New & Soooo Confused
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| Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:30pm |
I have been seeing an OM for a little over two months--very new A. Before then, I was somewhat content in my M--or at least I thought. My A started unexpectedly with someone I didn't know. It was one of those rare experiences where our eyes met in a social setting and it was instant attraction. Although I left the first night after flirting with this dark, handsome and mysterious guy, about one week later curiousity got the better of me, and I contacted him. Initially, I just wanted to know what his very delicious lips would taste like, what he smelled like, etc. Purely physical stuff. Maybe once I knew those things, I could satisfy my curiosity and move on. Yeah right--I am a woman, and one who has never been capable of a purely physical relationship. I knew better, and I did it anyway. And, to top it off, this guy just happens to be amazing.
I have been M for 7 years. My H is 15 years older than me (I am early 30s), and we met when we were both serving in the military. Initially, we were terribly in love--so much so that I believe that we were blinded to our differences. About 2 years into the M, I, now out of the military, decided to go to law school. Our focuses changed--or at least mine did. Instead of being focused solely on him and our R, I became more focused on school and a career. I have now listened to nearly five years of complaints from my H that he and our M have become second fiddle to my career. I cannot say he's wrong (I do not have clean hands here--I have certainly done my share to hurt our M). On the other hand, he has NO life outside of our M--he is not happy with himself, and I feel 100% responsible for his happiness. It is tiring for me to balance a very demanding job with an H who looks to me as his sole source of happiness. I have lost respect for him. He smothers me--and I have pulled away. That being said, he is a good and decent man who will love me forever, without question, and has made enormous sacrifices for my schooling and career. But I do not think I'm in love with him anymore (yes, the whole "love" versus "in love" debate), and I have lost my physical attraction for him. I feel tremendously guilty to have lost all this when he has not.
Importantly, H and I do not have children together (he has kids--which I will get to). I have been suffering from infertility for the duration of our M. We have done some infertility treatments, and we were just about to start IVF when I met OM. Needless to say, I absolutely could not go through grueling IVF while having an A. I have since "put off" the treatments. The A has caused me to seriously evaluate my M. Almost everyone on this board has children, and I sympathize. I've always wanted children so badly, but now I am almost thankful that I do not have them because, as amazingly confusing and difficult as things are, having children would make my confusion much greater. Now, I do not want to bring a child into a R I am questioning. In fact, the fact that I do not have children is almost the greatest excuse to leave. The problem--I am in my early 30s. My chance of conceiving through IVF drops fairly dramatically when I turn 35. If I give up my M, I may also be giving up my only chance of having a child...at least a biological one.
Also, like some of the posters on this board, I dread telling my family and friends. They have only seen us loving and doting on each other. I've always been the good girl with a strong head on her shoulders. My parents and family would be so disappointed in me for dismissing my marital vow. Also, my H has two teenage children who live with us. I love them and they love me. Many years ago, they watched the disintigration of their parent's M. They have only seen my H and me in a loving relationship (I am a master of putting on appearances--even for people who live under my roof). How can they have any faith in the institution of M, if they see us break apart?
And, FINALLY, the OM. He is everything that my H is not...young, full of live, happy with himself, no pressures, no worries...and gorgeous as h*$#! He is foreign...from South America, and he is still struggling with the English language, but when he talks Spanish...oh, mamacita...it is sexy!! Although the R is new, we talk everyday on the phone, and I have a chance to see him (even if only for brief moments) 5-6 days a week. It only took him about a month to say "I love you" or "Te amo." And now he says it 20 times a day. Although it is wonderful to hear from someone with whom you are intimate, I am a sceptic, and question everything--is it his different culture that makes him say all the crazy things he says? I don't know. All I do know is that he says and does the right, albeit crazy, things. And the more time I spend with him, the more I fall. I think about him all the time, and am always trying to find any way to sneak a few moments of bliss. I know that I will not and cannot leave my H simply to run into the arms of this man, and I probably need to stop the A to get my head on straight. But I am weak, and I am addicted.
Last note--I have discussed a trial separation with the H, and he will hear none of it. It is all or nothing as far as he's concerned. I am starting some individual counseling soon to work through some of these issues.
Thanks in advance for any thoughts on my situation (I admire many of your posts, and am especially enamored with Rain and Omaha--so insightful!). You all are great, thanks for letting me vent...and vent...and vent!!!

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Tropics,
I want to believe we are on the same page but I don't always believe we are!! I guess it is what I mean about the whole "roller coaster" statement you read so often in these posts. Sometimes he backs away for no reason and other times he is going full force talking about a future. So it is very confusing to me.. I try not to get to serious with him.. not that I am trying to play games with him but I don't want to freak him out.. we have always said "no pressure" so I do exactly that....
As for having a good head on my shoulders I do feel I do. I love what I do...and that is important or at least I feel it is for me. As I mentioned I always thought I was happy but when I talk to Om.. I am laughing and I giggle like a child.. Believe me having a good head goes out the door when it comes to A.
I think his back and forth must indicate the internal conflict he...and we all...are experiencing. Thank goodness you have a successful career and you are content with yourself! And I second you on the whole having a good head thing....mine is way gone!! Tht being said, I think that, were either of our As to end, we could get through it because we have other outlets. I know I could, but it would be sooooo hard! Even after only two months.
I think a lot of us here go through the same thing. When we are with our OM...euphoria, giggling, bliss. But we just don't get enough of that time. When we are away from our OM--which for me is far too much--we don't get that reinforcement that even an independent and successful woman needs. When the days come that I don't see my OM, I question his feelings, even though he really gives me no reason to. I wonder what he is doing with me...what does he see in me. I figure that if he gets away from me too long, he'll change his mind. Yet when I see him or hear from him, my fears disappear.
I got that book that Omaha suggested, looks pretty good, but I'm trying to hide it from my H, because he'll freak out. I need to digest it first.
Have a very nice weekend, and hang in there!!
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