New, unhappy and unexplained NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
New, unhappy and unexplained NC
25
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 7:17am
Hello - I am new here and do hope I might be able to get a little support from you all.

I am M and have been having my A with an MM for almost 3 years. I adore him and he brings sunshine into my life like nothing else I have ever known. But, like you all, it is a rollercoaster - fantastic highs and dreadful lows. When it's good, it's like nothing on earth and makes you feel better than anything you can possibly imagine. When it's bad, it crushes you. For some reason - unexplained - we have had virtual NC for almost 3 weeks now. I know he's busy at work, I know that he recently had a W anniversary. But those things have remained unstated and there's been no explanation. It's true to say we've been through worse (arguments etc., he even finished it once). These days I am pretty good at coping with the up and the down (at the start of the A I was dreadful, all over the place). But for some reason I am finding this one really hard. It's longer than normal, by our standards. We usually email every working day - at least once. But the last 3 weeks have been so sporadic - and even then, very one-wordy. I have learnt, to my cost, that he reacts very badly to pressure - so I don't think I will help things by sending an email asking what's wrong. I've sent ones which ask "are you okay?" - and I just get "yes. busy." I know that when we enter into these relationships, that part of the deal is the push and the pull. You just have to learn to deal with it. But I am finding this soo hard. I feel agitated, tearful, lonely, crushed, empty. I know that no one can wave a magic wand for me - but any words of support and understanding would just really help me right now. Thank you all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 7:49am
Hi Neurotica, I can relate to how you are feeling. Just got off of a 2 week NC by MM. Same as you, he's really busy at work (owns a large company). Has family obligations, and we've gone thru this a few times in the 2+ years we've been seeing each other.

But still, that does not lessen the hurt. He knew when he saw me this week, I was disappointed in the last couple of weeks from not hearing from him. He said "sorry" a couple of times. And I accepted that and saw him again.

I guess it's up to you what to do.

We know they are busy, we are too alot of times. But we seem to drop everything to see them/talk to them.

With mine, I try to tell myself, "he will be back". And I know that he will. But these insecurities creep in, and gnaw at you while you're not hearing from him.

I don't know if this is helping you, except to say that we've all BTDT, and you've just got to weather the storm and hope you will hear from him soon. And KNOW that you will, because he does have feelings for you after all. Take care,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 7:52am
You and I are in the same boat! I think men are completely different from women when it comes to handling love and emotions. They run and hide where we want to talk and if nothing else understand what he's feeling.

I wish I could say something that could make it easier for you to go through your day but it's a process. Even if you ask him what's wrong, he'll never admit to anything. As you and both know, he'll always come back. In his own time that is, or if he feels he's losing you.

I believe that you are doing the right thing by not initiating contact. Be strong, resist the urge (as hard as that is) and maybe take the time to decide if the roller coaster is worth the time and energy. I will be here for you, maybe we can hold each other's hand throught the NC process!

Good Luck to you!

flirt
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:26am
Flirt, Dusty

Thank you so much for your speedy responses. It makes me feel better just to know that there is someone else out there who understands. Besides, let's all face it - we can't exactly shout about our situations, can we? Do I think he'll come back? Yes, I think so, hope so. But like you say - the creeping doubts slip in and start to erode my belief in him/us. And of course I have days (like today) when I just wonder what on earth I am doing with my life. Is all the pain worth the stolen moments of happiness? Why can't I just concentrate on my own M? How can I love 2 men? ... all that bigger picture stuff rises up and churns over and over.

Flirt - I will gladly hold your hand. it will be a blessing if we can just help each other keep sane!

I have been listening to that Sheryl Crow song "if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?" - it's a really good question...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:26am
Hi Neurotica! I just wanted to say that I share your pain and sypmathize with what you are going through. I am also dealing with sporadic NC. In my case I know WHY (because our A was recently discovered and we're both dealing with our Ms) but it doesn't make life any easier. I think I could handle it better if MM would just warn me instead of disappearing suddenly. In the most recent case he sent me a rather angry email critisizing my H and then promptly vanished - no email, no phone call, no nothing. I think he and his W had a counseling session yesterday which, quite understandably, makes him feel uncomfortable talking to me. But I wish he'd just SAY SO. The not knowing, not understanding is what makes it so damn hard.

ANYWAY, as I said, I feel your pain. Go do something nice for yourself - get a manicure, do some shopping, etc. You may find that you reach a point where maintaining the R is no longer worth the pain of NC. When that happens it may be better in the long run to walk away. Of course, that is far easier typed than done.

Hang in there!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:05am
As they say...Love shouldn't make you miserable! I know that this A isn't all that I want it's just hard to let go of a person that I love. There's many forces working and at times I wish I could let go of my M and be with the OM. Deep down I don't want to leave my family, comfort, the man who loves me unconditionally.

So maybe we need to take control of the situation and not let it control us! I am going to tell him what I want and if he can't follow through for me then I think I'm done. Love him but don't want to be waiting by the phone for him to call.

Hugs to you all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:11am
I wake up every day and say to myself "Today I am going to take control. Today I am not going to let this thing rule me" .. and usually by about 11.00 am I have crumbled and emailed him. Or he has emailed me - and suddenly I start to melt and all previous sins of NC etc just mysteriously melt away.

I wake every day with "today is the day" in mind. It never is. But we should never stop trying I guess!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:42am
True, unfortunately my control has already crumbled. Called him and left him a message. Am I going to be hurt and angry if I don't hear back from him. YES! Who's fault is that? MINE!

My motto on a good day is...."I need no man to make me feel good about myself!" Yet every day is a roller coaster of "doesn't he want to be with me," etc...

Funny, things were easier when both of us were M.....

Funny, things were easier when I left my H and didn't want ANY man around (even OM, he called and offered and I said "NO")

How much of this is the desire to feel needed and real love?

Okay....I'm through complaining!!

I have control of my life and I will not let the A take control!

Blast this cell phone!!! lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:57am
This is to all of you.... I needed this post more that anything right now!! I am in the same boat. Altho I have contact because we work together we have not seen each other since 2/7. There was one day he came to my room that got very intense and then he called me 4 times that night wanting me to meet him, I finally got away and when I did, guess what???? Not a good idea he said, bad vibes??? What is all of that about? Do you guys have things like that happen to you also?? It drives me nuts, it's like my life is not as important as his. If is W is within a 50 mile radius I can tell because he changes completely. Ok enough griping.

I just wanted to say I feel for all of you. I think right now my MM's W is trying to draw him back in. We found out a week ago that she obviously has some clue about what is going on, suspicions anyway. Our names have been in the gossip circle she haunts and so we have agreed to lay low. I know what you mean about the "WHY WON'T THEY JUST TELL YOU!", that is what I have expressed to MM. Just say it, you don't want to do this.... is honesty that hard. I've told him I would much rather deal with hurt feelings and know that it is him trying to break away from. It's the hurt of the not knowing what is going on that makes me crazy.

Having a bad day,

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:10am
Here's a big hug for all of you today. I SO know how you all feel, NC sucks. Actually, I have not heard from MM today either, but I'm going to stay calm and not freak out. Because I was lucky enough to see him earlier this week, so I've had my fix.

Kitty, I guess in your case it makes it even harder when the W is suspicious. So far we've never had those issues to deal with. I know for sure if MM's wife EVER suspected him of anything, he would cut me off ... just like that.

Anyhow, lets all just try to keep ourselves busy and happy. I've recently discovered several things I can do myself that make me feel happy and at peace with myself when I'm alone (which is alot of the time).

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:18am
Kitty,

Sorry you're having such a bad day!!

I think there are a couple of reasons why men don't tell us what's going on with them!

1) They don't know!

2) They don't know how to express it!

3) They don't want to cause a scene (in others words they think we're all going to over react!)

and the most important reason is....

They don't want to say anything that might make us leave them....the ole' cake and eat it too theory! They care enough to not want to lose that connection but don't realize that the whole NC without a reason will eventually make us not trust them or their feelings for us.

Go figure!!!

I could say that it's a consolation knowing eventually he's going to call me....but it's not!!

Most of the time I wish I knew that he will never call me again....at least then I could move on to getting over him.

Reading all the messages on this board makes me realize that I'm not crazy or obsessed or over emotional! It makes me know that I'm not alone and next time I get the urge to contact him after days of NC from him.....Here's where I'll come!

Flirt

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