20 year career in the military--he is winding down. I am just starting my career. Your issue with your OM is similar to mine with my H. He has two kids--the oldest starts college in the fall. The youngest is only two years away from graduating HS. But for my infertility, we would have had kids years ago. As time passes, it becomes more and more unfair to push a kid on him. Poor thing--to go back to diapers again! But he'll do it--"for me."

Your OM has made it clear that he wants no more kids--at least he's being up front with you about that. You obviously have to decide--in addition to all the other issues--the priority of having children in your life. I fear hitting 50 and realizing that I missed out on the greatest love that a human being can know. BUT, I also do not advocate bringing children into an unstable M. Although it may fill a void (and would probably salvage my M for however many years), I believe that it is unfair to the child. It's a lot to think about...isn't it???

Like you, I stole a moment with the OM last night, and he told me that he is "crazy in his heart" for me. I am right there with you bouncing on the walls!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:36pm


Now I must thank-you...I have thought about the future and the age difference, however he our mindset is similar.. sexually, politically, and intellectually...we can talk for hours.. I do think about what it would be like when I am 40 and he is 54..but for now what we have is AWESOME.. he motivates me when my H shoots me down. I am also a "career" woman who works late and has a cell which always rings.. but I love what I do and I do not ever want to change it.. nor would I give it up..

I hope the age difference wouldn't really matter...if I ever choose to leave...he has an awesome soul which I am attracted to...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:53pm
Your situation and mine are quite different. My W and I are about the same age. We have a child and another on the way. I know exactly how I feel about IS (what I call the person who was previously the OW). And I've already made a decision to leave my M. What struck a chord with me though was your H being totally dependent on you for his happiness. My W has always been this way and it is a terrible way to live your life in my opinion. Not only that, but in going through counseling, I realized my W and I have very different values and goals in life. We don't communicate because I need to talk all the time about issues big and small and she prefers only small talk periodically. All of this combined with the fact we don't really share any interests outside the house led me to realize that our M was built with no foundation at all and it has crumbled. I have no idea if your M has these other problems that mine did. And I have no idea if in reflection you feel any differently about the "in love" period of your R or not. My W and I were quite young when we got together and were both kind of at low points in our lives and I think we just clung to one another. Again, for me it was a tough realization that what I thought at the time was undying love was actually me blinding myself to all the problems because I was afraid of being alone.

Well, that is enough about me. I honestly think you and your H need to attend counseling immediately. If he won't go, definitely go alone. Not necessarily on the premise that you are going to save the M at all costs, but to sort through your feelings and issues and find out whether it should or can be saved. You definitely need this. And I do this all the time on here, but I would recommend the book "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay". It is about relationship ambivalence and was very helpful to me.

As far as the OM goes, it doesn't sound like you are in love with this man yet and that is probably a good thing because it would cloud your decision. I can't tell you to stop seeing him, but you may want to at least take a few weeks when you begin counseling so you're not thinking about him as you're making decisions about your M.

Finally, good luck with everything. You're about to face some very serious issues and make some of the most difficult decisions you ever could. Just be strong and do what you believe to be right. That's all you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:39pm
Cassy, sounds like you are on the same page with your OM in a lot of very important ways, AND it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders to sort this out!

It is troublesome that your H shoots you down. How long have you been married? Have you always had trouble in the R--in other words has he always brought you down?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:55pm
Thanks Omaha,

Funny that you mention the book. I just order on Amazon on account of the fact that you've referred to it so often in your posts. I should get it in the next day or so. I am also starting individual counseling. My H is reluctant about the couples stuff, but I think I can probably twist his arm enough. The problem is that it would be under the guise of "working it out," when I don't know that I even have it in my heart to "do whatever it takes." Like you, I just need to be strong and do what is right.

I have a question for you about your W. You said she has been dependent on you for her happiness, much like my H is on me. How is she doing? One of my greatest fears is completely devastating my H. Not only did your W have to contend with the loss of the M, but she had to do so with a child and one on the way. Knowing that you are a compassionate and caring individual, I can only imagine what you've been through.

Like you and your W, my H and I don't have a lot of shared interests outside the home--although we do enjoy the same sports teams. When we met, we were in the military living in Europe--a very romantic setting. We also spent the first two years of marriage living on a tropical island (hence my name:o) in the Pacific because he was stationed there. SO, we spent the "happy" years of our relationship in these fabulous, ideal, very unrealistic places. When we came back to the States five years ago--and I started law school, and things slowly started changing.

Thanks for your insight, and I will let you know what I think of the book!

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